Jokes

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

*****

Once upon a time, there was a policeman that saw a man sitting in a car with a tiger sitting next to him. The police officer said, “It’s against the law to have a tiger in your car. Take him to the zoo.” The next day the police officer saw the same man in the same car with the same tiger. The police officer said, “I thought I told you to take that tiger to the zoo.” The man replied, “I did. He liked it. Now we’re going to the beach.”

*****

There were three tomatoes, a mom, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, “Ketchup, son”.

*****

One day at school, Moira is talking to her best friend Tara. “Tara, have you heard the joke about the garbage truck?” “No I haven’t,” replies Tara. “Don’t worry,” continues Moira, “it’s only a load of rubbish.”

*****

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. Therefore, she almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She somehow managed to keep her cool as they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the correct feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. Then he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up all of her remaining grace and courage to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.”

— Compiled by The Surfer