San Andreas isn’t as much a disaster film as it is a disaster fetish film. There is a story of course, but it is amusingly amateur, and written to serve as a throwaway precursor to the hardcore action. The action itself has its enjoyable moments while the novelty lasts (briefly), but after serving its purpose it leaves you wondering what you are doing with your life.

Thirty minutes into the film you may be done with the action, but the action isn’t done with you. Each subsequent piece of action tries to top the next until your senses are unable to absorb anymore, and you think of the bits you enjoyed earlier with an undeniable sense of shame.

The grander the CGI effects in San Andreas, the more artificial they seem. To be fair, the actors try their desperate best to sell the cataclysm, but they are always on shaky ground.

San Andreas is delusional and feels like it needs a cuddle

As a professor who saw the monstrous earthquake coming and as a mother looking for her daughter while dodging Mother Nature, Paul Giamatti (Dr. Lawrence Hayes) and Carla Gugino (Emma Gaines) in particular have their faces twists into a number of exaggerated expressions, so that viewers may believe in the authenticity of the events. Unfortunately, in spite of their best efforts, it is comically obvious that the actors are performing in front of a green screen.

The fault lines in the narrative are the clichéd characters. Similarly to other disaster films, Dr. Lawrence Hayes is a genius professor who has foreseen the calamity, but isn’t taken seriously until the first blow is delivered. Daniel Riddick (Ioan Gruffudd) is a businessman who proves to not only be a coward in a crisis, but evil as well.

Meanwhile, Chief Raymond “Ray” Gaines (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson), the film’s hero, is such an alpha male rescue operative that he keeps his emotions sealed tight. As expected, he opens up during the course of the film in an emotional sequence which feels out of place. It is difficult to believe Gaines walked away from a long relationship with a loving and understanding wife because he was unable to utter one word about a personal tragedy. And when Gaines and Carla reminisce about their past, instead of ex-spouses they sound like they only dated casually.

Then there is Ben Taylor (Hugo Johnstone-Burt), a young man smitten with Chief Gaines’ daughter Blake (Alexandra Daddario). Ben is shown to have trouble speaking to the women he is attracted to. This could be because he loses his marbles around them. Early in the film Ben places his little brother Ollie (Art Parkinson) in mortal danger to rescue Blake. It is noble of Ben to attempt a daring rescue of a woman he just met, but perhaps he should have considered securing his sibling first?

Perhaps the most distasteful aspect of San Andreas is its various shades of patriotic symbolism towards the end which follow heavy-handed attempts at paying tribute to actual survivors of disasters. These nauseating acknowledgements of the human spirit unfold as we are treated to an overly emotional soundtrack. It is as if after ravaging our senses, San Andreas is delusional and feels like it needs a cuddle.

Rated PG-13 for intense disaster action and mayhem throughout, and brief strong language

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, June 14th, 2015

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