The expiring Asian contract
-Photo by Hussain Afzal
I met an old friend of mine the other day for the first time in 20 years. A white working-class man, from a working-class area of Birmingham, England.
He said, “I’ve moved back to Birmingham to look after my parents. They’re old and frail. I’ve reduced my working hours as well, so I can look after them.”
I asked, “Do you get paid for that?”
He said, “No.”
I said, “But you’re white.”
“I know.”
“White people are not renowned for looking after their elderly. On the contrary, well known for putting them in an old people’s home and seeing them once every three months.”
“I know,” he replied. “But I don’t want any regrets. I don’t want to regret not having looked after them.”
I thought this to be admirable. Excuse my prejudice but this is a white working-class man. Wasn’t he meant to have moved to Spain with his girlfriend for lots of sea, sun and sex and then just turn up for the funeral and cake?
It put some of my Indian and Pakistani friends to shame. A lot of them have certainly packed up their bags and moved away to pursue flash cars, numerous wives, casinos and illicit weekends in Dubai hotels.
Saying things like, “Oh, my parents are not old, they’re only 85, they’ve got at least 10 years left and they don’t really need me yet”. Obviously, they will be there just in time for the chicken biryani and jalebis.
This must be a new development because it is our culture to look after our parents. It goes without saying – love them or hate them. No matter how irritated or annoyed by them we are, there is no question about it, when they’re old you just have to do it. It’s in the Asian contract when you’re born.
Or, that used to be the case.
When I was a kid I used to go to people’s houses for dinner where they would make jokes about white people sticking their parents in homes. It was a running joke that white people didn’t value their elders the way we did. Now, it seems the tables have turned.
My parents have been such dominant characters in their children’s lives. Larger than life characters that have their noses in all our business, had our lives planned out before we are born, always know best, are always right, can find you a better husband than you can, know much more than we’ll ever know, and their favourite line, “If you don’t look after us now, you’ll pay for it in the next life”. This makes us all so scared that we immediately start doing the washing up and helping them up the stairs.
I can’t imagine my parents ever not being alive. They have always been alive. I think I take their being alive for granted. I can’t imagine a life without my mother saying, “Why have you brought those dirty shoes inside the house?” and, “Where are my grandchildren?” and my dad saying, “Are you sure your male friend is gay?”
I don’t think about them not being here, because I can’t see it. I can’t imagine it, but there would probably be no worse feeling than living with regret. You can’t hug your parents after they’re dead. And nothing will ever prepare me for that loss, with regret thrown in as well; it might just be the most awful way to live the rest of your life.
Asians often think of themselves as a superior race, “we make good doctors, good husbands, loyal wives, well-educated children; we work hard, we know all about respect and are top of the league in judging other races and cultures,” but maybe all that is a thing of the past.
My generation and those coming after me are turning white and the real white people are turning Asian. We’d better watch out, otherwise soon people will be saying, “God, those Asian people have no respect for their elders, no family values. They’re lazy, immoral and way too liberal!”
We could learn a lot from the white man who we thought would throw his parents to the dogs.
The author is an award winning stand-up comedian and writer. She has performed all over the world. A columnist for The Guardian UK, she was named Columnist of the Year at the prestigious PPA Awards. Find out more from her website.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
Having worked in Australian aged care for 18 years, I would like to point out that currently only 7% of people end up in nursing homes. Putting a parent into a home is not a decision that most people take lightly, and legislation requires a full assessment before the home can accept them. People are not admitted unless their care needs require that level of attention. Nursing homes have proper equipment and trained staff to deal with the issues that arise. Think about a man of 85 who might be 183 cms tall and 90-100kgs. Do you think his 60-65 yr old daughter is going to be able to lift him out of a bed or a wheelchair if he cannot weight-bear. Also think about his loss of dignity if his daughter has to assist him with toileting or change his catheter. Also, not everyone can afford to give up work to look after an elderly parent. Nursing homes are heavily subsidised by the government so that even a person whose sole income is the aged pension, can still afford them. The main issue is ensuring the parents are being properly looked after, not necessarily in doing it yourself.
Dear Sue,
I am an Asian and agree. I believe this article is not worth printing and represents tittle tattle!
The key is the intensions of the people involved.
Regards
is it that when you prosper, you forget who brought you up till here that one starts ignoring their builders- the parents.How ignorant we asians are,i peity,i piety.
Oh i found one white guy who cares for parents and couple of asians who dont… now tables have turned… i dont understand how such low level articles come on dawn… on the same page where genius like NFP has smokers corner….
Agree- may be just because she is some stand-up comic that not many asians watch…so she is trying to get herself some publicity!
“If you don’t look after us now, you’ll pay for it in the next life”.
parents dont really say that
Shazia, you hit the right cord with this writing, I moved to US at age of 22, got university education,got married and got busy in the in the struggles of life as an immagrant. I will go visit my parents every three or four years, spent a week or two with them and I thought I have met a little bit of my obligation to them. Now I am sixty years old my kids are well educated and on their own, at about the same age I came to US. I miss my children when they dont call or visit us at least once a week, Now I can feel the pain my parents felt when I was away from them after age 22 till they passed away.Now I wish I had spent more time with them.
Mansoor
USA
Unfortunately sometime we come to senses when its late. Those whose parents are alive must cherish every moment of it.
umm.. generaly the word “Asian” is assoiciated with people from south-east asia… we south-asian are most commonly known as the sub-continental rather thn just asians.. just saying.. other thn tht ur article was good.
its not a common joke its a a fact that most white people abandon their old relatives (dont limit to only parents). some are keeping their families intact and they r social in that way as well.
