Smokers’ Corner: When in Canada …
John J. Pinto, the Caucasian Canadian and Catholic scholar who for some reason became a citizen of Pakistan has reached the Canadian capital, Ottawa, with some 40 billion followers of his.
Speaking near the Canadian Parliament Hall, Pinto told the mega-ultra-epic-mammoth crowd that he had returned to Canada to get rid of its corrupt politicians, parties and political system and impose true democracy with the help of the country’s armed forces, judiciary and ice hockey team.
‘I won’t move from here until I achieve my goal,’ he promised. ‘I will turn Ottawa into Nazareth and send Ceasar and his evil men home even if they feed me to the lions!’
Most Canadian politicians in the government and opposition have been critical of Pinto. They have accused him of staying in Pakistan as a Pakistani only to return to Canada on the instructions of those who want to derail Canada’s democracy, topple an elected parliament and replace it with a technocratic set-up backed by the military, judiciary and the country’s ice hockey squad.
‘Pinto is a former failed politician and a spiritual fraud,’ a government spokesman claimed. ‘We know who he is working for, and believe me, it’s not John the Baptist.’
Pinto refuted the claim: ‘I don’t want power,’ he shouted from behind his bullet-proof, water-proof, sound-proof, smoke-free, digital, 60-inch flat-screen altar. ‘I am ready to give my life for my country!’
This created some confusion as many were not quite sure whether he meant giving his life for Pakistan or Canada.
‘For Canada!’ He clarified.
‘Does that mean you are ready to renounce your Pakistani citizenship?’ A nosy journalist asked him.
‘I’m a citizen of the world. Of Christendom. Of true democracy. What’s in a passport? Repent, fool!’ Pinto replied.
As he was saying this, he began to weep: ‘I had a dream last night. It was a most glorious dream. I saw a light descending from the blue skies of Ottawa. The light hit the ground and on the ground emerged tanks and soldiers marching towards victory and then snow began to fall. I looked closely and realised the big snow flakes were actually white curly wigs — the sort judges wear. Hallelujah!’
‘Hallelujah!’ The crowd chanted back. ‘Change! Change! Change!’ They began to shout, even though most of them were women who were basically demanding that they be allowed to change their babies’ diapers in peace.
‘I’ve been here for hours,’ one such woman who was with a shell-shocked baby told journalists. ‘The government is not allowing us to change our babies’ diapers. This is an outrage! We want change.’
And then it happened. While Pinto was speaking, an aide of his whispered something into his ears. Pinto stopped for a while, threw up his arms and began to shout out loud: ‘Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice! The Supreme Court of Canada has just ordered the arrest of the Prime Minister! Rejoice! Throw your children in the air and then catch them after they perform two somersaults and you perform four cartwheels. I hear the tanks coming. I hear the judiciary puffing its chest. I see an elected government collapsing. A glorious day for democracy!’
The Canadian media went into overdrive. Why did the SC decide to choose this very moment to deliver its verdict in an old case filed against the PM? Was it in on Pinto’s agenda and game? Would the military or a technocratic set-up follow?
A spokesperson of Canada’s Chief Justice (who also doubles as a TV anchor) denied the allegation: ‘The CJ doesn’t even know who Pinto is,’ he said.
The Canadian Supreme Court is situated only a few kilometres away from where Pinto was holding his rally.
‘Oh, that,’ the spokesperson replied. ‘The CJ thought there was a huge baby diaper sale taking place there.’
But as SC supporters continued to insist on the diaper sale theory, detractors warned that the SC’s decision was part of the Canadian establishment’s plan to derail democracy.
Canada’s leading political parties agreed, but were still cautious. However, everyone now looked towards what the party headed by the former captain of the Canadian ice hockey team, Jim Kant, would do.
Jim’s party has no representation in the parliament but does have street power.
During a press conference he put forward seven demands to the government: ‘We have taken a wait and see approach,’ Jim told reporters. ‘But we are putting out a list of seven demands to the government. 1: Hold elections ASAP, that is As Soon As Possible and not America Speaks Armenian Punk, okay? 2: Change some fishy personnel in the Election Commission of Canada; 3: The President of the country should resign. Just for the heck of it. 4: A truly neutral caretaker government should be formed, preferably in Zurich, Switzerland. 5: Five. 6: Seven. 7: One, Two, Three, Four and Five. Dig?’
At the time this report was filed by this correspondent, Pinto was still holding fort and sharing his latest dreams that now included visions of fairies and angels descending from the skies and rewriting the Canadian Constitution according to the dictates of the Bible (King James edition); Jim’s musclemen were trying to convince him to let them storm the Bastille in Paris; the SC was running out of prime ministers to fire; and the media was loudly gazing at its navel and calling it ‘Breaking News!’
perfect satire! NFP, made my day, i think you should have done something like this for Bilawal Bhutto when he made his historical debut speech.
