Widowhood: A life interrupted
“I always felt different because everywhere I go people either give me sympathetic looks or are scared that I will bring bad luck. But the first time I actually felt betrayed was when one of my sisters was getting married. I was treated like an outcast by my own family, all of whom thought that if I touched the bridal clothes or anything related to the nuptial ceremony something catastrophic will happen,” narrated Mahar whilst describing her experience as a widow in Pakistan.
Mahar belonged to the upper-middle strata of the Pakistani society and lives in one of the largest cities in the country. However, her narrative made me think about hundreds of widows living in the rural areas of Pakistan who are far less educated and empowered than Mahar and most definitely a lot more discriminated.
Many will fail to admit the truth that despite all the progress that societies have made in terms of equality and human rights, widows are still considered a bad omen. Many widows are ostracised from society whereas, quite a handful of them are deprived of their rights to remarry and inherit property. Although all religions ask their followers to treat widows with respect and dignity, however, it is evident that the traditions and superstition supersede religious diktats.
It is important to understand that with the world embroiled in conflicts ranging from wars to religious violence the percentage of widows in societies is surging drastically. It is important to recognise them as equal and contributing members of the society by empowering them as much as possible so that they are able to lead ‘normal’ lives.
Despite of all the awareness regarding human and equal rights, widows are still living unfortunate lives in many south Asian countries. In fact, Pakistan is not the only country where widows are marginalised. Most South Asian countries such as Afghanistan, Nepal and India do not treat widows on equal footings with other women and citizens of the society. However, the situation in India because of old values and tradition is highly critical and worse than most countries.
An Indian widow from Pune, who now lives in Detroit, Michigan, shared her experience on condition of anonymity by saying, “I belong to an elite Indian family and one would think that with the world is changing so fast the country would have left behind its traditions. I agree that India is a progressive society but there are various issues that are still considered beyond discussion or argument and widowhood is certainly one of them.”
“I lost my husband when I was 40 and there were times that people, especially married women refused to even eat with me. I remember not being invited to events, people looking at me suspiciously if I smiled or laughed or at times even refusing to sit with me. It was almost like I was the reason why my husband died and I was left to live with the guilt. I still remember my mother telling me that I should have died with him. I was treated worse than an untouchable,” she added with tears glistening in her eyes.
“I fail to understand that why people do not realise that life and death is in the hands of Almighty and we play no role in such decisions whatsoever. If I had it my way I would have died before him,” she said.
India is one of the few countries where widows suffer the most. It is estimated that over 15,000 widows from different parts of India are forced to live in Ashrams located in holy cities such as Vrindavan — most of them hoping for a death which remains their only solace. A heavy majority of these widows sing bhajans and receive a small pittance from the people who visit temples, whereas others beg or receive a petty allowance from the government. One of the most heart wrenching facts about these widows is that sometimes they do not even receive a respectful cremation. In fact, just a few months back some of the widows who died were chopped up into pieces and their extremities were stuffed in gunny bags as the government did not have sufficient funds to cremate them in accordance with Hindu rituals.
Although many social organisations and activists are working to help Indian widows, however, it is evident that for them the only hope lies in death which will liberate them from this vicious cycle of life.
The predicaments faced by South Asian widows has prompted South-Asian Network for Widow Empowerment in Development (SANWED) to undertake various measures in order to create awareness about the problems faced by widows and mainstreaming them into economic and social stratum of societies. A few months back SANWED held a conference in Islamabad to adopt a unanimous declaration called ‘Islamabad Declaration for Mainstreaming Widows’ and ‘Single Women’s Rights in Public Policy’. The declaration is aimed at providing equal opportunities for widows who are discriminated in the society.
I always wonder why widowers are not considered pariahs or unlucky in our countries and why only women are punished for acts that are beyond their control. What part, if any, did the aforementioned women play in bringing about the untimely demise of their significant others? What choices did they have? If we all know the answers to these questions then why do we continue to expel widows from our society?
It might sound ironic but the bitter truth is that divorced women are stigmatised more than widows. It is evident that in patriarchal societies, such as ours, single women are considered heretical. Any woman who wishes or chooses to live without a man is stereotyped on the basis of her decision to live alone.
It is important to understand that women can survive without a male supporter and still continue to live a respectable life. The sooner we realise this the better it is for our societies, and more importantly, our future generations.
