Western journalist writes book on Pakistan that does not have a veiled woman or a terrorist on the cover

London: Experienced British journalist, Robin P. Nash, recently launched his third book in London. Considered to be an expert on Pakistan, the best-selling author’s latest book, Pakistan: A State Within A State Within A State And Then Some, did not sell as well as it was predicted to.

His first two books – 2003’s The Pakistan Inferno! and 2008’s widely acclaimed Pakistan Behind The Veil, Through The Barrel of the Gun, From The Belly of the Beast And Then Some – had both been bestsellers.

Nash in discussion with himself during the failed book launch.

Most critics suggest that Nash’s latest book does not have the same ‘oomph factor’ as his previous publications did. For example, UK’s leading critic of non-fiction books, Sir Ian Terence Botham, described Nash’s latest work as somewhat lazy because it did not dwell deep enough into protuberant issues facing Pakistan such as suicide bombers, religious persecution, dengue fever outbreaks and off-spinners with suspect bowling actions.

‘Surprisingly, Nash seemed more interested in talking about Pakistani food, films, sports and other such stuff …’ Sir Ian complained in his review of the book that appeared in The Economist. ‘That country is hell but Nash was too busy tasting its kebabs,’ Sir Ian lamented.

However, a spokesperson of the publishing company that issued the book (Rooster Publishers, that is a division of Penguin Books), disagreed with Sir Ian’s critique.

Talking to one of UK’s most respected political magazines, Hello! the spokesperson claimed that the book had ample stuff on suicide bombers, religious persecution, dengue fever and off-spinners with suspect bowling actions.

‘It’s the cover,’ he told Hello! ‘We blundered by putting a picture of a busy market in Lahore. This put off a lot of readers. We are now trying to change this by putting (on the cover) an image of the same market minutes after it was bombed in 2008.’

But he added that changing the cover might take some time, so to make sure that the first batch of the book starts to sell well, the publishers have asked bookstores to wrap the book in crumpled white paper and splash some ketchup over it.

‘We tried this in our offices and ketchup stains on crumpled paper look very gory; so till we replace the actual cover with a more appropriate one, this should do the trick,’ he said.

The temporary ketchup cover.

The author, Robin P. Nash, was not available for comment. His agent told The Economist that though Nash has agreed to let the publishers change the cover of the book, instead of a bombed market, he wants an image of a bombed building on it.

The agent added that a compromise has been reached between the publishers and Nash, and both have settled for having the picture of a bombed political rally on the cover.

After this was announced, Indian publishers exhibited interest in publishing the book in India as well.

Bill Gates upset by FatXact scandal

New York: Billionaire computer programmer and business magnate, Bill Gates, is reported to have been upset over the scandal that has hit Pakistan’s leading software company, FatXact.

In a statement that Gate’s company, Microsoft, released to the press yesterday, Gates said:

‘It is lonely at the top. It would have been nice to have a peer or a contemporary up here with me. Someone like Daulat Khan – the dashing CEO of FatXact …’

Bill Gates: Sad

Daulat Khan, who received an MBA from the prestigious Columbiana University (in Miami, Oklahoma), and a PhD from the equally prestigious Barkley University (in Munich, Scotland), started his software company in 1975 with the founder of Apple Computers, Steve Jobs, in the latter’s garage.

After refusing a share in Apple, Daulat returned to Pakistan and began to set up the country’s very own independent software company. Daulat often went without food, water, sleep or ice-cream. But finally (in 2003) he managed to set up FatXact, vowing to become a Pakistani Bill Gates, a South Asian Steve Jobs, and (for some odd reason), a Thai Keanu Reeves.

Within ten years, Daulat was able to turn FatXact into becoming one of Asia’s largest software companies, employing over a million men, women and children.

Daulat Khan: A success story.

In 2012, Daulat decided to launch a vast TV news channel called Bull. He began picking up top TV anchors and journalists on large salaries and perks. Bull was all set to launch this year when the FatXact scandal broke.

Last week, America’s leading newspaper, The Daily Planet, broke a stunning story about how FatXact was involved in a widespread fake degrees scam; and/or how this company was raking in millions of Dollars, Riyals, Pounds, Euros, Dirhams, Rupees, Takas, Kroners and Pesos by selling (online) fake degrees from fake universities such as Colombia, Harvard, Princeton, Oxford and Cambridge.

