Kill the call
Hello viewers, welcome to another episode of ‘The Fundo Foodie.’ Yes, my cooking show is just like most other cooking shows in Pakistan where chefs share very Arabic sounding thoughts on faith with recipes of some very French sounding dishes.
So my dear ummahs and ummies, let’s start today’s show with a valuable spiritual tip: After a hearty meal, make sure you don’t burp more than three times. Three burps are not only good for your gastro health but your spiritual health as well.
Here, see: Burp! Burp! Burp! Do you see a burst of faint bright light emitting from my mouth and surrounding my head with a donut-shaped halo?
Once you have achieved this, decorate the halo with your choice of cream and bite it – but not more than thrice, okay?
Here, see: Bite! Bite! Bite! Mmmm … tastes like heaven.
Of course, to the unbelievers I might as well be jumping and biting thin air, but what do these misguided souls know. My advice: Kill them.
Now that we have spiritually prepared ourselves to cook a meal and book a place for ourselves at the grand dinner table in Paradise, let me share with you a very special recipe: Lashkar-e-Biryani.
This mouth-watering and bloodletting dish was first introduced in our Cholesterol Sey Paak Republic some 15 years ago by some deeply faithful chefs incensed by Muslims who were burping more than thrice and had no choice but to eat either Secular Paloa or Kafiri Koftay.
So dear viewers, every time you order food from a take-out or at a restaurant, make sure to ask about the faith and sect of the cook, as well as of the food.
‘Is this keema Shia or Sunni?’ ‘What about the carrot? Deobandi or Barelvi?’ ‘And this egg. Is it from a Muslim chicken or a Hindu one?’ Things like that.
This is the best way to gain the favor (and flavor) of true faith. And remember: Three burps. Not more, not less. Burp! Burp! Burp!
Let’s start now and cook some Lashkar-e-Biryani.
This is what you’ll need:
1 kilo Middle Eastern rice drenched in crude oil;
½ kilo meat from the rump of a cow suffering from the mad cow disease;
4 tablespoons of khaki biryani masala;
Two sticks of dynamite.
Put the rice, meat, masala and nuts in a strategically placed cooking bowl over the two dynamite sticks. Light the fuse of the sticks after shouting ‘Death to infidels!’
Wait for the explosion. Boom! Cough, cough, cough … the … the … biryani .. is … cough, cough … ready.
Yes, I know my body has separated from my head, but, dear ummahs and ummies, think about my soul. Yes, it’s gone to heaven.
Now, if you can follow where my head is, and if I can find at least one of my hands … there. There it is. Oh, that’s the producer’s hand? Sorry. There, that’s mine. It has a halo around the pinkie finger.
See viewers, how delicious the biryani looks. Mmmm …
Thud! Never mind that. That’s just the cameraman’s left leg falling off. He’s feeling particularly spiritual.
So, let’s take your calls now. Hello?
Hello, I am great fan of show of you.
Well, thank you. Did you enjoy today’s recipe?
Yes, enjoy blast now I blast too.
Great! But remember: Three burps. Burp! Burp! Burp! Okay?
Okay yes now I go blast infidels with biryani clean Bakistan of bad sects and sex agents of America, Jew, Hindu, eggs, carrots, keema …
Beautiful. Good luck. Next caller. Hello?
Caller, us Muslims shouldn’t say hello. It’s very Christian.
But you said hello first.
Hmmm … are you sure?
Yes, I am.
Are you by any chance a non-Muslim?
No, I’m Muslim.
Are you sure?
Yes, very sure.
Then why did you say hello?
You said it first.
Hmmm … is your name by any chance Donald or Dev or …
No, my name is Ahmed!
No, Ahmed …
… Kill the call, kill the call! Next caller, please. Hello, I mean, al-hello!
I have a question, chef sahib.
Yes, please ask.
What if after a meal one burps more than thrice?
That’s a great sin, Miss.
I’m not a Miss., I’m a Mister.
You sound like a Miss. Are you by any chance … not straight?
Yes. Are you not normal, manly, faithful and three-burp-strong?
Well, I …
Kill the call, kill the call! Next caller. Al-hello!
I blast man back.
Well, al-hello again.
I make biryani and kill many infidels with food poisoning.
Did they enjoy the biryani?
I enjoy, they die.
Good. Did it fill you up enough?
I don’t knows, reallys.
What do you mean?
My body back in restaurant. My head here.
But your soul in Paradise, friend.
Yes. Burp, burp, burp … burp!
That’s four burps!
Yes, I …
Kill the call, kill the call!
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.