The biggest fallacy about marriage is that you ‘have’ to ‘love’ your in-laws. It’s an unfair expectation.

Dear Auntie,

I am a student in Paris and life is pretty cool. I’m visiting places, making new friends and having a great time. I will go back to Pakistan after completing my studies in two years and will settle there. I am 27 years old. My parents think that I should marry. They are looking for a match for me and I am wondering whether I should marry now or complete my studies first? Personally I want to complete the studies first, but I don’t have a huge objection to marrying now.
Your Fan

Dear Air-Conditioner,

Definitely complete your studies and put marriage plans to simmer. Holy matrimony will completely overhaul your life, and utterly distract you from your studies. Trying to complete your degree and thrashing it out with a new person (it can feel like work!) has been done before, but is only worth it if it is done for a very good reason. You don’t seem to have one, and can surely talk the parents out of the match hunt.

Dear Auntie

I have never believed in the notion that people click. I believe that all relationships have to be worked on, but now I am in a situation where I have to build a relationship and I don’t feel like it! After much resistance I said yes to a proposal. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, but I am not comfortable with the guy. He rarely calls but when he does I don’t feel like talking to him. He is trying to get to know me but I keep pushing him away. I can’t bring myself to liking him.
Aghast

Dear Calmed,

Are you engaged to this guy because he is the only one who came along? Are you doing it to please your parents? Or because the clock was ticking?

Jaan, we don’t become lifelong best friends with just anyone who sits next to us in kindergarten. We don’t become bosom buddies with the woman who sits in the left cubicle at work. We certainly cannot love everyone we are related to or become fans of the first show that comes on the box. Similarly, you cannot marry just anyone who happened to come along.

Auntie doesn’t believe in clicks either, but she does believe in flickers. Say a definitive ‘No’ to your parents and extricate yourself from this mess. Your family and all involved will probably get very angry, but how will they argue with a ‘no’? They won’t. Do it now.

Dear Auntabehen,I am 23 years old, female, average looking, and am ready to tie the knot. Rishtey aatey hain per baat nahin bunti. What should I do?

Waiting
Behna,

You are still too young to be talking like a has-been. I sense a lack of self-esteem when you mention that you are average looking. You are not a potato waiting to be spotted at the sabzi mandi. Nor are you a begum hunting for the right aubergine to put into her aloo baingan. Its living, breathing people we are talking about.

Stop moaning and waiting for rishtas to fall off the thela and into your basket. You need to start loving yourself, being yourself and living your life to the fullest. Experience all that you can (get that job/go feed the crocs at Manghopir) and allow yourself to follow your interests (learn to play the tabla/start that research on the neighbour’s love life). The rishta may not happen as you imagine, but when it does, it will feel right.

Dear Auntie,

I’ve been married for the past three years, but they feel like 20 because of my mother-in-law. She is a work of art. She stores all sorts of junk, from empty bottles to leftover cloth pieces to expired medicines. She even collects stuff off the street! In a temper she says the most hurtful things. She’s obsessed about not spending money and loves to criticise me. She and my father-in-law fight all the time. This is having a bad effect on my two-year old. She has every quality that I detest in people!I know she’s too old to change but I can’t bring myself to "loving" her. My husband isn’t much help since she frequently taunts him about me or our daughter. I’m going mad and can’t keep venting on my husband.
Punished

Dear Relieved,

The biggest fallacy about marriage is that you ‘have’ to ‘love’ your in-laws. It’s an unfair expectation. So a good starting point is to stop expecting your ma-in-law to be your mother.

You are living with someone with extreme behaviour, and behaving as if it’s normal. Stop doing that. If they scream in front of your child, remove her from there, and if you can, tell them (politely!) why.

As for all the stuff the ma-in-law hoards and the ‘paisa’ pinching, it’s her house and her money. If she will take kindly to therapy, get her some, but control only that which is actually under your control. So keep your space clutter free and spend your money as you see fit, without apologies. Get a life so you don’t obsess about the expired medication (it’s not going down your throat!) or the half a yard of lawn that might come in handy (you don’t have to wear it!). Take your daughter for play dates or just to meet up with pals, and if he seems open to the idea, convince the husband to move out. n

Auntie will not reply to any letter personally, so stop asking! Send your problems to: auntieagni@gmail.com
 
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