The simultaneous release of 50 Shades of Grey and Roy this Valentine’s Day weekend transformed the day of love into a day of hatred for movies.

While both were awful, they were awful in their own special ways. 50 Shades is so preposterous and such an object of ridicule that it can still be hugely entertaining. The reviews making fun of it are hilarious and wonderful enough to justify its existence. It has also sparked discussions about depictions of BDSM, the glorification of domestic violence, the legitimacy of fan fiction, and the highlighting of female sexuality. Roy, on the other hand, is too boring and tiresome to hate-watch and too pointless to inspire think pieces. It takes itself so seriously that even unintentional laughter is unlikely.

Billed as a romantic thriller, Roy contains neither romance nor thrills. The movie-within-a-movie conceit has no pay off. The film is so thematically confused, disjointed and nonsensical that a single-line summary of the plot is impossible. It has something to do with a movie director (played by Arjun Rampal), the thief he is obsessed with and whose story he’s trying to tell (played by Ranbir Kapoor), and both of their love interests (played by the same actress, Jacqueline Fernandez).

As a writer, I end up watching a lot of movies I would not otherwise choose to see. It has taught me to be patient and understand that "I like/hate it" is not the same as "it is good". I may feel the Roy is hands down the worst movie I've seen this year, but in order to be helpful to readers it is my responsibility to share both the good and bad qualities of the film. Like every other movie, surely Roy must have some redeeming moments. Unfortunately I nodded off so many times I think I missed all those moments.

Luckily, the plodding dialogue has flashes of self awareness. The movie basically reviews itself: the following quotes from the movie should reveal all.

1) "Tumne bataya nehi yahan kya kar rahe ho (Malaysia)"

(You haven't explained what you’re doing in Malaysia)

This question is never answered because the movie knows it has no business being set in Malaysia. The locations are breathtaking but make no sense, just like the rest of the packaging: a gorgeous cast, slick, stylish cinematography and a melodic soundtrack. Beautiful presentation is wasted on shoddy story telling.

Why couldn't she do this on a beach in India? - Photo courtesy: rediff.com

2) "Writers ke barey mai kehte hain unki story parhlo to unko jan jayogey"

(Reading the story someone writes tells you about the writer)

A gazillion fedoras do not a movie make. - Photo courtesy: pinkvilla.com

This line is repeated several times so it seems to be the central thesis of the movie. Rampal's character Kabir over-identifies with his protagonist art thief, Roy. If that means writer-director Vikramjit Singh identifies with Kabir, this does not reflect well on him. Kabir is a pompous narcissist who drinks scotch with exactly 3 cubes of ice, has a collection of fedoras that he pairs with V-neck vests and types his cleverly titled (Guns I, Guns II and Guns III) heist movies on a manual typewriter as jazz plays in the background.

Any attempt to identify with this character rings hollow because of the cold dispassionate way he is depicted. We know he suffers from writers block and deep existential angst but we never get into his head to learn why. His fame, fortune and string of girlfriends don’t look all that bad. Poor Arjun Rampal had to turn off his considerable natural charm to play this insufferable jerk.

3) "When a story is heading in the wrong direction tab usey wahin khatam kar dena chahiye..."

(When a story is heading in the wrong direction it's better to end it there)

We're looking for answers too. - Photo courtesy: filmibeat.com

This is precisely the advice Vikrimijit fails to follow. Roy’s premise is actually interesting: the blurred lines between art and the artist create a bond between the writer and his creation, which then make it difficult for him to connect with another human. His love life and his script inform each other in ultimately destructive ways. This could have been an amazing story, if the writer knew which direction he was going in.

4) "Kam zyada, sahi galat in sab cheezon ka main hisaab nahi rakta"

(More or less, right or wrong, I don't keep track of these things)

Here the writer tells us he does not care about the actual merits of the movie. The movie is in love with itself and determined to be dark and deep. The pace can’t even be described as slow since the movie never really builds up to anything. It’s not artistic to ignore the things that don’t work; it is self indulgent.

A story? What story? - Publicity photo

5) "Yeh kahani aisay khatam hogi, main nahi janta tha"

(I didn't know this story would end like this)

SPOILER ALERT

This part might be a spoiler; although you shouldn’t care because the mystery is stupid anyway. I’m not sure if the fact that Roy is not a real person is a twist or whether it was supposed to be clear that we are watching the movie Kabir is shooting. If it is a twist, then it's not very shocking and in no way makes everything earlier in the film suddenly snap into place the way a good twist should. In an attempt to be ambiguous and keep the audience guessing, Roy instead has the audience waiting for the movie to end. When it finally does, the conclusion is unsatisfying and anticlimactic.

6) "I don't know yeh film kaise ban gayi"

(I don't know how this film got made)

What a perfect summation. Thank you Roy for doing my job for me.

They look like they're wondering the same thing. - Photo courtesy: allinfospot.com

Hala Syed is a culture critic who writes on television, fashion and food.