Dear Phupo, I am 28 years old; my husband is from another sect. I got married last year after almost two years of a beautiful relationship. His family, especially his mother, was against our marriage. From the very first day his attitude changed towards me particularly in front of his mom. I noticed that he is very scared of her and emotionally blackmailed. We live separately so I am least bothered about her. The wedding was such a big drama and I also suffered a lot throughout, but the painful thing is that even then he never supported me. I feel he is not able to handle the pros and cons of this marriage. He is forever testing me. He was not ready to extend the family from the very first day because he wanted to check me first. Then he decided to have kids.

Now his younger brother got married recently and he has changed his mind again, he told me that he wants to test again if we can move together or not. He said he was mentally disturbed after the wedding and used to tell me that we should end this marriage and I understood that situation. Now he is saying he is disturbed again and will tell me after a month whether he wants to continue or divorce me. I am tired of his attitude. What should I do? He becomes tense about everything.

Two-and-a-half years back his father passed away and his family was shattered. He has so many business conflicts, etc. with his brother, which have nothing to do with me. He blames me for all the restlessness in himself. What can I do for him? He can’t hear a single word about his mother and family. He is not ready to accept the reality and move forward! Throughout this time I suffered a lot, prayed a lot and tried my level best to make things work. My dad is no more and my siblings are settled abroad, busy in their lives. Besides these problems he is very nice to me, takes good care if I am ill and fulfills all my needs. Please advise me what should I do?

Thank you

Dear Bahu, Let’s get into your husband’s shoes. Auntie is not justifying the weakness that he is displaying in this matter, but the man is living with a wife who says she couldn’t care less about his mother. Sounds like drama to me and men hate drama. No one wants to be in a tug of war between his wife and mother and while he should give you priority, he also feels greatly obligated to his family.

Yours is a new marriage and it hasn’t started off on the right note; however, you can always play a role in improving things. You can come from a position of understanding and maturity. Thus far your in-laws were probably very involved in all aspects of their son’s life and they are probably finding it hard to let go of that control which can put a strain on the marriage.

Start by setting a healthy boundary with your own family. Show your husband by setting an example that you don’t allow your siblings to disrupt the peace of your house.  

Have a calm conversation with your husband. Tell him that you respect him and his decisions and show him that you really mean it. Don’t do things that irk him, try not to put him in a difficult situation, and really understand what he is going through. Tell him you want to work on your marriage and ask him what you can do to help the situation. Then listen carefully to what he is saying and if possible do what he says he needs in terms of support.

And even if you dislike his family, do not forget to always be respectful. Don’t criticise them to their faces or to your husband. He takes criticism of his family very personally. Be gentle and friendly when you meet them and try to meet them regularly even if you live separately. Do not criticise your in-laws to other people and accept them for who they are. Take that a step further and respect your husband’s relationship with his family and don’t try to change things. If they eat with their hands and you like your cutlery, respect that. Everyone’s family has different, difficult and strange people. They also have some nice ones. Even yours does. You just don’t realise it because you have known them to be like that.

Finally, don’t act all entitled and refuse to take the blame for your part in what is going on. If we are honest with ourselves, we would be able to see our own role in a conflict. If you look at life from your in-law’s point of view, you would see a family whose son has fought with them and is living separately with a wife they barely know. A wife who couldn’t care less about them. Life from your husband’s point of view is about trying to keep the peace between everyone that he loves. The best thing you can do is play your role in easing things for everyone instead of thinking that they owe you. Seek professional help if this doesn’t work.

Dear Massi jee. I am a 17-year-old girl about to start A Levels. My problem is that I am very confused about the direction of my life. As yet I am not certain about what I want as a career though I have a few options. I have low confidence level and think that I can never be good at anything. In the past, this one teacher lowered my morale and shattered me as a person by constantly belittling me and telling me that I can never be any good.

I had always dreamed of going to one of the best universities in the world and travelling, but my parents totally refused to allow me to go. They are not even letting me study in the nearest big city and insisting I complete my education in the small town where I live. My brothers will be given every opportunity and every advantage as they are boys. At this point I am totally disheartened and losing interest in life. I need help. Please.

Girl

Dear Dream-interrupted, Unless you accept how things are right now and prove to your parents that you have got your life under control, your parents are not going to listen to you. Let alone let you out of their sight. You need more than wishful thinking to fulfil your dreams.

Please understand that your parents are not against you. They are part of a society where women are generally more vulnerable than men. They worry for you. Be glad you have parents who care and worry for you. That is not to say that many Pakistani women haven’t taken control on their lives. They have and so can you, but for that you have to be responsible in all aspects of your life here in Pakistan. So start with getting good grades, helping your parents around the house,  being responsible with money, keeping your room clean, staying out of trouble, not letting a teacher’s negative remarks throw you, and generally staying in control. If you can’t do that in your small town, even Auntie isn’t convinced you can do it in the big city or abroad.

Next, get clear on why you want to go abroad to study. Is it because you just want to be abroad or is there a particular degree programme that you are interested in that you absolutely cannot do living in Pakistan? You say you are confused about the direction of your life and Auntie suspects you don’t have a strong enough reason to go abroad apart from the fact that you want to get away from your parents and the town you live in. Wanting to party at university or that Australian men are hot do not count as valid reasons to study abroad. Why do you really want to go? Will the foreign degree help you get a better job? Is there a good degree in the same subject that you can do in Pakistan? Are you really looking for a degree and a career? How safe is the place where you want to go?

Think of the finances. Yup you gotta do ALL the adult stuff. It costs a lot of money to send children abroad to study. You may have a fair idea of your parent’s financial situation. Can your parents afford it or will they have to take a loan? Do they really want to take on a loan? Are you a good risk? Could you work towards getting a scholarship? If you are really serious you would be looking for scholarships right now and seeing how you could meet their requirements. Could you work and raise some of the money yourself? I know you live in a small town but there are always opportunities to make money such as teaching or tutoring children or starting a home-based business. Such measures will show that you are serious about your commitment to study abroad and that you are not just going there to get away from the parents.

Finding out all this information, plus information about local alternatives is not important just for your parents, but also for you. It will really give you a perspective on what is involved. It will take the dream out of the dream sphere and put it squarely into reality. I hope by now you are starting to ask yourself, if this is really what you want to do.

Your parents know you better than you think they know you. They can also tell when you are lying or when you are not serious, so if you know what you want, do the research, go to them with a serious plan and prove that you are reliable and worthy.

Auntie will not reply privately to anyquery. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, July 5th, 2015

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