Science for the ummah
Recently an enterprising Pakistani engineer claimed to have invented a car that is powered by water.
Excited by the news, Pakistan’s, nay, the whole Muslim ummah (and some North Korean’s) favourite scientist, Dr. Qadeem Khan, endorsed the invention and demanded that the automobile be called ‘Islamic car.’
Of course, there was the usual whining from liberal fascists/scum/extremists who ridiculed the glorious invention as a product of ‘pseudo-science’ and technical quackery.
But we all know how these elements want the Muslim ummah to continue being subjugated, dominated and exploited by Western secular Judeo-Christian science.
Little do they know that ever since the reign of the great caliph, General Ziaulul Haq, the Islamic Republic of Pakistan is leading the way in the development, growth and potential dominance of ‘Islamic Science.’
No, this has nothing to do with those ancient Muslim philosophers, astronomers and chemists who were just too influenced by the science and scholarship of ancient wine-drinking Greek idolaters.
This is about the real Islamic Science and it has already managed to stun the jealous secular Western Judeo-Christian world with a number of some stunning inventions. In theory at least.
Here are some of them …
The Al-Car
Since car hoti hai (it’s a she), the Al-Car cannot be taken out on the road without a cover. Drivers are required to use their instincts to navigate and if they are pious, angels are likely to help them in this regard.
The Al-Car does not use conventional fuel. It uses water. But since Pakistan does not want to harm brotherly country Saudi Arabia’s oil economy, the inventers of Al-Car have made sure that it only runs on Aab-e-Zamzam that is only available in brotherly Saudia.
At first the Al-Car will only be made available to the ummah. That is, of course, only to the men of the ummah. However, there will be ample space for women in the trunk.
Pakistan plans to unveil – unveil in the figurative sense, of course – this auto marvel as soon as the government dishes out a billion dollars to the inventor and releases Arsalan Iftikhar so this young dynamic Muslim entrepreneurial genius can help the inventor build a profitable (interest-free) production plant.
Preferably in Monte Carlo – after it has been conquered by General Zaid Hamid and after its population is converted (live on TV) by Mujahidan Mayan Khanam.
Genie Energy (and/or Electricity from Jinns)
This just has to be the most exciting and unique project of holy science: Deriving electricity from genies (jinns).
This brilliant theory was first presented by a brilliant Somalian alchemist, Dr. Mabuto bin Kambata in 1985 AD.
After being ridiculed by secular Western Judeo-Christian scientists and pagan African witch doctors, bin Kambata escaped to Pakistan where he was given sanctuary by Khalifa Ziaulul Haq.
Bin Kambata soon convinced Ziaulul to hold an international seminar and conference on Islamic Science.
With lots of Saudi aid to kill but not enough electricity, Ziaulul agreed and the conference was held in Islamabad. Over a thousand modern-day alchemists and scientists from the Muslim world were invited – except Dr. Parvez Hoodbhoy – he’s such a Western secular Judeo-Christian spoilsport.
The highlight of the conference was, of course, a model of Dr. Mabuto bin Kambata’s generator built to summon jinns and derive vital volts of electricity from them.
The generator works after it is plugged in a socket holding electricity that has been converted from AC (Ahmadi Current) to MC (Muslim Current).
But one has to be careful. The generator can sometimes also summon non-Muslim jinns who, if they are not converted (live on TV) by Mujahidan Mayan Khanam, cannot be used to generate electricity.
Such jinns can, however, be used to abduct Hindus with the help of flying carpets.
Renowned ummah scientists like Dr. Amir Liaqat (MBBS/PhD/DDT) and Dr. Ali Azmat have said that Pakistan will have over a thousand Mabuto Generators by 2013 AD.
It will be sad though that Dr. Mabuto himself would not be around to celebrate this joyous moment.
He died in 2001, electrocuted while using a hairdryer in his bathtub. The malicious involvement of AC (Ahmadi Current) was suspected.
Halal-o-Meter
While the secular Western Judeo-Christian scientists are busy wasting time, money and effort on measuring earthquakes and tsunami waves, we have invented the Halal-o-Meter.
