Smokers’ Corner: Let’s talk
Due to the much justified pressure from a majority of honourable Pakistanis (especially motorbike owners), equally honourable journalists and leaders like Shahbaz Shaheen Sharif, Jim Khan, Mansura Hussain and someone called Billu, the Pakistan government has finally decided to talk to members of extremist and militant outfits operating in North Waziristan.
In fact it is being said that a peace agreement has already been signed between the government and the extremists. The agreement emerged after several rounds of negotiations between the two sides and many glasses of an orange juice brand that wasn’t packaged by a company owned by heretics.
The major points of the agreement are as follows:
• Strict Sharia-compliant LBW rules would be imposed in the Waziristan Premier Cricket League (WPL), and the cheerleaders will all be goats.
• The Pakistani Army will gradually withdraw from the region so it can go back to doing what it does best: Play golf.
• The government and the extremists would exchange prisoners and gifts. The government will gift Sangsar Abbasi to the extremists who seemed to like that certain adolescent tinge of romantic sadness in his voice, especially when he is commonly whining, while the extremists will gift the government the severed head of someone called Billu.
• The extremists would halt attacks on barber shops, music shops and girls’ schools and instead attack saunas, discos and women’s driving schools. Though there are no saunas and discos in Pakistan, the government will build a few just so the extremists can blow them up.
• The extremists cannot display weapons in public, especially suicide bombers. The bombers will now have to explode in specially padded caves.
• The extremists cannot operate training camps either, other than only for holding ballet classes.
• The extremists would denounce suicide attacks. However they can hail heart attacks in the name of faith.
• A ban would be placed on raising private militias; but holding public floggings is allowed. Government has agreed to telecast the floggings live on TV and provide the same commentators that TV channels used during the recently concluded Asian Kabadi Championship in Lahore.
• The extremists will cooperate with the government to vaccinate children against polio — especially that variant of mountain polio that causes hallucinatory migraines. In other words, instead of bullets, the government will now fight terrorism with aspirin.
• Only licensed FM radio stations would be allowed to operate in the region. However, the extremists will get to pick their own RJ’s.
• The extremists would allow the goats of Waziristan to perform their duties at the work place without any fear. However, the women of the region will have to wait for this opportunity. They are way down in the extremists’ priority list: 37 bellow men, suicidal boys, men, goats, more men, and Yeti the abdominal snowman.
• Government will stop US drones from entering Pakistani airspace. For this it plans to send brand new traffic signals and about 200 traffic constables to North Waziristan.
A similar agreement was signed with the extremists in 2008. But the militants promptly disobeyed the terms of the deal, and began to overrun police stations and enforce strict Sharia-compliant LBW laws through coercion. The extremists had blamed the government’s plan to paint the Red Mosque in magenta colour. They hate magenta.
Historically, Afghani extremist outfits are behind the ideological inspiration of the Pakistani extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Chinese extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Luxemburg extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Martian extremists, so on and so forth.
It is fair to remind one that the Pakistani extremist groups had sent over 10,000 fighters into Afghanistan to fight Darth Vader and his evil forces in 2001: A Space Odyssey, which was quite a trip, man. Like, far out.
The government is also close to signing a deal with Luke bin Skywalker, the leader of the Pakistani extremists. Luke bin was allegedly behind the brutal suicide attack that knocked off Mian Nawaz Sharif’s brand new toupee.
However, Sharif blamed Interior Minister, Rehman Wonka, after which enraged PML(N) workers staged a rowdy sit-in outside Mr. Wonka’s chocolate factory. To neutralise the protest, Wonka had turned off mobile phone services around his factory premises.
Cricketer-turned-politician-turned-turnip, Jim Khan, who had taught some of the extremists the art of bowling reverse swing, is not happy with the peace accord.
Disagreeing with the accord, Jim Khan hurled accusations at the present government and said he was right to boycott the 2008 elections because the results have brought nothing but blood, bombs and ball tampering. And Rehman Wonka.
He then set out with his party workers (on Facebook) to march against the government (on Twitter) to instate the jirga system within the Diplomatic Enclave in Islamabad.
Hearing this, President Zardari, while having orange juice with his Chinese counterpart said: “I say, Wong Tong, it will be a ghastly understatement to suggest that this fellow is rather confused,” to which his Chinese counterpart said something that nobody understood but Firdous Ashiq Awan insisted it meant “yea, baby, yea!”
