The caretaker PM addresses the nation
My dear countrymen, countrywomen, city-men, city-women, cat-women, bat-men, dogs and cats.
I have received a telephone call from the Chief Election Commissioner Mr Fakirudin G Abraham (aka FakirooBhai) that your humble servant has been appointed the caretaker prime minister of Pakistan.
Some wise dog once said, “every dog has his day”, and it seems that my day has finally come. So firstly, I greet the nation with a hearty woof woof! I understand that my appointment is in recognition of my valiant fight and victory against the terrorist-controlled pye-dogs that had attacked me at Seaview beach. A full account of the grisly encounter is available here.
Following the Clinton police station’s inaction, I filed for suo motto action against the attack dogs in the Supreme Court. I understand that the chief justice, after reviewing my request, spoke to the powers that be and recommended my name as the perfect candidate for caretaker PM. In his eyes, I fulfilled the single most important criterion required for the position – the candidate had to be insane.
I am greatly honoured by this appointment and would like to thank the former President Mr Ausaf Ali Zorrdari, the former lame duck Prime Minister Mr Raju Rent All and the eminent politician from Punjab Mr NawasihNihari, President of the Pakistan Muslim Food League (N) for their generosity and their love of dogs.
My dear people of Pakistan, as your newly-appointed caretaker PM, I promise to take good care of you. I am sure you, the great nation, are aware of the saying: “God helps those who help themselves.” So naturally, my first step will be to help myself from the state treasury and leave God almighty to fulfill his part of the promise, helping me to accumulate more.
But worry not, my people; I have a policy in place to help you. The inspiration for this policy comes from Mr Ibrahim Lankan, the great former president of the United States of Lanka. He said, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for the country.”
As you well know, whenever the country has tried to do anything for you it has just increased your suffering and misery. It is high time that you be asked to do something for your country. Remember the time when you were exhorted to make a nuclear bomb even if in doing so you had to eat grass? You did eat grass and we did get a bomb.
Unfortunately, you ate up all the grass in order to make the bomb and our sound environmental policies prohibit you from eating leaves now because green leaves are an important source of oxygen. I have, therefore, ordered the formation of a crack team of scientists to work on turning garbage into food. We have adopted the maxim, “Eat garbage – ten thousand flies cannot be wrong.” Mr Waqar Khan, the inventor of the water car, will be the chief scientist and the Chairman of the PCSIR and the National Science Foundation will be the members of the steering committee for the project.
With the food problem solved, we now need to fill the coffers of the treasury to ensure the continued financing of under-development projects. Today, I announce that every person in Pakistan will make a contribution to the “Pakistan Chalao Fund” as per the following formula:
N = number of rooms in a house
(N-1) x 12 thousand rupees a month will be levied annually on every person
So, for those who have just one room will pay no “special tax”, but the rich with tens of rooms will have to pay through their noses!
My second major announcement today is the formation of a caretaker cabinet. It is a cabinet that has been chosen strictly on merit. I present to you the members with their respective ministries and the basis for their selection:
Minister of Foreign Affairs: Ms Irtiza Rubab aka Meera
The three most important qualifications for the Foreign Minister of Pakistan are: pleasant looks, ability to act according to the situation and say nothing of any consequence. It is not the business of the foreign ministry to run foreign policy; this job is the responsibility of our armed forces.
Minister of Defence: Ms Henna Rabani Scud
Having dazzled the world as Pakistan’s foreign minister, Ms Scud will take over the reigns of the defence ministry. The media of our arch-enemy India has already declared her as Pakistan’s “real nuclear weapon”. In case additional forces need to be commandeered to protect our homeland, she can call upon her famous and brave uncle, Mr Khaar aka the loin of Punjab.
Minister of Interior: Maulana Tehrirul Qadri
Maulana is a sworn enemy of all politicians dead or alive and thus is the ideal man to keep the caretaker government impartial in the matter of keeping politicians out of politics. Also, his introduction of the bullet-proof container has firmly established him as an expert on security. I fully endorse his plan to provide a bullet-proof container to every citizen of Pakistan to protect his or her lives.
