Imagine this: a fully grown adult kicking, screaming and throwing tantrums because you just said ‘no’ to his/her demand. Not possible you say? Think again. Adults will react just as toddlers do when you’ve refused to buy them another piece of candy while doing your groceries.

Only, instead of a noisy tantrum, adults throw ‘grown up’ fits. And this ‘fit’ is a learnt and calculated one. In the process of growing up, this person has realised that noises call for condemnation from all around. So their tantrum is one of stony silence, sulking and subtle revenge.

The underlying reasons, however, are identical in both cases. How dare you refuse them!

Now think: Do your near and dear ones push you beyond limits? Are you scared that you will offend them? In trying to please them (and thereby gaining temporary peace), do you wind up feeling used and exploited? Dr. J. Manuel Smith, in his book on assertiveness Training ‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty’ raises these questions:

‘Are you letting your kids get away with murder?

Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you?’

These questions are a good beginning towards resolving the consequences of saying ‘no’. First, children. If anyone can push you against the wall with requests, it is your children. They are the hardest to refuse simply because, well, they’re your flesh and blood. Most children, once grown up, do not demand the moon…or the candy at the grocery store. So what does your darling adult toddler come up with? Whine and moan and pity his/her fate until you volunteer to whatever it is s/he wants.

Then come the in-laws. Try politely telling your mother-in-law that you had a heavy day at office and really have no interest in the kitty party she wants you to accompany her, and see the reaction. Correction…leave the house anyway because the reaction will drive you nuts. The aggrieved looks, the sighs, the ‘nobody loves me’ downcast body language will get on your nerves just as much as your screaming toddler in the store.

Spouses came in this category also. If you gave in to your spouse in the first few months of marriage, you’ll have a very hard time saying ‘no’ subsequently. And since you live with your spouse, the ‘requests’ – polite or not – will be pouring in thick and fast. Only for your own sanity you give in most of the time, knowing full well that you’re encouraging bad behaviour.

Friends are no less. I always feel that my true friends will understand that I have a good reason when I say ‘no’- without my giving long explanations. Isn’t that what friends are for? To understand? Some, however, will take affront if you don’t turn up at the ‘casual’ get together; and quite often you’re so afraid of the consequences and the gilla shikwas (there really is not a good English equivalent for that phrase!),that you will go, and curse yourself heartily through the evening.

Thing is, people have this incredible confidence that what they want, they will get. Question is: what do you do to stand up for yourself? Answer: read the following and stick to them!

Understand the impact of not standing up for yourself: when you say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ you will suffer the consequences of stress, anger and resentment (apart from missed deadlines or appointments).

Be sure you yourself know what you want. Don’t make decisions until you’re clear on this. If you dither because you’re not sure yourself why exactly you’re going to say ‘no’, don’t complain if you get run over.

Have stock phrases ready when you will turn someone down. Some of these are: I disagree; I have another view on that; I feel uncomfortable about that.

Don’t get ambitious: say ‘no’ to unimportant matters first and then work your way up.

Reward yourself for saying ‘no’…be proud (in your mind, please) for making progress to build up your own confidence for the future.

Essentially, then, stop being a people pleaser. It’s tough, draining and damaging for yourself.

And it has been said long ago that you can’t please all the people all the time. Politely, smilingly and gently, just do it….just say ‘no’!