Advice: He’s just not that into you
Hi meri Jaanu Auntie,
I’m a 25-year-young female. I just got an offer from TV to act. My elder brother who is extremely controlling and manipulative is trying to stop my parents from letting me be on TV as it is against Islam ‘according to him’. I really want to take up this project as I’ve worked extremely hard to have this opportunity and I don’t want to let go of it.
I don’t care if my brother breaks all ties with me but I can’t upset my parents as I’m financially dependent on my father and can’t leave his house. I want to step in the world of showbiz while living with my parents with love and respect. My brother tries to influence my parents’ decision even though he too is financially dependent on my dad despite being 26 years old. My dad has allowed me to work but I’m afraid that my brother might change my dad’s perspective about girls working in the media. Please help me to follow my dream while not letting my parents getting influenced by his drama, and also by not hurting my parents.
A millionaire-to-be Inshaallah
Whenever you sit your parents down and talk about this, remember one thing, don’t ever lose your calm; even if it boils down to having a face-to-face showdown with your brother, just stay centred and in control. It will show your parents that you are mature and hence better able to handle what many see as the big bad world out there.
Also you need to stand back and coolly observe your brother. Even when it seems that he is just out to get you, there is probably some hidden trigger that is at work here. Is it really his religious views that are setting him off or has he always thought, since childhood that your parents let you get away with too much. Some childhood patterns may be at work here and it is worth thinking this through as it will equip you to better handle the situation.
Also be clear about your motives in taking up a career in acting and let the parents and bro know exactly where you are coming from and what your intentions are. You never know, he may actually see your point of view when he realises that acting is a dream for you (and a respectable profession) and not some shady way to earn quick money and get some cheap publicity.
At the same time you might want to treat your brother as a human being rather than as an inanimate obstacle that is hindering your goals. We often don’t realise the bad vibes that we give off around people we see as the ‘enemy’. Others can literally sense our discomfort around them. So if your radars go up the minute you see him, it probably shows on your face. And so for a change you might actually want to surprise your brother by connecting with him at the personal level. That means treating him with a bit of respect. If you’ve been arguing with him and generally behaving as if you think he is stupid you can hardly expect him to treat you well. You know the saying, ‘Do unto others…
If all this fails and your brother is still not receptive you might try ignoring him and his shenanigans. Your parents seem like they are supportive of you, so just go with it and stay on track. Be very clear about why you want to do this and have a strong case ready for the day your brother may try to sabotage your career.
I always read your column and I admire your solutions to all the problems. Now I want you to solve one of my problems. I am a girl aged 18. I have a boyfriend and I just love him more than anyone else. He is my best friend. He seriously is an adorable person. A sweetheart. But since the past two months he is not talking to me properly. He makes excuses such as he is busy with friends and family. Yesterday I asked him why he is doing this to me. Why is he not talking properly? He said that he does not talk to anyone now. And he has lost his interest in using a cell phone. I am really hurt by his attitude and his answer.
Please tell me what should I do? What actually is wrong with him? I really love him and want to talk to him. I can’t live without him. Need help.
Err…hate to break it to you honey, but Auntie thinks he’s just not that into you. Yup. He has not lost interest in his cell phone, he certainly didn’t accidentally flush his phone down the drain, nor did he lose all his fingers in a freak accident and can’t call you now.
He’s not calling you because he…ummm…doesn’t like you enough. The fact is while you are swooning in your love for him, he may be feeling something entirely different. By not sending you any messages, he’s sending you a message. Just get it and back off. He’s not waiting to see how brilliant and pretty you are before he goes down on his knees…no sirreee. It’s over before it started. So find someone who cares about you.