Minister of Finance: BhaiDavid Ibrahim, currently head of D Company
Mr Ibrahim is a tremendously creative and dynamic individual who is a shining example of from rags to riches. Mr Ibrahim, originally an Indian citizen, was granted Pakistani citizenship due to his selfless services to Pakistan. If there is one person in Pakistan who can recover taxes and unpaid power and gas bills, it is Mr Ibrahim. Mr Ibrahim has kindly declined to take any salary for his services to his adopted country.
Minister of Education: Mr Lahm Raeesani
Mr Raeesani’s commitment to education is unparalleled in the history of Pakistan. His famous words, “A degree is a degree, whether bogus or real” are fit to be written in letters made of gold on the building of the Higher Education Commission.
Minister of Labour: Raju Rent All
Raju Sahib has shown great compassion for Pakistani labour by ordering withdrawal of murder case against the owners of Ali Industries of Baldia Town, Karachi. I would expect that following the European Union’s strong resolution to bring the culprits to justice, garments exports from Pakistan will be banned and eventually all the factories will be closed. And with the factories all closed, all the workers will be perfectly safe.
Minister of Water and Power: Chacha Nawab Din
Chacha Nawab Din, a resident of a katchi abadi in Karachi, has not received any power or water for the thirty years that he has lived in the area. He, therefore, has a very high degree of motivation to solve the problems of water and power in Pakistan.
Minister of Health: To be announced
Sadly, the gentleman I had picked to fill this position died yesterday due to the progressive failure of his lungs, kidneys, liver and finally his heart. The deceased had expert knowledge of all the ailments known to man as he himself suffered from them.
Minister of Religious Affairs: Meena Malik
If humans were made of fire, Ms Malik would be an active volcano. If she cannot put the retrograde clerics in their place no one in Pakistan can. Also, her appointment will greatly help our relations with India. She recently brought much love and fame in India to our intelligence agency by tattooing the letters ISI on her pristine body. I understand that even the great poet Ghalib was besotted by her and had expressed his appreciation thus:
Go haath mein jumbish nahi, aankoon mein tu dam hey
Rahney do abhi Meena Malik ko meray agay
Minister of Tourism and Culture: Mullah Omar
This may seem a rather startling appointment but no one else has better knowledge of the scenic parts of Pakistan like the north and the southwest. I see tourists coming to Pakistan in hordes for a visit to our deep caves and secret mountain passes.
Minister of Overseas Pakistan: Alltuff Hussain
Mr Hussain has been living abroad for the past 15 years, making him well-suited for the position. He will be instrumental in attracting overseas Pakistanis to return and invest in Pakistan, particularly in Karachi.
Minister of Women’s Affairs: Ms MashallahTariq
This formidable lady has a firm grip on women’s affairs. “Mashallah, khudanazar e baadseybachaey” [may God protect her from the evil eye], that is all I can say.
Minister of Sports: Mr Mahir Couchwala
Mahir Couchwala is an avid sports fan. He watches sports all day sitting on his couch. He is also an expert commentator on sports as varied as cricket, football, hockey, baseball, kabaddi, tennis and ladies mud wrestling. He has been so devoted to developing an expertise in sports that he has never found the time to step out and actually play.
As you well know the mandate of the care taker government is to do nothing. So, in line with the Constitution I am going off to sleep with my cell phone switched off. I have instructed my cabinet to do the same.
Good night and good luck!
Pakistan Zindabad!
The author is an engineer turned part-time journalist who likes to hang out at unfashionable places like shrines, railway stations and bus stops.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
This is the first in Pakistani history that PM has chosen right cabinet
Very funny, bravo Walker Ahmed.
Awesome and matchless. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
Rehman Malik should be the next PM of Pakistan
Rubbish, try to be funny with foul language and disgrace. Don’t waste other people time. My advice stop writing do something positive. My humbe advice to dawn maintain your qualitative edge do not allow every Tom, dick and Harry to write for your paper.
Mr. Khan, have you heard a word ‘sarcasm’? Most likely, not! This article is so great that it in order to understand and appretiate it, a person should have just a little common sense. It must have gone over your meagre head.Thus the critism.
Not used to your version of common sense, size of the head does not matter you need brains, not sure about you if you have one.
Well-said bro! He has badly failed in his attempt to be funny..
Yes Mr PM.
