Breaking News: New indigenous mobile company launched
It seems that the serious inconvenience caused by the protector of the people and ace terror fighter, interior minister Mr. Rehman Malik, who has made it a habit to suspend cell phone services at the drop of a hat, may come to an end soon by way of a new mobile courier company called “Bhangra” that was launched today in Karachi.
The launch was held at the Quetta Darbar Dervish Hotel in Gizri Bazar of Defence Phase 4. The parent company of Bhangra is a fully Pakistan based conglomerate the Dhaba Group of Companies.
Announcing the launch, Mr. M.A. Doodh Patti Wala, CEO, CFO and Chairman of the board, emphasised that the new product will be the first fully indigenous mobile courier system. “The system will be using technology that we have had in the sub-continent for hundreds of years: Pigeons!”
Taking a shot at a competitor that uses a foreign music form as their trademark, he declared, “Our system truly apna hey, jassey Bhangra apna hey!” Mr. Doodh Patti Wala thanked the terrorists and Mr. Rehman Malik for providing the inspiration for Bhangra. “You see, the current mobile systems are closed down on all important occasions causing immense problems to the public. This is the where Bhangra comes in. Messages will be relayed via trained pigeons (kabooters). Customer will be able to send a message by walking into any dhaba displaying the following sign. A team of courier pigeons will be available at all participating dhabas.”
The CEO also explained that very attractive special packages will be offered. For example the “Romance Package” will allow 10 messages to the same recipient for the price of five messages. The package will include a pre-written romantic message that the customer can pick out from a catalogue. For a small additional charge, the pigeon will drop flower petals on the recipient.
Mr. Doodh Patti Wala said that his projections indicate that given the deteriorating security situation in the country the current mobile systems will soon be shut at least 25 per cent of the time. Encouraging investors to buy the stocks in the new company, Mr. D.P. Walla said, “Our company is in a win-win situation: more violence, more sales!” Answering a question on the environmental problem due to pigeon dropping, Mr. Wala stated that special re-usable nappies are being designed in collaboration with the world-renowned nappy makers, Pooper and Gamble to contain the droppings.
The General Manager marketing Mr. S. A. Kabooter announced that Bhangra will be the official sponsor of the National Kabbadi Championship and the sponsored drink will be lassi. Replying to a query on the recruitment and training of the pigeons, Mr. Kabooter replied that the couriers have already been hired from the sufi saint mazars where thousands of pigeon come everyday to eat the grain showered by the devotees. For training, the pigeons are being taught to read Google maps. The beak of the pigeon is placed first on the message pickup point on the Google map and then at the delivery point. This will allow the pigeon to look at the route to get to the destination.
A defense establishment expert also spoke on the occasion, and highlighted the usefulness of the technology for national security. “Essentially, this is stealth technology. The pigeon carrying a secret message will be impossible to track since there are thousands of pigeons flying around in the air space. And if, by chance, a courier is shot down it is no great loss since pigeons breed, well, like pigeons!”
The launch came to an end with a spirited Bhangra performance by a team of pigeons over a cup of hot doodh patti and sweet jalebi. The only low point to an otherwise successful launch was that the pigeon droppings of the performing artists could not be contained by the locally manufactured nappies and caused some unpleasantness. Mr. D.P. Walla himself had a large white blob on his head that he cheerfully wiped off with his jacket sleeve, remarking, “All for a good cause!”
Stocks for Bhangra (KSE stock code “Bhang”) closed at Rs. 100 after being launched at Rs. 10.
The author is an engineer turned part-time journalist who likes to hang out at unfashionable places like shrines, railway stations and bus stops.
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