DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.

In September 2012, a 15-year-old school girl from Pakistan’s Swat valley was reported to have been shot in the face and head by a Taliban activist.

The attack caused outrage around the world and the news was given widespread coverage in the local and international media.

Malala was reported to have barely survived after doctors in Pakistan and then England performed multiple surgeries on her face and head.

Today Malala lives in the UK and has repeatedly vowed to continue working for the cause of women’s education in Pakistan, especially in those areas of the country where extremists and militant outfits are said to have been blowing up girls’ schools.

But this is just one side of the whole story. The narrative about what really happened on the day Malala was allegedly shot has mostly been weaved by the Western media.

In April this year, Dawn.com sent a group of its most seasoned reporters to Swat to undertake an intensive five-month investigation of the event. Their collective findings unearthed a series of some stunning disclosures (with evidence) that are bound to affectively challenge the mainstream narrative of the Malala story.

The following are the major findings of the investigation:

• Malala was not born in Swat and neither is she a Pushtun. A respected medical doctor in Swat, Imtiaz Ali Khanzai, who runs a private hospital and clinic in Swat told our reporters that he has a DNA report that proves that Malala is not Pushtun.

Showing us the report, he said he extracted Malala’s DNA when as a child she visited his clinic (with her parents) complaining of an earache.

“After she was supposedly shot last year, I remembered I had a bottle where I had kept some of her earwax,” the doctor explained. “Collecting earwax of my patients is a hobby of mine,” he added.

He went on to claim that according to the DNA, Malala is a Caucasian, most probably from Poland.

After the discovery, the doctor called Malala’s father and told him that he knew who Malala was. “

“He was stunned and began to stutter,” the doctor said. “He pleaded that I did not make my findings public. I told him I wouldn’t but only if he told me the whole truth.”

Malala’s father told the doctor that Malala’s real name was Jane and she was born in Hungary in 1997. Her real biological parents were Christian missionaries who, after traveling to Swat in 2002, left Malala as a gift to her adopted parents after they secretly converted to Christianity.

Dr. Khanzai’s DNA extraction kit

When our reporters asked the doctor why he was revealing Malala’s real identity now, he said he was convinced that Malala was planted in Swat by anti-Pakistan elements.

He then added that he can also prove that the young man who shot her was not a Pushtun either. “I have his earwax as well,’ he claimed.

After extracting the DNA of the shooter’s earwax, the doctor discovered that he was probably from Italy. He then invited our reporters to look at the man’s earwax under a microscope.

“Those tiny yellow bits that you see in the wax are bits of pizza,” he explained.

The doctor told us that in January 2012 he emailed his findings to some senior members of Pakistan’s intelligence agency, the ISI.

After a few days his clinic was raided by the police. He was in Saudi Arabia at the time collecting earwax samples of some members of the Saudi royal family. His staff at the clinic was harassed by the police who wanted to know where he kept the earwax samples.

Pizza?

In June this year, the doctor was visited by a young ISI officer who apologised to him about the police raid and told him that the ISI were well aware of Malala’s real identity. After much coaxing on our part, the doctor eventually gave us the cell phone number of the ISI officer.

However, the officer kept refusing to talk to us but finally relented on the condition that we refer to him as ‘Master X’.

Master X met one of our reporters at an abandoned girls’ school in lower Swat. To hide his face, the officer wore a Spiderman mask.

Talking to the reporter he said: “This had to come out one day. And I just couldn’t let myself continue to keep such a dangerous secret hidden. I am a true patriot.”

He then added: ‘My father once told me, ‘Peter, with great power comes great responsibility’.’

The officer

His revelations led us to our next shocking discovery (with evidence):

• Malala’s shooting was staged by intelligence agencies. The officer told the reporter that the whole shooting incident was a stunt planned by Pakistani and US agencies to pave the way for the Pakistani army’s invasion of North Waziristan: “It was all a drama,” he explained. “It was staged so the Pakistan army would have an excuse to invade North Waziristan.”

When asked why he was using the word ‘invasion’ when North Waziristan was a part of Pakistan, the officer replied: “North Waziristan is an autonomous Islamic Emirates. It has been like that for centuries. But our history books distort the facts and teach our children that it is part of Pakistan. The area has unimaginable amounts of oil, gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds, gas and fossilised dinosaur remains underneath its rugged grounds. That’s what the Americans are after.”

Our reporter then asked whether he had any evidence to prove his claim.

The officer pulled out a few photographs and showed it to the reporter. The photographs showed a few bones. “Dinosaur bones,” he explained.

He added: “These were excavated in North Waziristan by the archaeology division of the Taliban. After they were studied by the geology division of the Taliban, it had traces of oil, gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds and gas.”

One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan.

What about the evidence proving that the shooting was staged by American and Pakistani agencies?

Pulling out a piece of paper, the officer said: “This is the evidence. It was decoded by the Taliban’s division of quantum physics.”