Interestingly, the terms of the peace deal do not call for the extremists to halt cross border attacks inside Afghanistan, not that there is much left in Afghanistan to attack, except maybe some shaky magenta coloured ruins. They hate magenta.
NFP, as usual you made mt Sunday great.
Seeker :
Pakitan will be saved only if we transform it into a secular state in which religion is an important but a
private affair
of the individual . There is no other way . Ironically , even Islam can flourish only in a secular
order . Consider :
Is Islam really flourishing in Pakistan ? or in Iran ? or in Saudi Arabiia ? Is Islam actually practised in
these so-called Islamic
countries worth presenting to the world as the ideal way of life ? We should make 11th August
speech of Jinnah as the basis for our constituion .
Yes religion is a private affair and it has nothing to do with the business of the state.
The quote Jinnah quoted was of yore,he didn’t invent the quote he just repeated it.
In Pakistan politicians are Mullahs or Mullahs become politicians or politicians act like mullahs and they render fatwas.
I beg to disagree Sir. Islam is like no other religion. Everything worth knowing and following is already mentioned in the holy Koran and Hadith. And with the change of goverment in the next election, I’m sure Pakistan will become a model Islamic state, which in other words, is the perfect welfare state without any vices.
Utopia…people have been searching for it ..it exists only in a person’s imagination!
Dear abc people with your kind of views started Pakistan and now have almost reached the xyz stage (that’s the end – no more letters in the alphabet remain!!)
abc – Can you name one model Islamic state over the last 500 years.
abc could you please enlighten us how this will happen
abc, good joke you are really very funny
W have been hearing this story for fourteen hundred years. Model Islamic State is still a dream. Even in the best days, caliphs were murdered by their own people!
In practice, it has been a nightmare instead of a dream.
You’re right about that -Islam is like no other religion. Certainly nowhere close to Buddhism in its magnanimity and humanity. Or like the ancient Vedic religions in its profundity.
So my comment criticizing this piece was removed/deemed not relevant to this discussion? So much for liberal Pakistan eh
Ihad, once earlier, written that I can read the sorrow hidden in this satire by Nadeem. Dear Nadeem Bhai, may almighty God grant you readership of every Pakistani and grant every Pakistani the ability and intelligence to understand your words. I have heard that there is a large silent majority that knows what is required to eradicate the evil of Talibanization and I beseach Almighty Lord to convert this Silent Minority to a Vocal Majority within the foreseeable future. Thanks again, Dear Nadeem for a insightful post.
Fantastic! An imaginative piece which captures our truth better than endless slanging matches on tv talkshows
between our politicians and learned analysts . But I do have an apprehension . Given our
tendency to believe self-serving illusions rather than bitter realities , the satires may not work
as wake-up calls , but as some sort of opiate.
.
lol. rib tickling stuff. You are a genius, NFP.
black humor…..amazingly written article. thumbs up!
you must write a book on ‘Satirical Political History of Pakistan’ Paracha Sahab!
Whatever your drinking and / or smoking, keep at it because we seriously need entertainment and if people can read something into all this that you write, even better.
Good one! Hats off to you NFP.
God loves all,lets love all.
God loves sinners too.
That’s a very comfortable thought.
So, let’s sin!
That my friend is your choice. Contemplate on what happened at the Garden of Eden. That is where the downfall of us humans began.
Life evolves. We humans are just a by-product.
Let liberals rule in Pakistan.
Pakistan can only be saved by liberals whether he may belong to any of the below
Sunni
Shia
Sufi
Ahmadia
Wahabi
Deobandi
Barelvi
Ahl al-Hadith
Hindu
Christian
Buddhist
Jew
Parsi
etc
First of all would you like to define ‘Liberals’?
Statue of Liberty in America show to the world that America follows Liberalism.
Liberal is a person who does not interfere in the business of other.Liberal rulers advocate a liberal country.
Liberal country :- The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s way of life.
Pakistanis/Muslims must re examine their core beliefs and try to reinterpret in a creative way before they can even start to aspire for liberalism in their value systems and ultimately the political ethos.
Let live…!
What about the atheists?
There is no problem adding atheist to the above list.
You write all sects and religion except a MUSLIM ?
I left it for people like you.
Hilarious. Said it all in the most satirical manner.
If there are no liberal left in Pakistan then consider it to be end of Pakistan.