Invented by the famous and pious TV-chef-cum-preacher, Farkhunda bint-e-Dalda (aka Qaum ki Sabzi), the Halal-o-Meter is an innovative instrument that measures the level of alcohol (or lack of) in perfumes, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc.
With so many secular Western Judeo-Christian products out there, the Halal-o-Meter can be a terrific asset for the true believer. All he/she has to do is dip the meter in the mouthwash/perfume/toothpaste/etc.
If the product has alcohol, the meter will start to beep loudly and an electronic voice will appear frantically bellowing ‘Haraam, Haraam!’
Ms. Farkhunda believes millions of Muslim souls can be saved from eternal damnation with this instrument because to her there’s no bigger sin for a Muslim than to use mouthwash and perfume that has alcohol.
She says that the government should put all its effort and money into building such instruments and make her the sole distributer.
She says the government can measure the number of souls that are saved by this instrument by measuring the amount of money she will make. She promises she will be a Sharia-compliant millionaire.
The Adulterilator (and/or the Automatic Adulteress Crusher)
Concerned by the rising cases of adultery (by women), gallant and brave (but nimble-tongued) Pakistani physicist, Sangsar Abbasi, has claimed to have invented a ‘smart stone throwing machine.’
Calling it the Adulterilator, Sangsar says the machine (made from wood from fine Saudi date palms) has special sensors that can detect adulteresses (and even potential adulteresses) and throw stones and boulders at them.
When some liberal fascists asked why is the machine only made to detect adulteresses and not adulterers, Sangsar convincingly explained that Muslim men were by nature innocent and it were the women who were the main culprits, especially those who went about without hijabs or burqas.
When some liberal fascists refused to buy his rationale, Sangsar appealed to the CJP to take suo moto action against the buggers. And which, he did, terming the buggers’ scepticism as harmful to the constitution.
HAARP Repulser
HAARP is The United States’ High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program – an ionospheric research programme jointly funded by the US Air Force, the Navy, the University of Alaska, the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency and the secular Western Judo-Karate villains.
Yes, the same programme that caused the 2005 Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the 2011 Japanese earthquake and the 2011 Imran Khan tsunami.
Many scientists of the ummah, especially in Pakistan, believe that the HAARP project is largely aimed against Muslim regions. It wants to destroy Muslim populations by distorting and manipulating extreme weather conditions.
But, alas, a group of Übermensch ummah scientists in Pakistan have created a powerful project to counter HAARP.
This project is called BURRP. A blast from this ingenious God-given technology successfully repulses the malicious effects of HAARP – and indigestion. Brilliant, no?
First camel on the moon
A group of Pakistani aeronautical engineers (actually weathermen) claim that they have found a way to go to the moon.
They say that since the secular Western Judeo-Christians have already managed to put a man on the moon, they will go a step further by landing the first camel on the moon.
‘This will also be in line with our Arab aesthetics and tradition,’ one engineer explained.
He said that unlike the Americans who used rockets to take their astronauts to the moon, they will do no such thing.
When asked exactly how they plan to put a camel on the moon if not with the help of a rocket, the engineer smugly suggested: ‘The camel is the rocket!’
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
NFP is a brave and intelligent man, if only he could be in charge of Pakistan…
Here is the real satire. Well done.
NFP I simply love you, & Dawn for having the guts to promote you.As for Imran Khan I am pinning my hopes on him, hoping he will stay away from sychphants & seek out people like you & Hasan Nisar
What about Dr Abdul Qadeem? He is trying to give a new dimension to AL-Science. Bravo NFP!
You beautiful beautiful man.
Now that is sarcasm and satire.
You'll burn in halaal hell for this.
Simply the best. ROTFL!
Bravo NFP!!! You nailed it again
Wonderful piece. What's the next Islamic invention: a stealth plane concealed by angels?
