June 05, 2008

Single women face a number of problems, the worst of these is the attitude of society at large and the family in particular, writes Rizwana Naqvi

Women in our society are ascribed certain roles no matter what strata they belong to. They are expected to get married, have children and look after the household, irrespective of their educational level and career aspirations. However, in some sections of society, women’s career aspirations are allowed to flourish if they can maintain a balance between work, family life and domestic responsibilities, while in others they are either not allowed to pursue a career at all, or just follow it until they get married.

We have no relevant data to determine the number of women who are leading a life of singlehood but one thing is certain: few women in our part of the world choose to remain single. Most single women are either widows or divorced or those who failed to get married due to some reason, though the number of those choosing to remain single is increasing with the changing trends in society.

Married women, especially with a job and children, may envy the apparently carefree life of single women who do not have to manage a home, look after the children and pamper a husband, but that does not mean that all single women are living a luxurious and carefree life. Single women face a variety of problems, some common amongst all women and some unique to their category. The worst of these is the attitude of society at large and the woman’s family in particular.

Nasreen, in her forties, is now living alone and works at a bank. She is the eldest of her siblings and, when her father died while she was doing her graduation, she found herself a job in order to support the family, as her brothers were quite young. She felt it was her responsibility to ensure that her brothers received proper education and her sisters got married. Hence she refused all proposals that came her way, though her mother tried her best to convince her to settle down. Her only response was that she would marry once her brothers and sisters were settled. “If I marry now who is going to look after their education and well-being?” was always her argument.

But after marriage both the brothers moved out, leaving Nasreen with her mother. By this time Nasreen had turned 40 and, according to our society’s standards, passed the marriage age. Since her mother’s death, a year ago, she has been living alone. Her siblings care little for her despite what she did for them. “We didn’t ask her to make any sacrifices; it was her choice,” is what, according to her, her siblings say. One would find this to be very ungrateful of her siblings but if we look around us we will find many Nasreens.

Shaheen, also in her 40s, chose to pursue her career, but for a different reason. She wanted to enjoy her life and do something worthwhile before tying the knot. She was happy that her parents understood her passion and gave her the freedom that she needed. After some years, when she was in her late 30s and started thinking of settling down, she discovered it was a bit too late. Our society considers girls above 30 to be over-aged when it comes to marriage. She, however, had no regrets and continued to dedicate herself to her career, telling her parents that she would get married if and when she found the right person.

Unfortunately, in spite of her positive attitude, she has to face many problems – mainly stemming from the attitude of the society; people automatically assume that she must have some shortcoming due to which she couldn’t get married. The only proposals she got after 35 were from widowed men or divorcees with grown up children. Well-wishing friends and relatives try to pair her up with whoever they find, irrespective of the differences between the two.

“I hate it when people suggest prospective men who are either my father’s age or otherwise totally incompatible. Why can’t they just leave me to live my life?” she asks in despair. One aunt even suggested wazifa and ammal to her mother so she could find a husband for Shaheen.

When a woman is single her life and marriage becomes everybody’s concern. They want to fix her up with someone or the other. Everybody starts asking if she has found someone yet or when she is going to invite friends over for the big occasion. As soon as a single woman past the age of 30 enters a room, all conversation suddenly turns to the topic of marriage and people start discussing the blessings of marriage, and names of prospective suitors are dropped; single men (and even the married ones) often feel that if a woman is single she is fair game.

Shaheen got so frustrated with people constantly discussing her single status and making suggestions, that at one point she stopped going to all functions. She was content with her life and felt no desire to meet people who were not ready to accept her right to choose her lifestyle.

But her tale is comparatively better than that of some others. At least she has a supportive family. Those who could not get married due to either financial problems (as their parents were unable to provide huge dowries) or for some other reason, are often considered a burden on the family and are treated as if it was their fault that they could not find a husband. Some women have also faced situations where people cast aspersions on their character, as if they couldn’t find a respectable rishta because they were of loose morals, especially if the woman is a bit outgoing and liberal. Such women are often taken advantage of and have a hard time fending off unwanted attention.

It is not unusual to meet people who have bushels of advice for single women. A woman in her late 30s was horrified when a senior colleague, while trying to convince her to get married, pointed out that “it is important for a normal life”. What’s abnormal about being single, she wants to know. Most ridiculous was the experience of one woman who had been ignoring suggestive remarks by colleagues, when one colleague suggested that she better get married as her namaz-i-janaza (funeral prayer) would not be valid if she died an unmarried woman!

Tania had often encountered people who tried to convince her to someone to tie the knot with. She had learnt to brush these people aside with a laugh or ask them why she should sacrifice her independence. But she was mortified when a ‘friend’ said that marriage is something natural and girls who do not think this way are either lesbians or have boyfriends.

It is strange that when a marriage ends in divorce no one blames the man, rather all fingers point towards the wife. No matter how bad the husband may have been, he is always pitied that the wife could not fulfil the marriage vows and opted to walk out, even though the husband may have thrown her out of the house. When a divorced woman, especially if she had chosen to end the marriage, returns to her parents’ house, she is often not welcomed. With the passage of time she is made to believe that she is a burden on the family and that it would have been better if she had tried to make the marriage work.

Sometimes the criticism is so sharp that she opts to live alone. But that is more difficult a task. She becomes the object of everyone’s concern and everybody considers it his/her responsibility to pass comments about her morals and to try to convince her to go back to her home.

“No woman wants to break her marriage and leave her home,” says Sheela, a divorced mother of two. “But often the circumstances are such that it becomes impossible to continue the relationship. We know that we would have to face the whole world and be blamed for the break up, but when life becomes hell, who cares about such things?”

The worst problems are faced by women living alone with children. So often we see women trying to juggle their jobs, homes and children. They have to see that the children perform well at school, have to attend all parent-teacher meetings as well as other functions at school so that the children do not miss the father, have to give paternal love as well as maternal care, earn enough to provide all that the children need as well as give time to the children so that they do not feel neglected and uncared for. If the child fails to perform well in studies, all the blame falls on the poor mother, and if, God forbid, the child lands in some problem or turns out to be a problem child, the poor woman is blamed for either pampering and spoiling the child or neglecting him. Though, even while living with both parents, the mother is the one blamed for every fault of the child, single mothers have a higher standard to meet.

Loneliness is something that most single women face. Many women complain of not having someone to share their minor problems or intimate thoughts; missing out events as they have no one to accompany them or share their passion; or not being invited to many functions and parties that are meant for couples. Those who live alone complain of coming back from work to an empty home/hostel room with no one to ask about their well-being, or having to cook only for themselves. Those who live with their parents or brothers too feel lonely, as brothers have their own lives and families to look after and often cannot give them sufficient time. If they are bold enough to move about alone and independently, they busy themselves in various activities, otherwise TV, books and the Internet become their constant companion.

The problems single women face are innumerable; each woman has a story to tell. Whatever may be the case, the criticism that these women have to face at the hands of society leads to great stress and a number of psychological problems, which may lead to further problems and both mental and physical ill health.

Names have been changed to protect the identity.