A lighthearted, comical look at the rotten politics of Pakistan. Mr. Vaqar has indeed got a good hang of the pulse of the public by hanging out at shrines, railway stations and bus stops. By the way, American President who said “Ask not what your country can do for you…” was not Abraham Lincoln, but John F. Kennedy.
The aristocrat, the rich and the successful group of people wants to preserve the pride of their wealth and ownership of businesses in the country. They contribute to the economic well being of Pakistan. They pay taxes to the government and donate to society. They expect the Constitution to defend their rightful way of life as wealth people. The ordinary, the religious and the minority group of people are contented with their life. They do not need wealth to bring happiness in their life. Their pride of joy of their sons and the pearl of beauty of their daughters would be sufficient for their contentment of their life. They smile with pride and gladness when their children succeed in life as adults. When it is time for them to go, they rest in peace. The poor and the homeless people only have dignity to live in a life as an unspoken, an unheard and an unseen group of people.
All of them are telling the Constitution to let them live a normal life. A normal life free from destruction, violence, fighting, conflict and death. All of them may or may not elect the right or correct candidates to represent them in government. Corrupted government representatives will ruin the integrity and accountability of an effective and efficient government. When corruption takes root in the government, the representatives focus their effort and their energy to stea money silently and directly from the government and the people.
The foundation of the Constitution needs to have basic laws and legislation to stamp out lawful, legitimate and legal forms of corruption. The foundation of the Constitution also has to maintain compliance of rules and regulation from the people. This is to maintain law and order. To maintain law and order is the right, the role and the responsibility of the police. The police uses the authority and the power given by the laws and legislation of the Constitution to educate people about compliance, enforce on people who refuses to comply and arrest people who persistently refuse to comply. The policemen has to be adequately paid a salary to compensate for their actions of education, enforcement and the job hazard of arresting people. They can be killed for arresting people.
Will corruption take place in the police? When someone gives you money freely for something in return; would you accept it? It is yes, when you always desire for money. It is yes when you regularly are desperately for money. It is yes when you are always in need of money. You are given a choice of the principle of integrity versus the lure of money. What is your choice?
The Constitution needs to have laws and legislation to enforce the principle of integrity over the lure of money. This can only be achieved by the firm fundamentals of an effective and efficient economy and the financial system of the government. To do that, government ministers and members of Parliament have to focus their energy and effort in this direction. In turn, the government ministers and ministers of Parliament has to be sufficiently paid to compensate for their diligent and dedicated mental energy and effort.
The Dawood bit is hilarious…
NFP’ism is spreading, first Sabir now Vaqar; gud (y)…
Low class satire.
I wanted to laugh, but couldn’t.
One say, and soon, this will be our actual line-up.
Ha ha ha….sorry, but the Loin of Punjab has to go to the other side. Can’t concede it to you !
interesting post awesome Vaqar
Better than Paracha, I would say. Keep it coming.
Now I will question that. Not even close to Sabir Nazar or Abroo.
Agreed. NFP tops my charts as well. He’s the pioneer of the new-wave of Pakistani political and social satire and still going strong.
Sorry I thought it flopped.
i just dont know what will happen to my holy country. future is not looking good for us. and our children. where will our children go what will they learn from all these.
Mirror Mirror on the wall………
Brilliant! Specially liked Mr. Dawood Ibrahim’s ability to collect payments !!
The american president was, Mr. Junaid Kabaadi who said, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for the country.”
Pakistani caretaker Prime Minister asked his fellow countrymen, “Ask not what you can do for your country – ask why other countries are not doing enough for you”
AWesome sarcasm!!!
Do you really think it is time for being sarcastic? People are dying left and right and we have time for humors. Indeed we are insensitive. Hum haien mustak wo hein bezar ya elahi ye majra kia he. (It isn’t that they can’t see the solution. It is that they can’t see the problem.)
hahahahhaa wonderful effort…btw i expected this kind of article from NFP
Trying to be Funny….but at the cost of national grace.
Watch Indians and their intolerance for criticism….right or wrong!
Late Bhutto had selected one Ghanchi!….So why india left herself behing….Modi…Ghanchi be PM
Beautiful, beautiful and beautiful. Well said and to the point!!
Who will protect us. Where is RM 007 and MF Diesel. How could you miss two important portfolios of interior and petroleum ministry?
simply hilarious….lol