The caretaker PM addresses the nation
I have received a telephone call from the Chief Election Commissioner Mr Fakirudin G Abraham (aka FakirooBhai) that your humble servant has been appointed the caretaker prime minister of Pakistan.
Some wise dog once said, “every dog has his day”, and it seems that my day has finally come. So firstly, I greet the nation with a hearty woof woof! I understand that my appointment is in recognition of my valiant fight and victory against the terrorist-controlled pye-dogs that had attacked me at Seaview beach. A full account of the grisly encounter is available here.
Following the Clinton police station’s inaction, I filed for suo motto action against the attack dogs in the Supreme Court. I understand that the chief justice, after reviewing my request, spoke to the powers that be and recommended my name as the perfect candidate for caretaker PM. In his eyes, I fulfilled the single most important criterion required for the position – the candidate had to be insane.
I am greatly honoured by this appointment and would like to thank the former President Mr Ausaf Ali Zorrdari, the former lame duck Prime Minister Mr Raju Rent All and the eminent politician from Punjab Mr NawasihNihari, President of the Pakistan Muslim Food League (N) for their generosity and their love of dogs.
My dear people of Pakistan, as your newly-appointed caretaker PM, I promise to take good care of you. I am sure you, the great nation, are aware of the saying: “God helps those who help themselves.” So naturally, my first step will be to help myself from the state treasury and leave God almighty to fulfill his part of the promise, helping me to accumulate more.
But worry not, my people; I have a policy in place to help you. The inspiration for this policy comes from Mr Ibrahim Lankan, the great former president of the United States of Lanka. He said, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for the country.”
As you well know, whenever the country has tried to do anything for you it has just increased your suffering and misery. It is high time that you be asked to do something for your country. Remember the time when you were exhorted to make a nuclear bomb even if in doing so you had to eat grass? You did eat grass and we did get a bomb.
Unfortunately, you ate up all the grass in order to make the bomb and our sound environmental policies prohibit you from eating leaves now because green leaves are an important source of oxygen. I have, therefore, ordered the formation of a crack team of scientists to work on turning garbage into food. We have adopted the maxim, “Eat garbage – ten thousand flies cannot be wrong.” Mr Waqar Khan, the inventor of the water car, will be the chief scientist and the Chairman of the PCSIR and the National Science Foundation will be the members of the steering committee for the project.
With the food problem solved, we now need to fill the coffers of the treasury to ensure the continued financing of under-development projects. Today, I announce that every person in Pakistan will make a contribution to the “Pakistan Chalao Fund” as per the following formula:
N = number of rooms in a house
(N-1) x 12 thousand rupees a month will be levied annually on every person
So, for those who have just one room will pay no “special tax”, but the rich with tens of rooms will have to pay through their noses!
My second major announcement today is the formation of a caretaker cabinet. It is a cabinet that has been chosen strictly on merit. I present to you the members with their respective ministries and the basis for their selection:
Minister of Foreign Affairs: Ms Irtiza Rubab aka Meera
The three most important qualifications for the Foreign Minister of Pakistan are: pleasant looks, ability to act according to the situation and say nothing of any consequence. It is not the business of the foreign ministry to run foreign policy; this job is the responsibility of our armed forces.
Minister of Defence: Ms Henna Rabani Scud
Having dazzled the world as Pakistan’s foreign minister, Ms Scud will take over the reigns of the defence ministry. The media of our arch-enemy India has already declared her as Pakistan’s “real nuclear weapon”. In case additional forces need to be commandeered to protect our homeland, she can call upon her famous and brave uncle, Mr Khaar aka the loin of Punjab.
Minister of Interior: Maulana Tehrirul Qadri
Maulana is a sworn enemy of all politicians dead or alive and thus is the ideal man to keep the caretaker government impartial in the matter of keeping politicians out of politics. Also, his introduction of the bullet-proof container has firmly established him as an expert on security. I fully endorse his plan to provide a bullet-proof container to every citizen of Pakistan to protect his or her lives.
Minister of Finance: BhaiDavid Ibrahim, currently head of D Company
Mr Ibrahim is a tremendously creative and dynamic individual who is a shining example of from rags to riches. Mr Ibrahim, originally an Indian citizen, was granted Pakistani citizenship due to his selfless services to Pakistan. If there is one person in Pakistan who can recover taxes and unpaid power and gas bills, it is Mr Ibrahim. Mr Ibrahim has kindly declined to take any salary for his services to his adopted country.
Minister of Education: Mr Lahm Raeesani
Mr Raeesani’s commitment to education is unparalleled in the history of Pakistan. His famous words, “A degree is a degree, whether bogus or real” are fit to be written in letters made of gold on the building of the Higher Education Commission.
Minister of Labour: Raju Rent All
Raju Sahib has shown great compassion for Pakistani labour by ordering withdrawal of murder case against the owners of Ali Industries of Baldia Town, Karachi. I would expect that following the European Union’s strong resolution to bring the culprits to justice, garments exports from Pakistan will be banned and eventually all the factories will be closed. And with the factories all closed, all the workers will be perfectly safe.
Minister of Water and Power: Chacha Nawab Din
Chacha Nawab Din, a resident of a katchi abadi in Karachi, has not received any power or water for the thirty years that he has lived in the area. He, therefore, has a very high degree of motivation to solve the problems of water and power in Pakistan.
Minister of Health: To be announced
Sadly, the gentleman I had picked to fill this position died yesterday due to the progressive failure of his lungs, kidneys, liver and finally his heart. The deceased had expert knowledge of all the ailments known to man as he himself suffered from them.
Minister of Religious Affairs: Meena Malik
If humans were made of fire, Ms Malik would be an active volcano. If she cannot put the retrograde clerics in their place no one in Pakistan can. Also, her appointment will greatly help our relations with India. She recently brought much love and fame in India to our intelligence agency by tattooing the letters ISI on her pristine body. I understand that even the great poet Ghalib was besotted by her and had expressed his appreciation thus:
Go haath mein jumbish nahi, aankoon mein tu dam hey
Rahney do abhi Meena Malik ko meray agay
Minister of Tourism and Culture: Mullah Omar
This may seem a rather startling appointment but no one else has better knowledge of the scenic parts of Pakistan like the north and the southwest. I see tourists coming to Pakistan in hordes for a visit to our deep caves and secret mountain passes.
Minister of Overseas Pakistan: Alltuff Hussain
Mr Hussain has been living abroad for the past 15 years, making him well-suited for the position. He will be instrumental in attracting overseas Pakistanis to return and invest in Pakistan, particularly in Karachi.
Minister of Women’s Affairs: Ms MashallahTariq
This formidable lady has a firm grip on women’s affairs. “Mashallah, khudanazar e baadseybachaey” [may God protect her from the evil eye], that is all I can say.
Minister of Sports: Mr Mahir Couchwala
Mahir Couchwala is an avid sports fan. He watches sports all day sitting on his couch. He is also an expert commentator on sports as varied as cricket, football, hockey, baseball, kabaddi, tennis and ladies mud wrestling. He has been so devoted to developing an expertise in sports that he has never found the time to step out and actually play.
As you well know the mandate of the care taker government is to do nothing. So, in line with the Constitution I am going off to sleep with my cell phone switched off. I have instructed my cabinet to do the same.
Good night and good luck!
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.