Science for the ummah
Recently an enterprising Pakistani engineer claimed to have invented a car that is powered by water.
Excited by the news, Pakistan’s, nay, the whole Muslim ummah (and some North Korean’s) favourite scientist, Dr. Qadeem Khan, endorsed the invention and demanded that the automobile be called ‘Islamic car.’
Of course, there was the usual whining from liberal fascists/scum/extremists who ridiculed the glorious invention as a product of ‘pseudo-science’ and technical quackery.
But we all know how these elements want the Muslim ummah to continue being subjugated, dominated and exploited by Western secular Judeo-Christian science.
Little do they know that ever since the reign of the great caliph, General Ziaulul Haq, the Islamic Republic of Pakistan is leading the way in the development, growth and potential dominance of ‘Islamic Science.’
No, this has nothing to do with those ancient Muslim philosophers, astronomers and chemists who were just too influenced by the science and scholarship of ancient wine-drinking Greek idolaters.
This is about the real Islamic Science and it has already managed to stun the jealous secular Western Judeo-Christian world with a number of some stunning inventions. In theory at least.
Here are some of them …
The Al-Car
Since car hoti hai (it’s a she), the Al-Car cannot be taken out on the road without a cover. Drivers are required to use their instincts to navigate and if they are pious, angels are likely to help them in this regard.
The Al-Car does not use conventional fuel. It uses water. But since Pakistan does not want to harm brotherly country Saudi Arabia’s oil economy, the inventers of Al-Car have made sure that it only runs on Aab-e-Zamzam that is only available in brotherly Saudia.
At first the Al-Car will only be made available to the ummah. That is, of course, only to the men of the ummah. However, there will be ample space for women in the trunk.
Pakistan plans to unveil – unveil in the figurative sense, of course – this auto marvel as soon as the government dishes out a billion dollars to the inventor and releases Arsalan Iftikhar so this young dynamic Muslim entrepreneurial genius can help the inventor build a profitable (interest-free) production plant.
Preferably in Monte Carlo – after it has been conquered by General Zaid Hamid and after its population is converted (live on TV) by Mujahidan Mayan Khanam.
Genie Energy (and/or Electricity from Jinns)
This just has to be the most exciting and unique project of holy science: Deriving electricity from genies (jinns).
This brilliant theory was first presented by a brilliant Somalian alchemist, Dr. Mabuto bin Kambata in 1985 AD.
After being ridiculed by secular Western Judeo-Christian scientists and pagan African witch doctors, bin Kambata escaped to Pakistan where he was given sanctuary by Khalifa Ziaulul Haq.
Bin Kambata soon convinced Ziaulul to hold an international seminar and conference on Islamic Science.
With lots of Saudi aid to kill but not enough electricity, Ziaulul agreed and the conference was held in Islamabad. Over a thousand modern-day alchemists and scientists from the Muslim world were invited – except Dr. Parvez Hoodbhoy – he’s such a Western secular Judeo-Christian spoilsport.
The highlight of the conference was, of course, a model of Dr. Mabuto bin Kambata’s generator built to summon jinns and derive vital volts of electricity from them.
The generator works after it is plugged in a socket holding electricity that has been converted from AC (Ahmadi Current) to MC (Muslim Current).
But one has to be careful. The generator can sometimes also summon non-Muslim jinns who, if they are not converted (live on TV) by Mujahidan Mayan Khanam, cannot be used to generate electricity.
Such jinns can, however, be used to abduct Hindus with the help of flying carpets.
Renowned ummah scientists like Dr. Amir Liaqat (MBBS/PhD/DDT) and Dr. Ali Azmat have said that Pakistan will have over a thousand Mabuto Generators by 2013 AD.
It will be sad though that Dr. Mabuto himself would not be around to celebrate this joyous moment.
He died in 2001, electrocuted while using a hairdryer in his bathtub. The malicious involvement of AC (Ahmadi Current) was suspected.
