Dear Khalajaani,

I need some advice desperately! Five years ago I married a man who had told me that he was divorced from his first wife, because she was a horrible human being. She used to drink, fight, nag, did not take care of the kids, and fought with everyone especially her in-laws and my husband, and used to get into a physical fight with all of them too when angry. The kids were being bought up by a maid from the time they were born and Ms. S (as we can call her) did not contribute anything to her marriage, home or upbringing of the children.

Once we got married Ms. S has made my life miserable. She called me a couple of times, and really abused me. My husband has never defended me; he just tells me not to pick up the phone when she calls. After she was done with the abuses, she used to call me to tell me that she spends time with my husband even now. They were caught together a couple of times, but according to my husband it’s always because he was spending time with his kids (she got custody of her two daughters). Even now that the daughters are 20 and 17 respectively, she calls two or three times every single day and according to my husband, all they do is talk about the kids.

He goes there regularly, has food there, spends time there and sometimes even spends nights (all under the umbrella of my kids being there). I have a daughter too from this marriage and this whole scenario is driving me nuts. I have tried to talk to him, discuss how this whole issue is destroying our marriage but to no avail. Even my in-laws do not support me and say he has to spend time with his kids and she won’t let him if he does not communicate with her. But everything that is going on is just not communication, it’s much more than that, and we all know it. My husband does not support me at all on this issue but says that you are making a mountain out of a molehill, and that I am acting like a paranoid and jealous wife. How do I stop it? Can I make my marriage still work or should I just walk away from this whole mess like I am tempted to do every single day?

Low

Dear Right,

Spending time with his daughters is understandable, but staying over at the ex-wife’s house is definitely blurring the lines. And you are not making a mountain out of a molehill or ‘acting’ paranoid and jealous’ if you have a problem with his frequent, too-close contact with his ex-wife. You have all the right to be upset about this. By calling you paranoid and jealous your husband is merely labelling you and hoping you will shut up and start speculating about the label and wondering if it is true.

Your problem is that you lack tangible proof that you are being betrayed which is making your marriage unstable. You should seek marriage counselling as your husband’s behaviour is inappropriate and he is not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. Counselling may help, but in case it doesn’t, go see a lawyer.

Hello Auntie,

I am going through the worst phase of my life. My boyfriend (cousin) does not trust me. I have never betrayed him, but he thinks I do. He thinks I lie to him but I don’t. We have been together for three years but he has not been able to trust me. Every time we fight he apologises and promises to trust me, but after some weeks he again starts his doubting. He says his previous girlfriend betrayed him so it’s difficult for him to trust anybody, but in the last three years I have proved I will not do the same and I am completely loyal. We tried to break up but it seems impossible. We come back every time. He keeps on texting me and I can’t live without him. Please tell me what to do?

Miserable

Dear Innocent,

Oh dear, jealousy rears its ugly head again. With a jealous significant other, you can hang yourself upside down from a tree and scream yourself hoarse and still not satisfy him. Jealousy comes from the need to control rather than from a loving place.The only way to stop this is to stop trying to convince him that you are innocent. You know that you are and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Tell him he has a choice. He can stop dwelling on his past and look forward to a happy future with you, or he can carry on his jealous ways and lose you.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.  Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com