Liberals in America 70%
Liberals in Britain 55%
Liberals in India 25%
Liberals in Pakistan 5%
5% belong to Hindus,Christians, Buddhists,Parsi and minorities
If these 5% leave Pakistan that is the end of Pakistan.
india 25% LOL
Actually it is something like 81% ..liberalism and secularism are ATTRIBUTES of the dominant faith Hinduism.
Indian culture has certain attributes to it…secularism and liberalism .Almost 100% of the population is comfortable with it.
India has muslim vice president,foreign minister,chief justice.What do Pakisatn have? Nothing.
Muslim population in India increases every year. Non-muslimpopulation in Pakistan decreases every year.
recently Intelligence bureau of India has a muslim head
No Vastav, the liberals are in a higher figure, just that they have been less vocal and gradually over the years, what bhutto and zia ul haq did for the country has caught up basically. Dont worry, we are still relying on Jim Khan to do political wonders as done on the cricketing pitch.
I have my doubt about Jim Khan delivering the best for Pakistan.
Doubt is ok. Surety is something I will object on.
You use satire when you feel things are not under your control or you have no hope left.I feel hope is there for Pakistan if it becomes a secular country like the west where there is no role of religion in politics and you don’t make use of religion to do politics.
well,achieving a pakistan where u say that religion has no role to play in state work is impossible because islam was used as a tool(a very powerful indeed) to carve out pakistan out of hindu-dominate indian-subcontinent. so a country made in the name of a religion- islam can not so easily escape its very basic principle: in islam state and religion are not separate but interconnected.
It is sad to see Mr. riz / Mr. T that you cannot come out of your Islamic obsession.
we are happy please dont be so concerned about us
May God give you wisdom.
And you see the results of that terrible decision effected 65 yrs ago. How many more years do you want to suffer and cause suffering to everybody else around you? If you dont wake up from your religious “NASHA” you are doomed. Even god cant save you.
Good comments
Is there anything positive you see ? not even 1% ? if you have such a keen eye on the all bad things why didn’t you write something positive of hopeful for the people. Play some positive role as a journalist. As they say no news is a good news but for media good news is not a news…
Shame Mr. T
You are trying to cover up the bad news,how long can you cover it one day it will come out in open this is the day where the news has broken out to the masses.
Funny at the same time today I am SADDENED after viewing a video relesed by Talibaan of placing in a line Pakistani Soldiers and shooting them as target practrice. Gosh how long will the Ghairatmund Pak Army, Ghairutmund Jim Khans and all the Ghairutmund Shareef Pakistanis accept this HUMILIATION?…
These Taliban are our strategic assets. ONE DAY they will win Kashmir for us.
Yes. They are going to do this for us one country at a time; then the moon and finally Mars.
Well said…high time Pakistan started producing engineers scientists entrepreneurs in a big way.
To launch missions to Mars and the Moon perhaps?
Or even launch an Information Technology revolution with a huge pool of techies.
India has done both and we don’t have any “taliban” problems!
May be many Pakistanis lost their confidence on Pak Army to retrieve Kashmir, that too after 4 wars with India. Now Pakistanis along with Pak Army think that only Talibans can do the job.
I like this one line satire of yours.
Thanks for getting it.
Please ask your army why it has not launched not any decisive operation against TTP so far despite beheading of its soldiers and killing of thousands of innocent people in Pakistan?
Pakistan is run by a few power-hungry fanatics who have fooled us into believing that this is a sacrifice in the name of religion and territorial integrity. All that they care about is their ego. The life and wellbeing of the people of Pakistan, including the soldiers of the regular army, is of no concern to them
army is to protect us against India, The Kafir Country.
Muslim killing Muslim is ok ?
A video done by Dawn available on the Youtube and with Air Chief Marshal Asghar Khan in it .
It is titled ” Indian- An imagined enemy”…just helping and Dawn to look up resources which might help cobwebs????
My Sunday morning is made. A point made through humor is the point made in the best possible manner.
Good job NFP.
Haha, finally some laughs!
LOL. Luke bin Skywalker!! I can’t stop laughing!
Thanks a lot NFP, it seems as if among those all with suicidal jackets, guns, slogans and outdated ideologies you are standing in middle with your paintball gun and hitting them in faces with red color to let everyone know who is the black sheep.
Excellent analogy. Great choice of words.
In fact, as part of the deal Talibans will be supported to extend their operations on both sides of the border now; west & east. In return, only the Shia and Sufi and Martian shrines will be attacked by Talibans.
Paracha sb. don`t be afraid, let the people GEO and JEENE DO.