Halal-o-Meter
While the secular Western Judeo-Christian scientists are busy wasting time, money and effort on measuring earthquakes and tsunami waves, we have invented the Halal-o-Meter.
Invented by the famous and pious TV-chef-cum-preacher, Farkhunda bint-e-Dalda (aka Qaum ki Sabzi), the Halal-o-Meter is an innovative instrument that measures the level of alcohol (or lack of) in perfumes, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc.
With so many secular Western Judeo-Christian products out there, the Halal-o-Meter can be a terrific asset for the true believer. All he/she has to do is dip the meter in the mouthwash/perfume/toothpaste/etc.
If the product has alcohol, the meter will start to beep loudly and an electronic voice will appear frantically bellowing ‘Haraam, Haraam!’
Ms. Farkhunda believes millions of Muslim souls can be saved from eternal damnation with this instrument because to her there’s no bigger sin for a Muslim than to use mouthwash and perfume that has alcohol.
She says that the government should put all its effort and money into building such instruments and make her the sole distributer.
She says the government can measure the number of souls that are saved by this instrument by measuring the amount of money she will make. She promises she will be a Sharia-compliant millionaire.
The Adulterilator (and/or the Automatic Adulteress Crusher)
Concerned by the rising cases of adultery (by women), gallant and brave (but nimble-tongued) Pakistani physicist, Sangsar Abbasi, has claimed to have invented a ‘smart stone throwing machine.’
Calling it the Adulterilator, Sangsar says the machine (made from wood from fine Saudi date palms) has special sensors that can detect adulteresses (and even potential adulteresses) and throw stones and boulders at them.
When some liberal fascists asked why is the machine only made to detect adulteresses and not adulterers, Sangsar convincingly explained that Muslim men were by nature innocent and it were the women who were the main culprits, especially those who went about without hijabs or burqas.
When some liberal fascists refused to buy his rationale, Sangsar appealed to the CJP to take suo moto action against the buggers. And which, he did, terming the buggers’ scepticism as harmful to the constitution.
HAARP Repulser
HAARP is The United States’ High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program – an ionospheric research programme jointly funded by the US Air Force, the Navy, the University of Alaska, the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency and the secular Western Judo-Karate villains.
Yes, the same programme that caused the 2005 Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the 2011 Japanese earthquake and the 2011 Imran Khan tsunami.
Many scientists of the ummah, especially in Pakistan, believe that the HAARP project is largely aimed against Muslim regions. It wants to destroy Muslim populations by distorting and manipulating extreme weather conditions.
But, alas, a group of Übermensch ummah scientists in Pakistan have created a powerful project to counter HAARP.
This project is called BURRP. A blast from this ingenious God-given technology successfully repulses the malicious effects of HAARP – and indigestion. Brilliant, no?
First camel on the moon
A group of Pakistani aeronautical engineers (actually weathermen) claim that they have found a way to go to the moon.
They say that since the secular Western Judeo-Christians have already managed to put a man on the moon, they will go a step further by landing the first camel on the moon.
‘This will also be in line with our Arab aesthetics and tradition,’ one engineer explained.
He said that unlike the Americans who used rockets to take their astronauts to the moon, they will do no such thing.
When asked exactly how they plan to put a camel on the moon if not with the help of a rocket, the engineer smugly suggested: ‘The camel is the rocket!’
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
This episode has exposed our scientists. Chairman PCSIR should be made OSD. Leadership should take the present state of science in Pakistan seriously. We should take advice of friendly countries like USA and China to examine our education system and government policies and pin point fault lines and suggest measures to bring scientific Pakistan at par with at least with Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, India and China. In a country of 180 million it is not difficult to find at least 1000 really intelligent children in schools who could be groomed to be future scientists of international fame.
I am disappointed. Its so lame to drag Islam into this and ridicule it in such a way. Please keep your enlightened satire to your self. Its Muslims like you who bring shame to us all.
The link was forwarded by a friend and I laughed my head off. I have in return forwarded the link to a lot of like-minded friends. Brillaint Piracha Saheb.
