There are some good children on planet Earth who find it difficult to drive their mums crazy. These children are polite, well-behaved and responsible most of the time.

There are others who have a natural talent for driving any adult, particularly their mums up the wall. Let me give a few tips with those children who are not yet expert in this art. 1. Never do the chores assigned to you properly. When she asks you to watch the baby, start talking with your best friend on the phone. When she asks you to supervise the milk while it is being heated, forget to turn off the stove and let it boil over. And always let the dinner burn. Who wants to eat aloo gosht anyway? 2. Barge into her room in the middle of the night and shake her awake. Tell her that you have totally forgotten to do your Urdu homework and you need her help in using 20 Urdu idioms in sentences. Remember to shed a few fake tears that are needed to melt her heart. 3. Remember that all mums hate to be compared to other mums, so always give examples to your mum. Tell her that your best friend’s mother is very trendy, always impeccably dressed, drives her own car, carries an expensive cell phone and is a divine cook. 4. Keep on asking, “What’s for lunch? What’s for dinner?” and keep turning up your nose at whatever she cooks. Insist on eating pizza every single day. 5. Whenever she goes to the bathroom, bang hard at the door. 6. Use her favourite perfume liberally to freshen up your room. Pretend that you thought it was an air freshener. 7. Use her kohl to draw moustaches on your baby brother’s face. Make sure it is ‘after’ your mum has given him a bath. 8. If she tries to take a nap in the afternoon, tell her all about your day, your friends, schoolwork, homework and tests. Or pick a quarrel with your siblings. 9. In the supermarket, keep pulling her arm and keep on asking, “Can I have this? Can we buy that? I want to have this.” If she scolds or glares at you, sit on the floor and throw a spectacular tantrum. 10. Ask for ice-cream, cold drinks, lollipops, candies and chocolates all the time. When she refuses to buy you all this junk food, tell your grandparents your mum doesn’t give you anything to eat. Bonus tip: Every school day, make sure you don’t get up from bed till the last possible moment and create as much chaos and havoc as possible. Every Sunday, however, be up at dawn, bang the doors and watch TV at full volume. Congratulations! If you have followed these steps diligently, I am sure you have succeeded in your mission to send your mum round in circles. But you must also know that with this success come a few repercussions. For example, you might find yourself grounded for a month… or your entire life. Your privileges might be taken away, your pocket money confiscated, etc. You might also receive a thunderous scolding for being a totally irresponsible, inconsiderate child. You will hate yourself when you will look at her tired and disappointed face and will hate yourself for being such a pain. Whether you decide to mend your ways or continue down this treacherous, self-destructive path is up to you. The power is yours!

Note: Dads are immune to such tricks and you will find yourself in hot waters if you try any such tricks on them.