FatXact immediately issued a rebuttal on its website. In a statement the company enumerated that:

‘The allegations against FatXact were unsubstantiated, uncorroborated, unfounded, unproven, and undocumented. The wild drunken allegations made in The Daily Planet by some journalist called Clarke Kant is an obvious, in-your-face and under-your-nose conspiracy engineered by the Pakistani media owners’ mafia to halt the launch of Pakistan’s first truly professional, patriotic and pristine TV channel, Bull …’

The statement then went on to say: ‘The leaders of the Elders of Pakistani Media Zion got Clarke Kant to plant an anti-FatXact story in The Daily Planet – a newspaper edited by the same men who engineered the 9/11 attacks in New York and blamed it on a group of flying fat Saudis …’

Bull’s top anchors (all Senior Executive Vice Presidents) stood by Daulat’s statement for a good 24 hours, before beginning to hand in their resignations in droves. They were all praised for exhibiting loyalty (for a good 24 hours).

‘We stood with Mr. Daulat and waited for a good 24 hours,’ said one anchor. ‘But we have little, little children and big, big wives. So we resigned. But if Mr. Daulat comes clean, we will be glad to re-join Bull – within a good 24 hours!’ He added.

A specially leased bus carrying the many Senior Executive Vice Presidents of Bull after they resigned.

Daulat, who is now in the custody of Pakistani authorities, has welcomed Bill Gates statement. He said that Mr. Gates has shown more patriotism than Bull’s anchors and the Elders of Pakistani Media Zion.

In Pakistan the fact that the story was initially broken by an American newspaper has been almost entirely forgotten. Various TV news channels are now running news packages and stories related to the scandal as ‘Exclusive’ items, each claiming that it was their channel that actually broke the news.

Clarke Kant is not amused.

The most recent claim in this respect was made by famous investigative reporter, Ms. Zuby Yasser, whose main claim to fame is the way she once raided (with a TV camera and a microphone) a rundown house of some dirty, filthy and perverted transvestites in a low-income locality of Karachi.

After the raid and its telecast on a local channel, Ms. Zuby wondered why she wasn’t nominated for the prestigious Pulitzer Prize. Saddened, she said, she bought herself an award online from FatXact and that this is how she came to know what this company was up to.

Meanwhile, Microsoft has removed Gates’ statement from its website. When we inquired (through email) about the removal, a Microsoft spokesperson responded by saying: ‘Well, it was there, we all saw it. It was up for a good 24 hours.’

Indian government claims Modi selfies have boosted Indian economy and image and greatly eliminated poverty

New Delhi: India’s Finance Minister, Venkatanarasimha Rajuvaripet, has claimed that ever since the arrival of the Modi-led BJP government, India’s economy has improved in leaps and bounds and the problem of poverty greatly eliminated.

Modi eliminating poverty.

The Minister was talking to the Indian media at the Delhi airport after his return from the Seychelles Island where he signed more than a dozen MOUs with the Island’s government to boost trade between the two countries.

Mr Venkatanarasimha Rajuvaripet told reporters that India would import one hundred thousand tons of fish every month from the island, so the menace of beef can gradually be phased out from the republic.

The minister said that long before man could even walk, Indians were travelling to the Seychelles on nuclear-power motorboats, jet-skis and fiberglass surfing-boards to trade spices and fish with Seychelles, whose inhabitants at the time were still living and swinging from trees.

Mr Venkatanarasimha Rajuvaripet added that phasing out the practice of beef-eating in India is part of BJP’s manifesto and it does not discriminate against the eating habits of India’s Muslim minority. He said that they (the Muslims) would find Seychelles’ fish as tasty.

Coming back to the topic of the Modi government’s economic performance, Mr Venkatanarasimha Rajuvaripet claimed that the good state of India’s economy is mainly due to the many selfies that Prime Minister Modi has taken around the world.

After blaming Pakistan, the Finance Minister said, ‘PM Modi has a selfie with almost every major world leader. This has greatly benefited the economy and is helping our government to eliminate and erase poverty from India.’

