Running around in circles with no definite aim in mind — now that sounds a lot like the activity in many offices.

Faster. Higher. Stronger. This noble motto may serve Olympians very well, but for those seeking their laurels in the corporate arena, slyer, smarter, nastier may be the words to live by.

Because, after all, life in the professional jungle is every bit as challenging as an Olympic marathon and winning here is more a matter of survival than of mere prestige.

Which is not to say every one of your colleagues is out for your blood! Of course not. They are out for your designation, your corner cubicle and your parking space. The competition is fierce and the competitors are not bound by any rules of fair play — remember, they don’t call it the rat race for nothing. Which begs the question: why just rats? Oh sure, these furry rodents have never managed to worm their way into our affection the way their cousin, the mouse has — think Mickey and Stuart Little — and may deserve every nasty epithet you can think of, but the race for professional recognition is an all inclusive event, open to all types and species.

In fact, some people may liken it to the famous Caucus-race, described in Lewis Carroll’s classic Alice in Wonderland where creatures of every description, even those long extinct, take part with great enthusiasm.

‘First it (the Dodo) marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle (“the exact shape doesn’t matter,” it said), and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there. There was no “One, two, three but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over.’

Hmm, running around in circles with no definite aim in mind — now that sounds a lot like the activity in many offices. Of course, the trick is to keep moving at top speed — it makes people think you actually know where you are going.

But coming back to the participants, take a look at who you’ll be running against.

Faithful Fido
This seemingly adorable bloodhound is not even trying to get ahead of you — he’s more interested in dogging your footsteps. Lest you think it’s out of affection, be warned: he’s not just his master’s voice; he’s his eyes and ears as well. He takes note of the exact number of paperclips you use everyday, the number of extra seconds you stretch your coffee break and the total duration of your phone calls. After all, why bother running the race when it’s so much easier to win by tripping up the competitor.

Pretty Polly
You’ll be enchanted by her bright, artless chatter until you realise that she doesn’t just perch on the office grapevine, she is the office grapevine. Which doesn’t harm her popularity, because let’s face it, who doesn’t like a bit of gossip with their 11 o’clock tea? Problem is parrots are very good at remembering and repeating what others say. So unless you want the boss to know exactly how big an idiot you think he is keep your beak shut when she’s around.

MCP
For the uninitiated that’s Male Chauvinist Pig; the type of man who became obsolete in 1901 but hasn’t heard the news yet. You will find him in most offices, making disgruntled remarks about his female colleagues or, alternately, trying to draw them into a discussion on the ‘woman’s role’, but unless he’s your boss — in which case why are you still working for him? — he’s too lazy, too complacent and mainly, too dumb, to be any competition for you at all.

Copycat
She positively purrs every time she sees you, offers to make your coffee and run your errands. How can you help liking her? Soon she will become your confidante and your sounding board; you’ll spend hours discussing your ideas and running your concepts by her. Until, that is, those same ideas get presented to the management under her name. Tsk tsk, you will need to be a lot more careful who you talk to if you want to get anywhere in this race.

Chief Rat
He’s not running the race, he’s busy fixing it. After all, it’s he who calls the shots and has everyone running to his bidding. Now, this is not to say that every boss is a rat (after all, my boss is going to read this too); some are actually human. But to come back to the rodent, his race is more of an obstacle course and he gets his kicks from watching you stumble.

Unless of course you’re his pet employee for the week — in that case you get to watch the race with him, sharing his chunk of cheese. But beware: his list of favourites can change quicker than a political party’s affiliation and you could find yourself running a long race on a short pier before you know it.

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list — in fact, it’s just a short sample. But you get the idea; now all you need is to get some training in stepping over people, stabbing them in the back and running them down in front of the boss. Remember, survival is only for the fittest.