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There are those destined to stand in long queues to eat, exactly the way people line up outside CNG stations, every other day. Those who aren’t used to standing in queues fill their car tanks with petrol instead; why waste one’s precious time in these lines? But actually, the same people who try to save time by buying petrol instead of CNG then go on to stand in lines at upscale restaurants, where it’s like a pandemonium as everyone fights over the food. This fighting over food is less common in the more economical restaurants. If one does manage to get a table at an upscale restaurant in Ramazan, they will not be able to afford the time to enjoy it because there’s another party standing in line for your seat. After the meal, the obligatory Facebook update is announced, an availing of a certain deal or Alhamdullilah, gained blessing while enjoying the meal. Those blessed with smartphones can do this right there, with status and photo updates on Facebook. Compliments from every corner of the world begin pouring in barely before they have finished their meal.
What to say of this technological age! A new custom was started at the recent Shab-e-Mairaj. The entire nation sent each other apologetic messages in order to get their sins forgiven from the comfort of their homes. People now hesitate while apologising to each other in person. Apparently, it is now evident from their expressions whether they are genuinely sorry or are silently abusing the other person. Surely, it must be the invention of the marketing and MBA qualified sons of this nation – whose creativity is used by the corporate companies to empty out everyone’s pockets. They managed to enable the entire nation to apologise for their wrongs without being ashamed in the process, and people can now make amends without the pain of shame. A simple message can easily wash off all their sins. People post and share all sorts of things in order to atone for their sins, but now it seems that a person’s direct dialing connection to God has been interrupted. There were already the middlemen: maulvis, pirs, mirs and walis through whom, people must make their contact with God. Now, even mobile companies are about to join the club. In the near future, it would be them, through whom one could expect to be forgiven for one’s sins.
Just before this blessed month begins, Rs 25 would be deducted when you buy credit worth Rs 100 for your prepaid mobile phone. The amount that remains can only be used to apologise. Firstly, one must apologise to this nation for being born here. And then apologise to Mian Sahab, who has already begun to ask the nation to make sacrifices. One wonders when he will be able to make some sacrifices himself.
One must also apologise to suicide bombers who are told from the moment they enter adulthood that all the women on earth, the women of their family, the women on the streets have been deliberately made ugly by God, thus, unworthy of their attentions. In the heavens above, there are the most beautiful hurs waiting for them above after they have gone and blown themselves up. What is so nice about this world anyway? Nothing! Everything good is in the afterlife. There has, however, never been any information about what clothes the hurs would be wearing? If any at all. Will they be wearing designer outfits or will they be covered in burqas and hijabs? Will these hurs have any rights of their own, or will the men continue to rule there too?
They assume responsibility for taking numerous innocent lives by announcing it to the world. Our entire lives, we were told that the One who breathes life into these earthen figurines has the right to take away lives. So who are these people who are disobeying him so blatantly? Only those who have created these ‘non-state actors’ and continue to protect them are the ones who refuse to assume responsibility for this. They draw salaries and other benefits for protecting the common people but refuse to protect them.
The blessings are already in force before the blessed month even begins and will continue as they were after the month has ended. Anyone without these blessings is an infidel and therefore, deserves to be killed, even in the month of blessings. It doesn’t matter if the poor remain unblessed; what is infinitely more important is that the corporate organisations, TV channels, the self-made ulema, maulvis, Umrah tour operators or those in the food products business get all the blessing of the holy month. Technically, less food must be consumed in this blessed month, but the nation likes to enjoy all those tastes that it doesn’t get the rest of the year. Even if the prices skyrocket, the people continue to spend money on all these food items. The nation that can pick stars out of the night sky and present the moon to you on a platter doesn’t really care about the prices now, does it?
Karachi’s largest shopping mall is a source of great pride for us. We feel really proud about taking our guests to visit it. There is barely any space to stand or walk here, while there is also a constant coming and going of cars in the basement parking lot. The sight of these cars makes one so happy to see this specimen of Pakistan’s progress. Sons and daughters of the poor nation can be found here, spending money as if it all grows on trees. It doesn’t matter if all of it has been spent as one can always pick some more money off a tree later. Just outside this shopping mall, some trees were planted in order to make the environment greener. If you ever happen to peek into this clump of trees, you will find groups of drug addicts living under the shade of these trees. As soon as you come out of the mall, this sight is right outside, poking fun at your progress and your wealth.
This nation has too much money to spend, while our government is completely broke. One day, it talks of breaking its begging bowl and the next day, it mends that very shabby bowl and begs for aid again. But it is so full of self-respect that it must obtain aid on its own terms and conditions. Just like that beggar woman from Lucknow who couldn’t eat the zarda she got through charity without the customary condiment of cream, and so went around begging for some cream to go with her zarda. Similarly, our government is planning to arrange for its cream by charging more taxes on our mobile phone credit. The zarda has already been obtained.
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