The writer is a Reporter at Dawn.com
In most part of India also, the situation is nearly same like or worse. And in Hindu community it is like crime against humanity. But the situation has become a little better. I remember during my childhood (nearly 30 years ago), one man from Rajput Hindu family had died. His family was very rich and they were like landlords. He was the head of the family. We, as children liked him very much. Sometimes when our primary school classes were over at evening and we were going back to our homes, he will suddenly appear on the road and chase us and distribute sweets. Please note that time there was no gap / difference between Hindus and Muslims (every body was practicing their religion peacefully and without any objection from others and no hatred among them). When he died, the people wanted to burn his wife also with him but she resisted and finally they left her from burning alive. But after that her life became like hell or worse. She had to shave all her hair. She had to wear only very cheap white saari. She couldn’t go to temple. She had to leave her house and live in a very small dark room. She was to cook her own food in one pan in that room and eat alone. Nobody should touch anything of her. They were giving her very limited food which was only enough for one time in one day. She had to live mostly in the room in dark – without any light. She was not allowed to go to public places and also was not allowed to show her face to anybody. If she was caught in Public or in temple, she had to be beaten by hunters. She was only allowed to go for daily routine requirements in the night in dark and for bringing her water also she could go only in dark. But even if somebody saw her in the night, then again she had to be punished by hunters and sticks. There were many more things I cannot write here. But one thing I’ll write that she was many many times raped by his own family members and outsiders and there was no complaint of this, since she had to live alone in her small room. The cruelty finally was over after some years when one of her family member killed her for capturing her property. Alaas, we loved her and her husband but we children couldn’t do anything since nobody will listen her. Seeing these crimes against humanity, I hate this type of religion. Can anybody tell me where in Vedas these atrocity has been written. Shame on you who are the protectors of religion. Shame on you.
It may sound strange but it is women who are against women and it is men who are doing things to get them out. There are mother in laws, sister in laws and other wonderful women who will pass these rules as who is auspicious and who is cursed.
The writer is doing a great service to all of us in the subcontinent, by highlighting social issues that require acute attention by those who want to live in a peaceful and civilized society. The least we could do to help is discuss it rationally, dispassionately, and to introspect to look for societal/individual remedies.
Sadly many of us use this forum to make comments that reek of chauvinism of many a denomination.
Why is it so difficult to realize that all humans are born equal irrespective of their nationality, religious beliefs, the language they speak, their ethnicity, or orientation of any other type!
Peace, happiness etc can only be found when we purge ourselves of prejudices, stereotyping, bias, etc.
Please realize that as citizens of this world, we have an individual/collective duty to make it a safe and happy place to live in for the future generations!
Love and Peace
Rakesh
does writer have a name, or she is daughter of some General ?
@Manghirmalani
The writer does have a name—Faiza Mirza
If you read her previous articles, I am sure you will realize that she is well meaning in all her articles and doesn’t intend to be rhetorical. On the contrary she does have good things to say about our country/society.
I recon she is being objective in this article and is certainly not absolving the Pakistani society of the prejudice inherent in them either.
Let our generation give peace a chance.
Wishing you success in everything you do!
Rakesh
Good article, Why do use India as example, look at your country, how many people die every day in Karachi??????? Get your mentality straight.
All these omen-filled concepts about widows in Pakistan are not based on Islamic teachings. They are culturally fabricated over time due to other local influences. If Muslim men and women really want to resolve this issue and give some respect to widows, both the men and women must accept the concept of polygamy allowed under Islamic guidance. There mere fact being, that men are more prone to dying earlier than women because of their demand in the battle field or on dangerous missions, this leaving widows behind. These widows should have the right to seek financial and social security and human pleasures by finding jobs and marrying willing men. So there are always more available women than men for each other. This makes it a more a women’s issue to fix the widowhood problems. Unless Muslim women accept the Islamic teachings and change their attitude on the polygamy rights of their husband, the women widows problem continue to linger on, ironically against the welfare of their own gender. In short, Islamic teaching offer a solution to both women and men to provide security and respect to each other and to enjoy life, it is more on the women to accept and enforce it for resolving the widowhood miseries of their gender – the women.
Another Zakir naik.
If Zakir Naik talks nothing but Islam then he is another Tanvir….or vice versa……Does it make a difference
Well said Tanvir. However you can see that that more people have given your good comment a thumb down, showing the ‘jahalat’ of our society. So jahalat is the bigger issue of our society which needs to be resolved as well. Unfortunately its a catch22 situation, can’t fix one without fixing the other. How do you expect tens of millions of jahils to allow to fix this issue even though Holy Prophet of Islam (pbuh) himself clearly gave instructions on this matter and demonstrated it with his own example.
Well said Tanvir,……Masha’Allah
Brother its Deuterogamy (A second marriage, after the death of the first husband of wife),Islam doesn’t allow polygamy(The having of a plurality of wives or husbands at the same time) for women but men.
“I always felt different because everywhere I go people either give me sympathetic looks or are scared that I will bring bad luck. But the first time I actually felt betrayed was when one of my sisters was getting married. I was treated like an outcast by my own family, all of whom thought that if I touched the bridal clothes or anything related to the nuptial ceremony something catastrophic will happen,” narrated Mahar …these emotions were voiced by Mahar, a woman who lives in a country claiming to be God fearing and Islamic!! Isn’t it antithetical to the basic concept of “complete trust in God”, espoused by Pakistanis as a basic tenet of Islam? Or is it a left over from the Hinduism from the days of British slavery ?????
Pakistanis don’t believe in God or Islam or teachings of the holy prophet of Islam (pbuh). They just pretend to do so, which is total hypocrisy. Pakistanis follow exactly opposite to what Islam teaches.