To, Directorate of Judicial Inquiry Commissions, Ministry of Speedy Justice, Government of Targetistan

Subject: Situation Vacant

Due to the high prevalence of targeted killings, non-targeted killings, honour killings, mass killings (also known as bomb blasts), plain killings, kidnappings for ransom, corruption, treason and other heinous crimes, the Ministry of Speedy Justice is setting up judicial inquiry commissions. Applications are invited for the positions of: Member Judicial Commission – Speedy.

Qualifications required: The applicants must meet the following criteria to be eligible for consideration:

• Of sane mind (Doctor's certificate required)

• Maximum age 90 years but not on life support systems

• Matriculate, securing at least Third Division. (Fake certificate holders may be considered if they show special talents)

• The applicant must have read at least two works by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (featuring Sherlock Holmes) or four works by Ibn-i-Safi (featuring Col. Faridi and Capt. Hameed)

• Female candidates who have read Agatha Christie (Miss Marple series) will be given preference

• Retired police and armed forces officers need not apply

Duties and responsibilities:

Meet with other members of commissions once in six months to thoroughly investigate crimes of serious nature.

Prepare a comprehensive report on the crimes under investigation within 10 years. The report should clearly identify the perpetrators. However, spaces for the names of the perpetrators can be left blank.

A maximum of five agencies or organisations can be identified as the criminal party.

Since brevity is the soul of wit, a section (not more than 100 words) recommending measures for preventing such crimes in the future must be included in the report.

In the interest of peace, harmony and national reconciliation, members of the commission are not allowed to interview police, armed forces, political and religious parties, and the land mafia.

Completed reports will stay strictly confidential and will be immediately moved to the nearest landfill under an armed escort.

Any member attempting to sell the report for re-cycling will be dismissed.

Salary and benefits

Since the members are part of a commission, they will be paid on commission basis. A commission of Rs100,000 will be paid for a completed inquiry report. A bonus of Rs10,000 will be paid if the report is completed before the stipulated period of 10 years.

The following professional material will be supplied to a member free of cost:

• A magnifying glass (superior quality; used by professional detectives)

• Twenty ballpoint pens (15 black, five red), 500 sheets of foolscap lined paper, 100 sheets of carbon paper and one stapler.

• Members are strictly prohibited from using the stationery for their children/grandchildren’s homework.

Procedure of application and recruitment

Applications should be submitted on plain white paper. Printer paper with one side already used is not allowed.

A certificate of good character, authenticated by a halqa head of a local political party must be attached.

The picture on the CNIC must match the candidate's face.

No travel and daily allowance (TA/DA) will be paid to candidates called for interview.

Selected candidates will be informed in two years' time since their applications' submission.