It’s March already and the weather in Pakistan, instead of getting warmer, is still chilly.

This is quite unprecedented. Of course, as usual, the weather experts have all those typical explanations to offer, mentioning high pressure there that generated cold winds here, and all that.

But the truth lies somewhere else. A truth many already know about and have written extensively on.

It is HAARP! The United States’ High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program – an ionosphere research programme jointly funded by the US Air Force and Navy, the US Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency, University of Alaska and the Kilingon High Command.

A dissident American scientist, Dr Chandra Naomi, studying the effects of HAARP on the environment.

Yes, the same programme that caused the 2005 Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the 2011 Japanese earthquake, the 2013 Hurricane Sandy, and the 2014 PTI Tsunami.

Before you dismiss me as being some kind of a conspiracy nut, consider this: It was people like me who were the first to suggest that there were rogue American agents roaming the streets of Pakistan; that the CIA was recruiting polio workers in Waziristan; and that the earth was actually flat and hollow.

An image from the Hubble Space Telescope that NASA doesn’t want the world to see.

People laughed at people like me, but not all people, only people serving the interests of people trying to break up Pakistan and its people, and turn them all from being true keepers of the faith to becoming liberal scum. So you see, people, what kind of people I am talking about, even though you are not that kind of people, are you, people?

Now also consider this: I have on purpose used the word people over and over again in the preceding paragraph. Count the times I have used this word. Nine times. Now divide nine with 777 and then multiply the resultant number with 365 and you’ll get the figure of 666. If you didn’t get this number then you are liberal scum.

If you did, then welcome to reality. And that is: Satan is in control of the United Nations!

An old file photo of the current Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon. In his youth he was said to be a member of a secret South Korean death cult called the Knights of The Dark Church of Sulu.

I’m sure some of you must be squirming and itching to ridicule me, but remember it was me who first suggested that the CIA was using fake polio vaccination campaigns in Fata to gather intelligence in the area; and that Misbahul Haq was working against the interests of Pakistan cricket; and that man never walked on the moon (it was all an elaborate hoax).

It is a conspiracy to label men like me as conspiracy nuts because the powers that be want to hide the truth from the masses; a truth, rather truths, that can expose the large, all-encompassing conspiracies that the powers that be are conspiring to implement for world domination through so-called elected governments, the media and microscopic implants in our heads entrenched there by the powers that be through multinational corporations, NGOs and Dr Pervez Hoodbhoy.

And did I mention all this was being done by the powers that be? I did. Thrice. Now multiply three by five then divide it by two; multiply the resultant number with six, then divide by nine and add 77. You’ll get 666 again. So, there.

Make sure to use a Chinese calculator to calculate the equation that I have just demonstrated, because a calculator made by a western company is bound to explode.

The powers that be will then blame the explosion on the Taliban who really do not exist, but when they do exist they are actually a race of Reptilian people working for Ban Ki-moon to balkanise Pakistan and sell the country’s faithful people as slaves to the unfaithful makers of a certain brand of fruit juices on the island of Atlantis that does not exist in the Atlantic Ocean but somewhere in the Arabian Sea.

I know this because I can speak and understand Arabic fluently.

Waves from the Arabian Sea hit the coast of Karachi. The sound they make is distinctively Arabic.

In fact, all Pakistanis should be able to understand and speak Arabic fluently. It is a conspiracy by the powers that be that, instead of Arabic, Pakistanis were made to learn to speak alien languages, such as Urdu, Punjabi, Sindhi, Balochi, Pashto and Saraiki.

That’s why I only write in Arabic. It is just the powers that be at Dawn that have brainwashed you to see and read this particular article in English. Look closely, and you’ll see. Concentrate on the waves shown above. Habibi haya, haya, habibi haya haya …

Very good.

The alien languages were taught to us by tyrants who ruled over us before Mamu bin Qasim came to our rescue in 711 AD and created Pakistan.

But now look what the liberal scum want to do. They want to rearrange our history textbooks and fill them up with lies like Qasim was not the first Pakistani and that Jinnah smoked cigars.

But thanks to the support and backing of renowned scholars, profound intellectuals and wily googly bowlers such as Dr Orya Bin Jan, Allama Ahmed Shehzad and Austin Powers, the people of Pakistan are waking up to the deep conspiracies being hatched by the powers that be to discredit Pakistan and make Switzerland’s Francophile Vatican-backed banking system to continue funding Pakistani Freemasons and make decent Pakistani women pose indecently on the covers of Anglo-Indian-Angelo-Mathews fashion magazines.

A decent Pakistani who was forced to model indecently on the cover of an Indian fashion magazine.

Dear brethren (and sisterren who became brethren), in this day and age of utter chaos and confusion in our faithful republic, it is the duty of patriots to continue informing their young compatriots as to why this country was formed.

There is so much these days out there in the electronic media and the cyber world about Pakistan, but unfortunately a lot of it is squarely aimed at confusing our young generations and to make them rebel against their land’s ideology.

Dear compatriots, I must remind you that Pakistan came into being, fusst of all and foremost, to challenge the hegemony of the West, especially Greece.

To quote our great leader, Mamu Qasim: ‘Religion is the business of the state and business is gooood!’

