From Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif

Dear patriots and patwaris,

Assalamualaikum. Full stop. New para.

I take this asparagus … err … aus … aus… auspicious occasion to greet you all a very hefty … err … happy Eid. Mubarak.

New Para. Dear patriots and patwaris, this year, my government completed its second year in power and as you can see, mashallah, cucumbers … err … nothing en .. en … encumbers the economic progress of the country because all imported mints … err … imp … imp … impediments are being successfully removed, inshallah, mahshallah, alhamdulillah, excreta. New para.

Dear compatriots ... this Eid is a special Eid. Why? Because, my government has finally bought economic prostate artistry … err.. pros … Prosperity … and peace through many effective mangroves … errm … mangos … err … manoeuvres. Full stop.

No new para. So end of massage … err … message … excreta.

From Asif Ali Zardari

Dear Jiyalas and Jiyalees, both genuine and jaalis,

Eid Mubarak to you all from the bastion of our party’s struggle against economic exploitation, injustice and intolerance: Dubai.

Seven years ago, our party lost a great leader and I took over the reins of the party to make sure that it survives and continues to thrive as Pakistan’s largest democratic party.

I led it to victory across Pakistan in 2008, then across Sindh in 2013, and rest assured, I will now lead it to victory across Larkana and Dadu in the 2018 elections.

Dear Jiaylas and Jiyalees, our party is going through some tough times just because it stands for serving the interests of the peasants and the working-classes for whom our selfless ministers in Sindh have been amassing millions of rupees through some ingenious ways and deals. But, alas, the establishment is casting a suspicious eye on us, calling us incompetent and corrupt.

The tragic thing is that now even my own son, Bilawal, has begun to point fingers at us, but what does he know about the poor peasants and working class folks that we serve! Folks like Pir Saheb of Naudero, Sain Maulabakhsh Wadero, Seth Chachar Chandio and so many otherso. Agreeo? Goodo.

Dear friends and members of the party, I urge you all to celebrate this Eid with the peasants and the working-class folk. And for those coming to visit me at my humble mud abode in Dubai, just wanted to inform you that the Dubai Mall is having a great Eid sale. So come on over, and we’ll both shop for the happiness of the toiling masses. Eid khapay!

From Imran Khan

Oyyye my inquilaabian insaafians,

Eid Mubarak! As I dictate this message to Arif Alvi, some fans are photographing me saying my Eid prayers so they can spread these photos across the internet on Eid day just as they do photographs of me saying all my other prayers! I am very pious, oooyyye!

My message is that on Chaand Raat, look closely at the moon. Look at all the craters on it. Count these craters. Last year, I counted 35. Now I can see 71! Jahangir saheb told me these craters were created by Najam Sethi in collaboration with the famous CIA astronaut and PML-N patwari, Neil Armstrong. It is these craters that stole our mandate in Punjab!

So oyyye Armstrong! When I come to power, I will hang you at the Imran Khan Enclosure at the Gaddafi Stadium to the funky music of DJ Butt!

So rejoice, my inquilaabian insafians, Eid aa nahi rahi. Eid aa gai hai!

♪♫ Jab aye ga Imran, barhay gi shaan, baney ga naya Pakistan, baney ga naya Pakistan … ♪♫

Okay. Now back to praying pose.

From Altaf Hussain

‘Brothers … (15-minute gap) … and sisters… (18-minute gap) … a very … (17-minute gap) … happy Eid …. (18-minute gap) … But …. (21-minute gap) … what was I saying?’

(Reminded by party leaders: ‘Bhai, you were giving us your Eid message …’)

‘Haan … yes … Eid … sweet Eid … like gulab jaman … (14-minute gap) … Eid … Gulab Jaman … Nirala Sweets … Lahore … Punjab …. Eid and … … (line breaks) … toot, toot, toot …’

(Connection restored): So … Rangers …. Disconnecting my line … but … (19 minute gap) … but, brothers and sisters …. But …. (20 minute gap) … but what?

(Reminded by party leaders: ‘Bhai, but we will stay strong…’)

Yes … this Eid … strong Eid … sweet Eid … Sweet pumpkin … Pumpkin meaning kaddu … pumpkin meaning?

(‘Kaddu, bhai, kaddu’)

Haan … kaddu. This Eid, I will resign.

(‘No, bhai no, you can’t, who will lead us?’)

Kaddu! I have made up my mind … I will resign!

(‘No, bhai, no, you can’t’)

Okay … I won’t. I take my resignation back. My Eid message to my supporters is … (17 minutes gap) … that … (14 minutes gap) … where … (50 minutes gap) … where …

(‘What is the message, bhai?’)

Where is my Eidi?

From Junaid Jamshed

How wonderful it is to look at the Eid moon. But dear brethren and sisteren and sisteren who became brethren, have you ever wondered what lies between your eyes and the Eid moon? There are millions of miles of sinful dust, clouds and space between you and the moon.

So, my fellow brethren and sisteren and sisteren who became brethren, I offer you special 100 per cent Shariah-compliant lenses! You can place them on your eyeballs and then look at the Eid moon without being contaminated and corrupted by all that sinful dust.

Place your order now! Call 111-KON-BANAY-GA-JJ. Remember, brethren and sisteren and sisteren who became brethren: You pay, I pray!

Also, brethren, please don’t allow the sisteren to drive. It’s a sin. Send them to my driving school in London where we teach the sisteren to unlearn their driving skills. This Eid I am offering up to 50 per cent discount! Eid Mubarak.

From Hamza Ali Abbasi (on Facebook)

Dear fraands,

First of all a very happy Eid and second of all screw those who don’t like my ideas and thoughts and third of all Imran Khan Zindabad and fourth of all we need to stand up to the cruel and corrupt leaders and fifth of all do watch my special Eid play on HumTV and seventh of all report to PTI’s moral steering committee anyone you think is gay.

Fraands, this Eid, to show how aware I am to the plight of the poor in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Myanmar and Bhutan, I have decided not to get my Eid haircut from Nabila or Tariq Amin and instead get one from their assistants.

Secondly, I will be donating over 1,000 empty plastic Pepsi bottles to old women who have never seen a light bulb in their lives. Yes, fraands, both Pepsi and I believe there are still such people in our beloved country, so I appeal to you, this Eid, donate empty bottles to those who have never ever in their lives seen a light bulb. This way more and more people will buy Pepsi and defeat the malicious designs of Coca-Cola that is owned by Zionists and anti-Pakistan elements, and, of course, gays.

I know I will again be criticised for speaking my mind, but I damn care because I only care for beloved country, faith, future, light camera action!

Fraands, Romans, countrymen and petite models, lastly but not leastly, thank you for your support, prayers and kisses – even though I have reported the men who sent the kisses.