The expiring Asian contract
-Photo by Hussain Afzal
I met an old friend of mine the other day for the first time in 20 years. A white working-class man, from a working-class area of Birmingham, England.
He said, “I’ve moved back to Birmingham to look after my parents. They’re old and frail. I’ve reduced my working hours as well, so I can look after them.”
I asked, “Do you get paid for that?”
He said, “No.”
I said, “But you’re white.”
“I know.”
“White people are not renowned for looking after their elderly. On the contrary, well known for putting them in an old people’s home and seeing them once every three months.”
“I know,” he replied. “But I don’t want any regrets. I don’t want to regret not having looked after them.”
I thought this to be admirable. Excuse my prejudice but this is a white working-class man. Wasn’t he meant to have moved to Spain with his girlfriend for lots of sea, sun and sex and then just turn up for the funeral and cake?
It put some of my Indian and Pakistani friends to shame. A lot of them have certainly packed up their bags and moved away to pursue flash cars, numerous wives, casinos and illicit weekends in Dubai hotels.
Saying things like, “Oh, my parents are not old, they’re only 85, they’ve got at least 10 years left and they don’t really need me yet”. Obviously, they will be there just in time for the chicken biryani and jalebis.
This must be a new development because it is our culture to look after our parents. It goes without saying – love them or hate them. No matter how irritated or annoyed by them we are, there is no question about it, when they’re old you just have to do it. It’s in the Asian contract when you’re born.
Or, that used to be the case.
When I was a kid I used to go to people’s houses for dinner where they would make jokes about white people sticking their parents in homes. It was a running joke that white people didn’t value their elders the way we did. Now, it seems the tables have turned.
My parents have been such dominant characters in their children’s lives. Larger than life characters that have their noses in all our business, had our lives planned out before we are born, always know best, are always right, can find you a better husband than you can, know much more than we’ll ever know, and their favourite line, “If you don’t look after us now, you’ll pay for it in the next life”. This makes us all so scared that we immediately start doing the washing up and helping them up the stairs.
I can’t imagine my parents ever not being alive. They have always been alive. I think I take their being alive for granted. I can’t imagine a life without my mother saying, “Why have you brought those dirty shoes inside the house?” and, “Where are my grandchildren?” and my dad saying, “Are you sure your male friend is gay?”
I don’t think about them not being here, because I can’t see it. I can’t imagine it, but there would probably be no worse feeling than living with regret. You can’t hug your parents after they’re dead. And nothing will ever prepare me for that loss, with regret thrown in as well; it might just be the most awful way to live the rest of your life.
Asians often think of themselves as a superior race, “we make good doctors, good husbands, loyal wives, well-educated children; we work hard, we know all about respect and are top of the league in judging other races and cultures,” but maybe all that is a thing of the past.
My generation and those coming after me are turning white and the real white people are turning Asian. We’d better watch out, otherwise soon people will be saying, “God, those Asian people have no respect for their elders, no family values. They’re lazy, immoral and way too liberal!”
We could learn a lot from the white man who we thought would throw his parents to the dogs.
The author is an award winning stand-up comedian and writer. She has performed all over the world. A columnist for The Guardian UK, she was named Columnist of the Year at the prestigious PPA Awards. Find out more from her website.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
I can’t say about other Asian countries but I am certain about India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. We only know how to preach others. We are such people, who think differently, speak differently and acts altogether different. West and may be East Asian nations are different. Generally in their personal life there will not be much difference between their thought, speak and action. Think about it. This also applies to parental care.
Good Job
Great piece, I hope all stereotypes get a chance to be seen in the right perspective. No community loves their parents any less or more. Certain cultures are more practical than others while we are completely emotion-driven. I really wish parents in our society learn from their Western counterparts and not give their whole lives away to children, leaving themselves in need later in life.
This is soooo true!
My parents are always telling me how they thing white people don’t look after their parents and that it’s wrong to stick their parents in a nursing home. I get so annoyed because lately not just in the UK do you see a trend with people just plain abandoning thier parents. Even in Pakistan, I know of not one but many examples where an old relative was shuffled from house to house because no one really wanted to take care of them. This is shameful and we should all be warned because there will come a time when we wll be standing in our parents shoes and we’ll be treated with the same ‘hassle-like attitude’ that we once employed.
And I also agree about how we think we’re such a superior race. We don’t divorce, we have no infertility rates, we , we, we.
This is a great piece. The fact that it has made me think, and question myself and create a debate on here is testament to that. All great writing is challenging, you don’t have to like or agree with what is said, it just has to make you react in someway.
Is china, japan, hong kong, russia and other various countries in asia have the same culture as pakistan? The article does not state any facts or figures which can be used as a comparison…Suddenly you witnessed a white man doing a right thing and you compared to the culture of Asians which is what? This is a useless article without any research and objective…Please explain us the culture of asians…I am living in Middle east since 20 years and I have seen different nationalities here from asia and all of them are different… If our culture was so good then why do we have EDHI foundation in our country?
This is a great piece of writing. Honest, true and moving. People treat their elderly in different ways depending on where they come from and what they value. Shazia, love your comedy and your writing. You are the Alan Bennett of your generation. Thankyou.
It is amazing how a growing number of people today avoid their responsibility to look after their parents using various justifications; including
Career!
Religion – Mahrem issue!
Society!
Lack of Space in the house (or their heart)
West is different!
I dont have the time!
I guess that is also coming through to younger generations and will increase where kids will be seen as burden and marriage break-ups are an accepted part of life in the west!
Roll on 2020 – We will on average get married 2-3 times and have 1.6 Kids!
I also do not think that this article desreves a place in a National paper as it is very much a chitter chatter eminating from a single incident and over generalising statement!
We are British Pakistanis and our parents always told us that there is a good and bad in all people! AND always focus on peoples/individuals good deeds rather than bad!
I live in Birmingham and would say that this is an isolated incident. However, I do feel that young professional Pakistanis living in Pakistan try to be more westernised than the goras. Blame it on the parents for not bringing up the kids with good morals and tarbiyyah1
The values which makes anyone good is modesty, humility, fear of god and society (from wrong doing) respect, hard work, patience, perseverence, long-term and next generational thinking.
These are universal values and not exclusive to any society.
Infact I sense that a growing number of Asians (new generations in particular) have a victim phycology and are some how always trying to prove against various negative perceptions in society at large. In doing so they loose sight of what is important….some times it is temporary…and unfortunately at other times…it is for good…
Equally I guess there is pressure on the white community to act opposite to various stigmas and perceptions.
But what I would really like to flag here that we should get out a bit and try to understand the Europeans a bit better, rather than basing our whole perception on the working classes of any country.
We should try to figure out what the Middle Endgland thinks and much to everyones surprise they are no different to the Asians in how they look after their families (kids and elderly)…
as Iqbal once said..
jab main maghrib ko daikhta hun to mujhe islam dikhta hai baghair hai musalman k
jab main mashriq ko daikhta hun to mujhe musalman nazar aate hain.. baghair islam k..
sad reality
Very true …my friend…unfortunately the values of our prophet and great philosophers like Iqbal are in a decline with the new things to occupy our minds….Technology, Internet, Dollars!
there are exceptions… So from just one case study, you cannot say that whole society is doing this…!!!