When asked by some reporters to elaborate, Mr Venkatanarasimha Rajuvaripet (after blaming Pakistan), explained:

‘When Indians see their PM take a selfie with an important international leader or with an excited American, Chinese, Mongolian or Guatemalan fan, they feel euphoric, proud and thus rich and well-fed. This way, they can stay without food for days, if not weeks, and feel like a Tata or an Ambani, even if at the time they were on nothing but an ox-cart, a bicycle, or a leaky boat …’

An aged Indian man in a small village in Bihar excitedly telling his friend about PM Modi’s latest selfie.

India’s Minister of Tourism, Seth Dharam Dayal Teja, agreed with the Finance Minister’s analysis. In a separate press conference held in Mumbai, the Tourism Minister (after blaming Pakistan), said that PM Modi’s selfies have done wonders for India’s image abroad.

‘PM Modi has taken over two to three thousand selfies in a year or so,’ the Minister said. ‘These selfies have appeared on TV and on social media around the world and seen by billions of people. This has greatly enhanced our image,’ the Minister explained.

When asked to elaborate, the Minister (after blaming Pakistan), said: ‘Our data shows that ever since PM Modi began taking selfies, there has been a two-fold increase in European and American tourists arriving in India to take selfies.’

He said that taking a selfie is as good as doing yoga and that the majority of tourists coming to India these days just want to take selfies at various tourist spots instead of actually seeing tourist attractions.

‘But we are perfectly fine with that,’ the Minister explained. ‘Selfies are the future,’ he added, while taking a selfie (after blaming Pakistan).

India’s Minister of Tourism inaugurating yet another selfie-taking-spot for tourists.

Qasim was first man on the moon, says WaterKit inventor

Toba Tek Singh: A group of educationists recently held a conference in the Punjab city of Toba Tek Singh. This group has been active against those government and state ministers who they claim are trying to change the education curriculum of Pakistan.

This particular conference focused on how some elements in the government and NGOs are trying to expunge a very important historical fact from school textbooks.

In a joint statement, the group bewailed that the government (pressurised by some NGOs and fake historians), is planning to delete the fact that Pakistan was created by 8th century Arab commander, M Bin Qasim; and that Qasim was the first Pakistani. The statement concluded:

‘Jinnah was just a facilitator who completed Qasim’s mission.’

The chief speaker at the conference was the famous inventor of the WaterKit Car, Dr. Zulfikar Babar. After explaining how the Illuminati undermined and shot down his brilliant invention of a car that could actually run on water (WaterKit Car), Babar said, not only was Qasim the first Pakistani, he was also the first man on the moon!

Dr. Babar speaking at the conference.

In his widely acclaimed speech, Babar said:

‘Though Neil Armstrong did walk on the moon, he was NOT the first man to do so. We have been taught history written by biased Orientalists. We have forgotten that it was actually Bin Qasim who was the first man to walk on the moon. And he did so in the 8th century!’

Babar added:

‘Just before he conquered Sindh, Qasim was an amateur astronomer (all before he turned 5). At age 15, he succeeded in breeding a special kind of a camel that could run faster than the speed of light.

He then told the governor of Baghdad that he was ready to conquer not only the whole world but the moon too. However, the governor was a tad short-sighted and wanted him to just stick to conquering Sindh.’

Babar explained: ‘Qasim blasted his camel and men towards Sindh, but overshot it by a few million miles, and ended up on the surface of the moon.’

Babar then claimed that after finding the moon to be a somewhat boring place with low gravity and absolutely no date palms, Qasim shot back and this time landed in Sindh.

‘Unfortunately, his camel died on impact and we lost vital evidence to prove all these fake historians wrong,’ he added.

An ancient crater near the city of Hyderabad in Sindh. Dr. Babar claims the crater was made by the impact of Qasim landing here via the moon.

Babar then went on to explain how, in 1960, American CIA agents masquerading as archaeologists, dug up the remains of Qasim’s camel and used its skeleton to build the very rocket (Apollo 11) that took Armstrong to the moon.

‘Captain Qasim’s miraculous feat was all but forgotten in the mist of Orientalist history, Western propaganda and hip-hop music,’ Babar lamented.

He was given a standing ovation for his speech and later invited to appear on various TV talk shows.