Hey Auntie, I am 26 years old and belong to a very strict religious family. Since my childhood, I have been facing problems because of this. I was not allowed to study in good institutions because of coeducation. I never hung out with friends or went to school/ college trips. Even at family functions and gathering, which are rare, I was frequently subjected to unnecessary restrictions leading to embarrassing situations. Whenever I tried to raise my voice, my mother used to hush me by saying that I can do what I like after my marriage.

Now I am getting married after two months and, as you might have guessed by now, the situation is the same; in fact it is worse. My in-laws-to-be are even more religious to the extent of being fanatics. I think that is the only reason why my father chose them for me. They are a small, educated and financially stable family. They are insisting on having a plain wedding with a few guests, not allowing any celebrations or customary jubilations, not to mention that my fiancé and I have only seen each other’s pictures, never talked and do not intend to talk before the wedding.

The problem is that I am really scared about what the future holds for me. The family is completely unknown to us and we met through a renowned matchmaker, not more than a month ago. They are nice and decent, but they keep insisting on their family values and dealing with matters their way. My parents seem to have no objection to it. I, on the other hand, am extremely insecure. I enjoy music, love reading books and having a good time with family and friends. Now, I guess I have to pack up my records and box up my precious library which I built up despite the severe protest from my family.

Another side of the story is that during the past two years, four of my friends got married outside their families and all ended up divorced within two years. The strict hijab observation, the don’t-go-out and no-entertainment environment and the total mother-in-law dominated joint family system of my future in-laws are among the factors that are giving me the creeps. I am literally unable to sleep at nights, afraid of the blind jump I am going to go for after two months. I have discussed these problems with my mother and she believes my fears are unreal and she told me she cannot help it.

Dear auntie, please guide me with your advice. I am in agony. How can I hope for a happy matrimonial future in such bleak circumstances? I hope my fears prove to be baseless. Grieving Bride

Dear Get-a-hold, To start with you need to be clear about what you want. Do you want out of this situation? Do you want more time? Do you want to get to know your in-laws better?

Your letter starts off sounding like you want to get out of the situation and so here goes. You sound guilty about wanting something different from what your parents want for you. Please understand that it is clear to anyone reading your letter that you are being forced to marry. And there is a huge difference between arranged and forced marriages. Arranged marriages are arranged by parents between two consenting adults. Forced marriages are arranged without consent and they are just wrong, both morally and ethically. And before any of your religious relatives try to tell you otherwise, forced marriages are condemned by all major religions of the world. If you are clear and convinced about that in your head, half the battle is already won.

Auntie thinks that you need to get in touch with your true feelings about the matter. Don’t think about what anyone else will think or which of your relatives will have a heart attack if they ever found out what you feel. Just sit down, get a piece of paper and write down exactly what you want without editing or self-censorship.

Then look for someone — anyone — who can offer you support should you decide to take a stand. Because it is a battle with the parents and possible condemnation and isolation from your community should you decide to stop this marriage from going through. You should be prepared that at times you may feel lonely, confused and helpless and that life may not feel familiar and safe afterwards. But if you are ready to deal with these fears, you will have to find the strength to do so within you and so all power to you.

Dear Auntie Agni, I’ve met a boy in a park near my home, where I used to go for a walk. He gave me his number and after a few days I contacted him and now we talk daily and are very involved with each other. He’s very serious with me, but he comes to the park with his bhateeja (nephew) and the child calls him ‘Papa’ all the time. I have a feeling that this man is married and I don’t want to be in a fake relationship. Tell me what I should do to get to know whether he’s married or if he’s sincere with me? Innocent Iffat

Dear Suspicious, You know that nagging feeling in your stomach that your Romeo is married? Just go with it darling. He is! Would you call your chacha, ‘Papa’?

So sweetheart you need to find another park for your daily walk. And change your phone number.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com