I would love to see a piece of writing each for those who ruled and looted this country time and again and put it on the brink of collapse and still waiting and hoping for yet another round of plundering! It is moral duty of every writer to expose corrupt elements and educate people properly! I can’t see any improvement in situation of country without new leadership whether people like it or lump it!
It is an interesting piece, but there is no parallel between Canada and Pakistan. Pakistanis should be proud of a man who has selflessly delivered in the best interest of Pakistan.
totally agree with you. Pakistan and islam needs a truly selfless and strong and righteous person like, Mr Qadri.
a selfless person? you mean the guy who ran abroad and acquired canadian citizen, cheered for the dictator musharraf when he overthrew a democratic goverment; oh and the guy who was sweating sitting inside his warm and cozy palace on his majestic throne and braying for the blood of one and all ?
yeah we definitely need this cartoon !
TRUTH AS SATIRE as only NFP can deliver.
PAR EXCELLENCE!!!!!
TRUTH AS SATIRE only NFP can deliver.
PAR EXCELLENCE!!!!!
Har har, Made my Sunday…even if close to midnight. Hope we all find the peace and prosperity etc, we all deserve in South Asia, sooner rather than later.
Mr. Paracha: you forgot to mention that after performing his miracle in Ottawa, Mr. Pinto has returned to Pakistan to make sure he gets all the social security benefits the country has to offer. He is now dreaming up future plans to change the societies in other infidelistans – America. China, India, Britain, European countries ….
As always, your article in wonderful.
Dear Nadeem Saheb
I enjoy most of your articles. They are full of fun and have an underlying love for our country and its glorious past. I do not always agree with what you say, but that doesn’t lessen my respect for you.
As for the current episode in Islamabad, I guess majority of Pakistanis are not happy with the governance in general. They also do not expect any improvements after elections whether PPP wins or PML N wins. People are very worried because of the law and order situation and the terrorism.
Unfortunately media also appears to be a part of the same system. We do not see any fresh voice, any hope. Lets pray we will get s leader that will be able to unite Pakistan and get rid of corruption and terrorism.
Naseer Sahib: AOA
The Pakistanis (like the Americans) will NEVER be happy with ANY government. Not today, not tomorrow. Not ever.
Pakistanis (like the Americans) are individualists, freedom-loving, government-hating.
You can either have peace (like India) or freedom (like Pakistan). You can NOT have both.
Wassalam.
Pakistan is “America” of Asia.
At least Pakistan is “America” of the Muslim world.
yes sure the dubai walas are thrilled with red carpet and garlands on seeing the green passport of their pak brother
Thanks Abbas Sahib and W A A
Living outside Pakistan, it is easy for us the underestimate the problems people are facing on a daily basis. Long queues outside gas stations, power failures, armed robberies, mobile snatching, traffic jams. water shortages, terrorism are a few problems people face almost daily. The US dollar after remaining steady for almost eight years, suddenly climbed from Rs. 60 to Rs. 98. Things have become so expensive.
Lets pray for all Pakistani’s, all Muslims and in general all the mankind Allah SWT created. May Allah give peace and prosperity to all, Aamin.
You mean to say that both Americans and Pakistanis are ungovernable trigger happy cowboys at heart. May be you are right.
lol…most insightful commentary of whole long march episode—kudos!
NFP, Sir, I am from India; really outstanding.
Why does NFP need to drag IK into this. He acted wisely and stayed away from this mess. I guess he is just jealous of Imran’s street power. NFP keep supporitng corrupt PPP and MQM until this country is no more.
Arif,
This “BULBULA” called Imran Khan is about to burst any moment. Don’t tie your hopes with him.
IK is not a “bulbula”, but a “zalzala” instead. He will lead pakistan to its glorious destiny of being a truly Islamic welfare state, which every other contry in the world will follow and try to emulate.
Imran has a past of successes unlike others and we considering him a hope, all others has been tried
This ‘popularity’ of IK is just a by-product of the frustration of the people of Pakistan who are looking for a 3rd option.
What my shallow-thinking fellow Pakistanis fail to realize is that IK is not the 3rd option, but he is part of the well ‘established’ 1st option.
Perhaps this is the reason we are suffering today, because we dont like good people. We have been ruled by people who have deceived us time again and again, but we still love them and if there is a good person, we call him a bulbula, Taliban Khan, Yahoodi etc etc… Who are we to pass judgements like that.Before we say anything we should look inside us what have we done for Pakistan, I can guarantee all of us on this Forum collectively havent done anything close to what imran Khan has done for his country. I am not saying he is the best, but he is better than millions, atleast he says he feels for you and wants to do something for you, let him do what he say and give him a chance and then see if he stand upto what he says, if he fails then you have all the right to criticize him, and call him what you like because he has broken your trust, but not before that. I am not blind fan of Imran Khan, but i feel he is probably the honest of all our politicians. May be he will deliver what he says. Also one request, nothing to do with Imran Khan, please DO Not make judgements about someone when you havent seen that with eyes, because if thats wrong that is Buhtaan and you all know how big of a sin is that. After Allah and His Rasool PBUH, On this earth the most dearest to me is my Pakistan, I wish and hope before i die i see a happy and prosperous pakistan. I request all brothers and sisters to do something for Pakistan, whatever you think is good but do, and make sure you do it for the sake of Pakistan not your personal interest. May Allah help us, guide us and show us the right path and Save our Pakistan from bad people. Ameen
Good one ! loved it. This Qadri is nothing but a real joker.
this is one hilarious of a writing….thumbs up NFP!
