Tongue in cheek: Party time
Elections, to the parliament are right around the corner. As per the constitution they have to be held latest by 2013. Noting the inevitability of this great possibility of winning the elections, my friends and I have decided to form a political party.
As a first step, we faced the challenge of deciding the name of our party. It involved lengthy, heated debates and arguments amongst the members. The suggested names ranged from All Pakistan Corruption Party (APCP), Awami Loot Maar Party (ALMP), The Jaahil Brigade (TJB) et al. Finally, after much consideration, the members unanimously agreed to baptise the new party as ‘Awami Beghairat Party’ (ABP).
The ‘founding members’ are extremely confident that upon announcement of this party, we will be deluged with at least 180 million applications. However, since the new party would have limited capacity to entertain such large requests, the Central Executive Board, have concluded that the party membership shall be by invitation only.
Those who have tarnished moral, financial and social past would be given first preference over the others. Anyone who can prove credentials of plunder, loot and arson would be offered privileged positions within the party cadre.
There shall be no elections to the executive Board of the party. The president of the party shall have sole discretion to nominate members to the various posts. Once into power, the party shall follow an independent (read totally dependent) foreign policy. We shall take on the super powers (in fine print, we shall state the truth). The party shall give itself credence by adopting Abraham Lincoln’s famous lines, as the corner stone of its foreign policy, “With malice towards none, and friendship towards all”. Behind this façade will be our real agenda; Lincoln’s lines will be rephrased, “With malice towards all and friendship towards none”. Our manifesto will spell disaster.
As the party will publicly belong to people, it shall have a definite economic agenda to pursue. Poverty will be equally distributed amongst the poor. All state institutions will be privatised by the show of ‘strength’— those who will physically dislodge current management, shall be handed over the entity. Collection of tax will cease to be the responsibility of the state. The party shall recover all taxes. Since poverty will be the hallmark of society, all class distinctions will vanish. We will ensure a true welfare state where everybody will remain happily poor. To promote economic prosperity, simplicity of habits shall be encouraged. As a first step, instead of three meals, all the populace will have only one meal per day. Austerity will be taken to hitherto unknown heights; even the proverbial ‘light’ at the end of the tunnel’ would be turned off to conserve energy.
Schools, colleges and universities will remain closed for most part of the year, on one pretext or the other, this strategy will ensure darkness, no not load shedding; darkness refers to ‘ignorance’. The ‘era of ignorance’ will keep in check any untamed attempts on the part of the few (very few) non-members to reintroduce education in society.
Offices shall convert overnight to being party offices and hence the only working days will be ‘Sundays’ and public holidays. Employees shall have freedom of speech against their bosses, the use of expletives shall be encouraged and those who do so, on popular television shows will be doubly rewarded.
Licenses for another hundred TV and radio channels will be issued for free, to those with established record of having successfully destroyed national spirit, inciting sensationalism and rumour mongering. There will be no censorship — infact freedom all around. ‘See, speak and hear only evil’, will serve as the motto of the information policy of the party.
It is reliably learnt that the news of the formation of my party has reached other parties’ headquarters and they are worried. Beware the tsunami of Awami Beghairat Party (ABP) will hit and rock all the existing parties. Truth will be buried. Falsehood will prevail. All power to yours and our own ABP.