I have been privy to certain documents that include some pages from the diary of former Pakistani Prime Minister, Liaquat Ali Khan. This is what he wrote when he was being asked to strike an alliance with Greece in 1951. He writes:

‘Some agents of the West in the Pakistani bureaucracy are asking me to make fraaaandship with Greece. But I am not going to make fraaandship with Greece. I will expose these agents. I will save the faithful republic. But fusst, I go to Yemen.’

We all know what happened to Liaquat Ali Khan Sahib. He was shot at a rally in Rawalpindi, apparently by a disgruntled Pakhtun.

This is true, but what is not known is the fact that the shooter was not actually Pakhtun but a white redneck Greek posing as a disgruntled Pakhtun.

Famous intellectual, Dr Orya Bin Jan, whose exhaustive research proved that the Greeks have been plotting against Pakistan ever since 367 BC.

Dear fraands, now I would like to jump directly to what is perhaps the greatest moment in our history: The coming into power of General Ziaul Haq in 1977.

There is so much negative propaganda against Ziaul Haq today.

The truth is, Zia was a humble and pious moustachioed man who simply defended Pakistan’s status as the last great bastion of undeterred faith.

After coming into power through a highly popular and peaceful military coup, he told the then young Hamid Gul: ‘I am a humble and pious moustachioed man who has simply defended Pakistan’s status as the last great PlayStation ® of faith.’

He told this to Gul in fluent Arabic and Gul felt as if a powerful wave from the Arabian Sea had struck him in the face. It is said that after hearing this, Gul Sahib ran out and single-handedly flogged over a hundred foolish opponents of Zia in public.

A foolish opponent of Zia getting some sense knocked into him.

It is a misconception that Zia Sahib entered the Afghan Civil War against the atheist Soviet Union on the behest of Christian Greece. Gul told me that right after the Russians invaded Afghanistan, Zia, along with the time’s largest and most popular party in the whole wide world, the Jamat-i-islami (JI), at once drew an elaborate plan to construct a world caliphate by going to war against the Soviet Union.

This, they rightly felt would draw Greece into the war. After defeating the Soviets with the Greek's help, Zia planned to turn his guns on Christian Greece and defeat it too.

For this, Zia began preparing armies of humble, pious moustachioed men. Yes, the same ones whom we now call extremists and terrorists. What a sad state of affairs. What outrage!

The humble, pious moustachioed man. What a guy.

Zia turned Pakistan into a pious and moustachioed PlayStation ® of faith where every individual was a pious man. Even the women became men (and pious) and this is how he defeated the Soviet Union, piously.

But, alas, just as he was about to activate the second part of his elaborate and ingenious plan by starting a war against Greece, a traitor broke wind.

That’s how Greece got wind of Zia’s plan and unleashed its agents, Asif Ali Zardari and Mian Nawaz Sharif who conspired with Swiss Banks and the juice-makers from Atlantis and Nana Patekar to bring down the Qatari camel that Zia was jockeying on 17th August, 1988.

Just before Zia set off on that fateful journey, he told Gul: ‘I am a humble and pious moustachioed man. Yesterday when I said this to some of my colleagues, one of them broke wind. I asked who was it, and he said, it wasn’t him, but now I believe it was some kind of a coded message to my enemies.’

Gul started shedding tears of anger and is said to have ran out (in slow-motion) and single-handedly flogged over a hundred people just for the heck of it.

With the tragic demise of Zia, we once again became slaves of Christian Greece.

Dear bros and ISIS, Greece and its agents in the Pakistani media are winning the propaganda war in which they are portraying liberation fighters as terrorists; when the truth is, it is these humble, pious moustachioed men, and women who have become men, that are our best men (and women who’ve become men), to one day help us liberate Afghanistan, Kashmir, Chechnya, Bosnia, Iraq, Lebanon and Trinidad.

And finally, dear brethren and sisteren and fraands and all, here’s another truth that will shock you: The forces that our trying to demonise the humble, pious moustachioed men (and women who have become men) in our dear republic, are the same forces that are overblowing India’s so-called rape issue.

Yes, India is our enemy, but the present Indian government led by Nintendo Modi is at least true to India’s majority faith, Yoga.

The West does not want South Asian powers to succeed.

It all began with the release of a Hollywood film called ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ which showed India to be a land, not of Yoga and Yogis, but of slums and poverty. I mistakenly saw the film thinking it was a special episode of Kon Baney Ga Karorpati.

Though much of the Western media still shows India as a shining example of Yoga power, some media outlets (funded by gay rights organisations in Canada and Lady Gaga) have started to portray India to be a poverty-stricken country plagued by rape. What outrage! What lies!

Have they forgotten the fact that the Indian civilisation produced spaceships, rockets, microwave ovens and iPods millions of years ago?

That a civilisation which was performing appendix operations long before men in the West even knew that there was something called an appendix in the human body?

A civilisation that trillions of years ago was trading spices with the dinosaurs?

Indian PM Nintendo Modi in a helmet that was first worn by an ancient Indian astronaut millions of years ago. What a guy.

Yes, India is our enemy, but its people are our South Asian brethren and sisteren. They are becoming just like us. In fact they are better, because unlike us, they have actually elected guys whom the West misleadingly calls bigots. Time we elected our own as well.

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