The paper had screen shots of a brief exchange of tweets on Twitter between one ‘Lib Fish’ and ‘Oil Gul.’

The officer said that Lib Fish was actually a CIA operative based in Qatar and Oil Gul was an ISI sleuth on Twitter based in Lahore. The exchange was intercepted and decoded by one ‘Tsunami Mommy’ who is based in Swabi in the Khyber Pakhtunkwa province in Pakistan and is an engineer by profession.

We are publishing the Twitter exchange between Lib Fish and Oil Gul that was provided to us by the officer:

@LibFish Yo, @OilGul, how goes life?

@OilGul Life’s kool, mate.

@LibFish @OilGul Any chance of visiting Qatar soon?

@OilGul @LibFish Haha. Soon after I’m done with my O level exams. They suck.

@LibFish @OilGul Haha. Yea, they do, don’t they?

The officer told us that Tsunami Mommy jumped in after he realised what was taking place:

@Tsunami_Mommy Agents! I know what you two do. Anti-Islam anti-Pakistan bastaaas. @OilGul @LibFish

@OilGul Dude, who are you? Why are you trolling us?

@Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli …

The officer said he used famous Pakistani linguist and WW-II code-breaker, Mustansar Hussain Tarar, to decode the suspicious Twitter exchange and that is when he discovered that the CIA and the ISI were planning the fake shooting.

He also gave the reporter the manuscript of the book that Tsunami Mommy was writing on the shooting after piecing together the evidence (with evidence) provided by the doctor, the officer and Mustansar Hussain Tarar.

The book’s title will be ‘A Fake Shooting of a Fake Liberal by a Fake Liberal, You Bastaaas.’

Below is the brief summary of what the manuscript claims:

October 1, 1997: Malala is born to Hungarian parents in Budapest and named Jane.

October 4, 2002: The parents are recruited by the CIA and given a crash course in evangelical Christianity, hypnosis and karate.

October 7, 2003: They land in Pakistan and head for Swat posing as NGO workers. They get in touch with a low-level ISI agent, and convert the family to Christianity, leaving Jane with him. He changes her name to Malala and instils in her the fear of Jesus.

October 30, 2007: Malala starts to write a blog that asks the militants of Swat to put down their weapons, pick up a Bible and boogie.

October 21, 2011: The militants request her to stop writing her evangelical blogs and finish her homework instead.

October 1, 2012: CIA recruits a Pashtu speaking Italian-American loner (Robert) living in New York and gives him a crash course in gun-slinging and acting.

October 7, 2012: CIA shares plan of Malala’s fake shooting with the ISI. The ISI agrees and gives Malala and her parents a briefing.

October 11, 2012: The Italian-America arrives in Swat posing as an Uzbek homeopath.

The fake gunman moments before taking a flight to Pakistan.

October 12, 2012: Robert is given a gun that is loaded with blanks. He intercepts Malala’s school van and fires blanks at her. She pretends to be hit and squeeze opens a small pack of Mitchel’s Tomato Ketchup she is hiding in one of her hands and rubs the ketchup all over her face. A fake ambulance suddenly arrives on the scene and takes away Malala. The world is told that she was shot in the face and head by a Taliban fanatic.

The story that ran in the media quoted Malala’s friends in the van saying that the gunman asked for Malala and then shot her.

But the officer shared with us the testimony of one of Malala’s friends that was repressed by vested interests in the media.

According to the testimony, a man stopped the van and shouted (in Pashtu), ‘who is Jane … I mean, Jeanette … no, Alberta Joan Lucas?’

The girls looked at each other in confusion and the driver was about to drive away when the gunman pulled out a gun and started to shout: ‘Uno momento, un momento …’

Then looking at a girl he asked: ‘You lookin’ at me?’ At which Malala threw down her school bag and shouted (in Italian): ‘No you idiot, I AM lookin’ at you. Malala, Malala, remember? Fool.’

Saying, ‘Oh,’ he shot her (with the blanks).

• The girl that the media was shown in the hospital was not Malala. The officer shared with us some photographs to prove this. He first showed us a video (on his iPhone) that he shot hours after the shooting. It shows Malala joyfully bungee jumping on the hills near River Swat.

Malala bungee jumping hours after she was allegedly ‘shot.’

Then the officer informed us that the doctor had the earwax samples of the girl in the hospital. When we contacted the doctor again and asked what the samples proved he said that the DNA he extracted from the sample suggests that the girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow.

He said he had managed to sneak into the operating room (posing as a postman) and while he was secretly drawing out earwax from the girl’s ears, he managed to take a picture of the girl with his Nokia phone.

‘I came back and was shocked when I enlarged the picture,’ he said.

He then gave us a printout of the picture …

We believe there is now enough evidence for Pakistan and the international community to have a serious re-look at the Malala story and demand that the United Nations orders a full investigation into the matter.

—DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.