Do you mean the advanced tactical 'State of the art' Drone, fully equipped with sophisticated bio-weapon equipment and instrumentation, that they took control of and landed safely in Iran, or are you referring to the one they downed crashing it into the southern Arabian Sea?
"This comment has been deleted by the administrator."
Why?? It was a perfectly rational comment, without any abuse or threats, relevant to the topic, polite and in response to a commentator's concern!
Is my user-id auto-flagged? Weird, for a flagship newspaper of the self-declared 'most wonderfullest, greatest-est, free-est media' in the whole wide world, no?
Flagship, free? You got to be kidding.
Please fatwa naa dena! tumhe meri kasam
Making fun out of someone or something is always wrong. one doing it knows its wrong & one reading it also knows it wrong. If not by any man made laws but morally. There are trillion things about every religion & culture out of which everyone can make fun but it shows the depth & worth of the man speaking.
NFP how about you writing someday about ideals of "freedom and democracy" being distributed via hell fires and daisy cutters…….if u could take some time out of your busy schedule of ridiculing your own people and country all in the name of
highlighting "weaknesses" .call me an extremist or right wing fanatic or whatever.
Thank you Mr NFP for the hilarious lampoon on the current state of Pakistan. I thoroughly enjoyed the article.
excellent pen-wabble.. dear nadeem do not make a fool of your nation. please for GODS SAKE. try to learn from others like hassan nisar.
Har Fikr Ko Dhuen Mei Urata Chala Gaya…
Barbadiyon Ka Jashn Manata Chala Gaya
I wonder had this car been invented by a European, or even an Indian, What would our "liberal-minded" NFP have written?
Science is a common heritage of mankind !
Absurdity at its excellence!!
Nadeem is the TRUE successor of Alfred E Newman (mad magazine)
Michael Faraday was a bookbinder's apprentice in London in the mid 18th century. The bulk of the printer's business was scientific journals. Faraday became engrossed with reading and understanding the journals in the shop.
He then theorized the relationship between electricity and magnetism without which electric motors, generators, solenoids, elevators, power engineering, television and a great many other inventions including automobiles and air planes would never had existed.
Faraday was the father of the electronics industry before there was one.
With all due respect he would not have found any of his ideas concerning electricity in the Koran.
The Arabs of the 18th century had already decided no further knowledge was needed other than what is found in their religious writings. That was the end of it. Nothing needed to be invented.
Michael Faraday was not a professor, he was a printer's apprentice who became an important self taught scientist..
But (just kidding) it worked out that they have oil there. With millions of barrels being pumped and sold every day, who needs "knowledge"? Or for that matter, "democracy"? (Again just kidding.)
I love the old Jewish joke: "Moses led his people for 40 years all around the Middle East, and finally settled in the one place that has no oil."
No offense meant. It's good to look at ourselves and laugh.
Dear Cyrus thanks for the info about Faraday and your comments.
Please have some time to look at a research by 25 Phds of Strasbourg university of France. Probably all but three are non Muslims who conducted this research. The thesis is available on the internet with the name ," the superman in Islam". Please note its a translated version from French.
praying for your success in both worlds
I can not believe reading a CHEAP satire……..It has the standard of OMAR Shareef Comedy OR Rangeela Comedy…
How can a briliant writer can go this low……
Right, such a talent and tangled in these issues for way to much. I like his articles but he has started to repeat himself now. Come on NFP you can do better
What about the khajoor powered car? Its even more powerful than a solid fuel rocket.
lol man…engine lubricant should be sooji ka halwa
NFP AND HIS FRUSTRATIONS , USUAL NOTHING NEW…..
NFP, you are regaining your mojo. After a flood of identical stale satires you have come up with something original. Good work!!
Just to add real knowledge, the muslims of Spain introduced the concept of hospital and quarantine, isolation of patients from the healthy, medical procedures used till WW 1, hot baths and spas, and arab introduced coffee not the Italians now we obsess and fancy having coffee with latin names….and compared to the muslims of today, it is a grim reminder that the 1 billion people do not have a clue on whats going on with them, where their leadership is taking them.
TOTAL RECALL!!!!!