Dear Pakistanis,

I want to apologise to all those whose family visit visas were rejected by my country. As you may have noticed, we have adopted an unofficial policy to reject as many visas as possible.

A citizen in my own country also faced issues in getting visas for his parents in Pakistan, even though they are comfortably off and well-travelled.

We deliberately make our visa requirements as ambiguous as possible so that it is easier for us to reject on whim. This helps our office rake in as much cash as possible. Might I add that this is other than increasing the visa fee application by 10 times in the past few years.

See: UK visa criteria

We’ve also removed the right of appeal for visitor visas.

Appeals are not at all profitable, especially given the fact that we make mistakes most of the time, costing us both time and money. My faceless civil servants — who are behind the visa decisions — wasted time by responding to appeals (by abolishing the right of appeal, this has stopped).

Instead, just remember to take out your credit card and re-apply.

Even if you re-apply satisfying our earlier objections, we’ll find newer reasons for rejection.

We may use “balance of probabilities” and treat you how African-Americans were treated in the movie “Selma” — being disqualified from voting even when they had evidently fulfilled the requirements.

By making the requirements vague and updating our application to be open to interpretation, the Entry Clearance Officers (ECO) can choose their interpretation and change the meaning as and when needed.

For example, our visa application states:

“What is the cost to you personally of your trip in GBP (£)?”

This is sometimes interpreted as a combination of:

“How much are you paying for the trip?” or “How much of the trip is being paid for by someone else?”

And at other times as:

“What is the cost of your trip? (including the money you will receive from someone else)”

Many organisations, including the Home Office, have Crystal Mark application forms. This way, you don’t need a lawyer, or have to be an immigration minister, to interpret and understand the terminology in application forms. But who said we apply it to our visitor visa form?

If we lay out our requirements in plain English, it will become difficult for us to reject applications.

Examine: No Schengen visa for me — A Pakistani scientist's dilemma

We may also choose to ignore some of the supporting documents with your application and refuse you a visa on the basis of that. You see, we require a paperweight for the supporting documents and find it difficult to go through all of them within the 10-15 minutes that we have set aside for each application.

We also try not to train our case workers and Entry Clearance Officers that well. We might even decide to withhold their coffee to encourage them to reject visas.

Even if your British sponsor gives a guarantee, we may choose to ignore. We might call them to verify the sponsorship but may not listen to their answers. We call it "Bad Coffee Refusal".

Granted that you won't be eligible for state support if you are on a visitor's visa but we can still contend that you won’t be able to stay in the UK, unless you request public funds, despite being ineligible. Even if your sponsor hasn’t used public funds, we like to make up facts as we go along.

We ask you to not enlist the help of middle men or agents but to instead apply directly. These vultures have the experience and methodologies to rip off applicants but still manage to get them visas in the end.

The bottom line is that we don't trust Pakistanis or their green passports.

It is better to keep Pakistani scientists, researchers and professionals busy with Home Office inefficiencies and incompetence as that is what we are good at.

Take a look: The irony of having an 'iron brother' — My failed quest for a Chinese visa

Considering that we don't accept complaints or appeals on short-term visas, it’s best to open your wallet as wide as possible and re-apply. Don't try to file an official complaint; instead ask your MP to complain, ask your sponsor to contact the Home office, take us to court or submit a Freedom of Information request to find out why Pakistanis are rejected visas so often.

It’s not easy to achieve the distinction of an A+ rejection rate at 75 per cent (as seen in this Freedom of Information request) but we will aim for A++ or at least a A in 2016.

Regards, but not on behalf of the Home Office,
Not Theresa May.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.