Very very funny.. And so accurate with depicting our rotten and obsessed thinking! Bravo, sir..
Wonderful satire. The people who matter know the truth but behave in a hypocritic manner to please the powerful conserv
for fear of their own. We are taking pride in moving backwards while the civilised world is moving forwards.Hope sense prevails.Such articles will someday provide better understanding of religion.
excellent article, I am big fan of NFP and Dawn, this is really good satire and in fact shows the true mentality of pakistani people and their life style. I cant stop laughing even after reading the whole article, reallyy interesting was Ahmadi current…….. and Farkhanda bint e Dalda…………..
great work
Hazaar Sajday Tarap Rahay Hain Meri Jabeen E Niyaz Main
NFP
You are overstepping your boundaries. More things are wrought by prayers than this world may think of. No other people can come close to Muslim in prayers, and thus in the miraculous achievements that may come their way. All of history is proof.
Prayer is a request to God there is not guarantee it will be listened to. But actions are definitely what God likes more then just prayers. And you are right no other people can come close to muslims when it comes to prayers coz that is all we do ….
LAST time I checked no one in Pakistan had prayed for a corrupt leadership and somehow we still have it …. God is not going to do your job for you unless you get a move on first (by you I mean we all so please don't take it personally) ….
"Have faith in Allah. Also tie you camel"[Muhammad]. The place of prayer is after you have done the best you can possibly do. After you have put in you sincere best, leave the result to Allah. Prayer is a knock on the door, it may or may not be heard, at Allah's will.
NFP,
As usual an EXCELLENT article. Your mastery of satire is never in question. It is par excellance. We the normal people get it.
But what about the STONE HEADS? Nothing sticks in that barren palce. But, keep trying as you are one of th efew honest journalists left who have the courage to call these idiots who they really are. The greatest insult is to trivialise some one.You have successfully done that in your article.
Just mind blowing – fell off my chair laughing – could not stop laughing for 20 minutes. Fantastic! Nobel prize in literature for NFP please!. NFP should stand for Nobel F Paracha.
Islam is NOT Arab. Islam is universal. I was born and raised in New England, US. I grew up Christian and I turned to Islam for a more peaceful connection with God…directly: Allah and myself. No one but Allah directed me to Islam. I was lost, and found myself. I have never been more in tune with spirituality, hope, peace, and tranquility until now—as a Muslim.
Allah is indeed Great.
What you need is high quality professional help. Seek 'direct contact' with your inner self,delusions don't last long unfortunately.
Yours has…
Hahaha… Perhaps, this was the thing that Ummah needed… I really enjoyed it. Facts put in a hilarious way and still not losing its depth… hats off!
Societies have dark periods – but this should not take away the fact that one of the first persons to come up with the concept of the scientifc method (hypothesize, test the theory by experimenting, modify theory..) was Alhazen, full name
Abū ʿAlī al-Ḥasan ibn al-Ḥasan ibn al-Haytham. Look him up on Wikipedia.
Alhazen's most famous work is his seven volume Arabic treatise on optics, Kitab al-Manazir (Book of Optics), written from 1011 to 1021.
“Optics was translated into Latin by an unknown scholar at the end of the 12th century or the beginning of the 13th century.[36] It was printed by Friedrich Risner in 1572, with the title Opticae thesaurus: Alhazeni Arabis libri septem, nuncprimum editi; Eiusdem liber De Crepusculis et nubium ascensionibus.[37] an Arab or Persian.
ibn al-Ḥasan ibn al-Haytham, born in Iraq. Look him up in Wikipedia. Centuries before Newton or Galileo.''
This is being posted by an Indian physicist.
True picure of the Pakistani version of Islam, It is funny but sad at the same time.
I salute you Paracha sahab for such wonderful article……. I wish people can understand what have you said between the lines.
"The generator works after it is plugged in a socket holding electricity that has been converted from AC (Ahmadi Current) to MC (Muslim Current)"
Hahahahah this is a brilliant piece,sir!! too hilarious…love it!