Hey Afridi, you should resign mate, Pakistan has fared so poorly at the World T20.

“No, why should I quit? My family wants me to play, my fans want me to play, the Indians want me to play, my step brother Ahmed Shehzad and my adopted nephew Umar Akmal want me to play. And above all my chairman wants me to play. He is my inspiration really. At 85, if he is still holding office, why can’t I at 35?”

Hey Waqar, you have flopped as head coach in your second term as well. You better quit now mate, for good this time.

“No, why should I quit? My sifarshi assistant Azhar Mahmood wants me to carry on, Donald Trump wants me to carry on, my dog wants me to carry on. And above all, my chairman wants me to carry on. He is the one I look up to for everything. If he is well entrenched in PCB at 84, my career is absolutely safe man. I am young and happy and head coach forever.”

Hey Haroon, you have erred badly as chief selector since the team you selected has completely flopped at the ICC World T20. Just tender in your resignation mate and go.

“No, why should I quit? I am on verge of celebrating my silver jubilee at the PCB. Besides, my sub-ordinates want me to continue as chief selector, my servants want me to carry on, Kamran Akmal and Salman Butt want me to carry on. But above all, my chairman wants me in the saddle. That man at 83 is fit as Siddle. If he is living happily ever after at PCB, I am gonna just chill out as chief selector, for at least a decade more.”

Hey Malik, time to hang up your boots man, you are simply over the hill.

“No, why should I quit? My wife Sania wants me to continue, Aamir Liaquat and Sahir Lodhi want me to play on, my conspiring buddies want me to carry on, and above all my chairman wants me in the team. He is such a role model you know. Whether we lose ODIs, forfeit Tests or lose World T20s, that man at 82 knows how to forgive and forget. You may not be aware, but Ghajini is his all-time favourite movie where Aamir Khan plays a dementia patient. So don’t worry, I am here man, not going anywhere till the 2019 World Cup.”

Hey Inti, for God’s sakes quit now, you have literally spent a lifetime with Pakistan cricket teams. Aren’t you fed up being part of this perpetual humiliation streak?

“No, why should I quit? This is my golden Jubilee year at the PCB and I have big plans to celebrate it in a befitting manner. Besides, nobody wants me to go, my gardener, my masseur, my neighbours. And the board has booked me a nice cozy place at the Miani Sahib, they want me to wear my manager’s badge till my last breath and go straight to the final rest place from here. Lastly, I am so thankful to my elder brother Shaharyar for never making me feel old or retired. After all, what’s this humiliation compared to what my chairman has faced in Mumbai or at The Oval back in 2006? That’s what I call a diplomat, thick-skinned with a deafening ability to take decisions.”

Hey Shaharyar, time to quit man, you have ruined Pakistan cricket.

“No, why should I quit? I am having the time of my life as chairman PCB, making tours, being the arm-chair administrator and having three-course meals at PCB. Besides, if Sethi can make a fool of everyone by playing a journalist and a government official at the same time, I can do it just as good. So I make statements in the morning and deny them in the evening to make the journos go round in circles. Boy, do I enjoy that! And tell me honestly, if the man who has appointed me is not bothered, sanu ki?”

Published in Dawn, March 26th, 2016