Please talk about your roots and not about India at least.
My wife and I are in 70s. Many of my friends are surprised that we live “independently”. We have no plans to move in with the kids. Let them enjoy their privacy.
Sad……
Interesting read; i would say caring for your parents or otherwise does not depend upon color of your skin. It has to do with the value system and role models we encounter early in life.
Asians also think white people do not spend money on their children’s education as much as the asians do. Rich and upper middle class white people spend a lot of money for sending theirkids to good posh boarding schools.
Interesting article. Something to think about.
I know many friends/neighbors here in the US, whose parents live in Assisted Living facilities (which charge a lot of money BTW). The parents were not ‘dumped’ there by their kids. In fact, they preferred to live there (once they got to an age where they could not care for themselves) rather than becoming dependent on their kids (and daughter-in-laws…). There might be some heart-wrenching stories here and there, but I don’t think it is the norm.
I would like to relate a Hindu mythical story on the value and place of parents here. Lord Shiva had two sons, Ganesha and Kartikay who had a contest amongest themselves as to who can travel the universe and return home faster. While kartikay goes out to literally encircle the universe, Ganesha just perambulates his parents saying that his universe lies in his parents and not the material world.Of course in the story Ganesha is the winner Asian and not the materialistic Western Kartikay.
Get grip of reality, Ms. Mirza.
Here in the West, especially in north America, people prize individualism and independence.
No parent here wants to live with his children.
If parents were rich in Asia and had saved enough for the rainy day, they would also not want to live with their children.
I feel sad that Britons of Pakistani origin are now of two kinds the low skilled, either involved in crimes or religious fanatics. On the other hand, the successful and educated professionals have become hedonistic individuals who have lost their identiy.
Nice take on the issue, but a comical take at best.
The real story here in the West is that grown up white children who had left the household are moving in again with their parents.
Its not that western dont care about their parents ,its the fast paced life and Above all they have institutions available which they opt to choice .I bet if we will have anything in Pakistan where we can put our parents ,the business will florish .
We are hypocrits,keeps parents in our house where your mother becomes your kidz’s maid and your father pays your bills .Stop this nonsense
Nice eye opener on why we should preserve our love and care contract with our parents. My Professor is similar to the white working class person described here and I’ve learned a lot from him on how we should treat our elders. I was just this morning telling my wife how he flies from the UK to US every week or so, literally the other side of the world, even on a day’s notice to look after his 98 year old mother. We both admitted regrettably we probably wouldn’t even come close in looking after our own parents. Even at this age his mother enjoys the independence of her own home and love and care of her son — certainly not the prototypical impression Asians have of Western nursing home culture!
On my first ever trip to the EU last month, visited four countries, and reached the conclusion that in many respects many of them are better followers of the Islamic teachings and past good values of the East than we are now even though they aren’t even Muslims. Be it taking care of the old as you mention or be it good manners, respecting others, helping others, freedom, discipline and punctuality, hard work, cleanliness and no corruption even when glaringly obviously easy opportunities of corruption present themselves (atleast what I saw in my personal experiences). We really need to revisit our behaviors, actions, thinking and mentality and reassess where we are headed to.
On the basis of a few stories you cant judge the whole lot. The difference is still there esp if you come across the rural areas of Asian countries where parents are worshiped like god and goddess. You will very seldom see such high level of care for parents in any part of the world. And yes it goes without saying that they deserve such special treatment.
Interesting. Although I beg to disagree. The said statement ‘ It was a running joke that white people didn’t value their elders the way we did. Now, it seems the tables have turned ‘ is way too prejudiced.
Shazia, I live in USA, and from my observation, although there are some white families who take care of their elderly parents, for the most part thats not the case. But the reasons may be different than what one might think. For generations, westerners haven’t taken care of their old parents but at the same time most don’t rely on their children. If you didn’t do something yourself, how can you expect it from your children. And that’s the reason they don’t seem to mind that. Today, huge number of American elderly have resources to take care of themselves, living in fine Senior Communities (These are fancy gated communities for elderly) or when they get too old, they rely on fancy “Assisted Living” communities. However, this is dramatically going to change as the Social Security and Medicare System is coming to the brink of disaster as the “Baby Boomer Generation” (those born post WWII up to mid sixties) retire in massive numbers. It will be interesting to see how a generation that didn’t take care of their own parents, may need to rely (or request) their kids to take care of them.
I am glad we take care of our parents. Even if they have the means, I don’t want them to be away from us. God bless!
The cycle of dependency in the west is because there is a safety net provided by the Government in terms of Social Security and Medicare. If Asian governments also provide a safety net, you will see that the non-white folks also dump their elders.
lol sadly its true! Us brown people always will inferior of our white friends and try hard to be like them. Seems like we are catching up
Wow! Amazing article. It shines light on a falsehood we tell ourselves. All of us first generation immigrants in the west left families behind to seek fame and fortune, or respectability from others in society – after all “Vilayati” (the origin of Blighty) carried esteem), a residue of having been ruled by the British. But then as we got busy with our own selfishness we left our parents behind to fend for themselves. Joking about western folks regarding their disrespect of elders was just a way for us to hide from our own folly.
I am ashamed to say that I saw my parents only four times after I left them in 1969. I could only grieve after they left this world after having made it their mission to raise us children, educate us, and pave the way for out future.
Thank you for bringing this to light.
Sir, thanks for your honest reply. I will like to learn from you.thanks .i will never abandon my parents.
My Father who died in his late 80s, always said “Old age is a curse”, and I would add that that’s the case whether one is brown, white, yellow, or black, and whichever part of the world one inhabits. We all get there soon enough, don’t we ?