Hey Auntie,

I am a 30-year-old married woman, married for 10 years ago and have two children. My husband is eight years older than me and he is a businessman. My problem is that I am on very bad terms with my husband. It’s not that we fight, but we’re too distant and don’t talk to each other much. He’s lost in his own world and doesn’t give me time, attention or importance. I try to communicate but whenever I ask him something, he doesn’t reply or gives a very rude answer. It’s been four years since things started going bad in our relationship. I have communicated to him many times that his behaviour is affecting me, but he gives me lame justifications.

I have tried everything to make my relationship better. I tried to dress up well and tried to take care of him and his family; I give him space and, but nothing seems to work. I don’t even remember when was the last time we actually talked to each other. He doesn’t even take me out; when he does he sits like a statue and doesn’t speak. I tried to focus on myself and enjoy my own life with my friends and children, but it worked only temporarily. After all living in one house you can’t do that. If I expect that he at least say hello to me and asks how I am doing, is it too much to expect? I have done everything and now I need your help.

By the way my marriage wasn’t an arranged one. We were neighbours and my husband liked me and sent me a proposal. I also want to add that I can’t even work because my children are too young.

Trying

Dear Wife,

You and your husband need to see a counsellor and get help for your marriage. Before you do that however, you need to understand a few things about men. The way most men grow up, they are conditioned to be uncommunicative about their problems and feelings. They are taught that ‘real men,’ don’t talk about feelings. On the other hand a lot of women feel that the only way to connect with others is to talk and communicate.

Talking about feelings works with women, it soothes them, but it’s not usually a male thing. Try forgetting everything you have read about how talking improves male-female relationships….that’s just a myth. For men it can be downright uncomfortable and makes them want to run away. Does that sound like your husband?

So here goes a micro crash course in men: A man usually suffers when he feels that he hasn’t lived up to your expectations. If you constantly make him feel that he doesn’t communicate enough with you, you are not solving the problem, but making it worse by making him feel inadequate about his communication skills. Think carefully about all your actions. Where is it that you deliberately or unwittingly make him feel that he is not good enough? Be aware of this. In fact, more than communication the one thing that will really help your relationship is empathy. Try to see things from your husband’s point of view for a few days and see if it makes a difference.

Auntie’s answer is completely inadequate in the face of the minefield of male-female relationships and to really sort out your issues, you need to book an appointment with a counsellor.

Dear Auntie Malka

I am a 20-year-old girl. I have a friend who is really getting on my nerves. She is always competing with me over silly things like who is better off and who is better looking. She also competes with me over who I know. If I am invited to a party, she manipulates the situation so that she also gets invited to the party. Also she behaves as if she knows everything and whatever I know is wrong. If someone gives me attention, she tries to get that person’s attention also but at the same time she treats that person very superficially. Many times I find that she treats me superficially also and I am really getting sick of it.

Sick

Dear Friend

You shouldn’t call this woman a friend. A friend is someone you like. If she is getting on your nerves and being a know-it-all, do you honestly think you like her? And if she is constantly trying to make you feel small, do you really think she likes you? A friend should be someone you should be able to trust. If your ‘friend’ trusted you, would she compete with you over party invites and looks? And can you trust someone who you know only competes with you? Finally a friend is someone you should be able to respect. Do you truly believe that someone who treats you so superficially respects you? Ask yourself with an honest heart, do you — who is so tuned in to her flaws — respect her?

This woman is not a friend and the sooner you accept this, the better.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com