Ahhhhh………………….and that sums up a week in politics in Pakistan!
You are a notch above Art Buchwald . Wish you good health and a long life.
Fantastic and very humorous…
The Classic line I enjoyed most is the juicy observation that the Supreme Court is running out of Prime Ministers to fire. Keep up with your piercing remarks.
And PPP cannot find a person among its Parliamentarians, who is not involved in corruption, so that he may be made a PM.
Nadeem sahab, please write such humorous pieces for India as well. Its a pity we don’t have someone like you here – believe me, we desperately need it!
we have Faking News
And Manas Chakravarty as ‘Loose Cannon’ on HT On Sundays.
ditto
Sudeep Kanjilal: Namaste
A Pakistani writing such stuff on India will have 34 thumbs down, 1 up, rather than 34 up, 1 down.
The same for an Indian making fun of Pakistan. That is reality.
It will have to take an Indian to laugh at himself. But likelihood of that happening is infinitesimal.
As I said again and again, in our souls India is a Democracy (rule of the moneyed male Demos), Pakistan is a Republic (rule of the public). Never mind the republic in India’s official name.
Therefore, India has peace, Pakistan has freedom, and the price of freedom is peace. Are you willing to pay the price? I doubt it.
To each his own.
Best wishes
“India has peace, Pakistan has freedom, and the price of freedom is peace. Are you willing to pay the price? I doubt it.”
What does that even mean??
we also do not have a news paper like Dawn! the ToI is toilet paper… and IE is sold out to the UPA (I & II)…
thumbs up sir …really good (Y)
Simply Beautiful!! You are very Funny NFP!!!!! More Power to You!!!!
Pakistani people have different set of rules for western countries and for the Pakistan . For instance , they love to live and raise there families in antiislamic society. But it will kill them if goverment remove censor from YouTube in Pakistan.
Don’t blame politician . People are pathetic, standing out side in cold and rain .
Hypocracy exists everywhere – Pakistan is not an exception. It is, however, difficult for people to change and seek high moral ground in a country that is run by leaders and role models that are absolutely the scum of the earth – no exception.
Saeed Sahib: AOA
“.. they love to live and raise there families in antiislamic society ..”
Maybe, but Muslims here are not raising families in an anti-Islamic way.
Muslims come here to Canada, US, Finland, Brazil for the land, not the existing society or social system. Few get involved in anything beyond survival, growth, and evolution.
Brazilians may think that Brazil belongs to them, and America to Americans, but we Muslims believe that the whole universe belongs to us.
We do not owe any favour to our host societies. “ye in kay baap ki zameen naheen hay”, and we are not living on their handouts, but sweat of our brow.
We see opportunity here. Soon, all this land will be here because the locals are not having children, and are disappearing from earth. Jesus said that the meek shall inherit the earth – they do, and not these arrogant boasters who have wreaked havoc around the earth for the last 500 years.
Wassalam
Using your logic, Americans too believes that the whole world belongs to them that is why they are all over the map. This should not be a problem to you or any other muslim countries. Ye in kay baap ke zameen naheen!!!! Cheers
Indeed that is true.
And that is not necessarily bad unless it turns to Imperialism, which it does under the Republicans.
Under the Democrats, we have Kennedy’s Peace Corps.
America, like Pakistan has welcomed refugees from other Muslim countries.
Thank you for letting me know that Pakistan has accepted the Rohingyas from Myanmar and 300,000 Biharis from Bangladesh.
Such great thoughts, mr torronto. kudos to you. I strongly believe in all your wise opinions.
[23:1] Believers shall eventually win through.
what the heck
Saeed Saheb, you must pause before you make such sweeping generalisation.
Tomorrow President Barak Obama is going to take his oath of office for the 2nd term.
Amazing that within 150 years of ending Slavery,and just 50 years since the end of Segregation,USA has elected and reelected a black man to be the President of the United States of America. This man holds the most powerful office in the world and yet he cannot use his middle name Hussain. Do people have “different set of rules” ?
Tailpiece: Only Rush Limbaugh regularly calls him by his middle name!
Tariq Sahib: AOA
What is Islam today? Hanafi Islam? Barelvi Islam? Deobandi Islam? Shafai Islam? Hanbali Islam? Wahabbi Islam? Jafri Islam? Ahmedi Islam?
I no longer call myself a “Muslim”. I prefer to be called a Mohammedan.