From a Pakistani TV soap character

Dear … sob sob … Sartaj Trump …

Please …sob sob … sartaj, don’t put a travel ban on us. Please don’t behave like my mother-in-law … sob sob … even though, I think it is my fault, all my fault … sob sob.

Dear sartaj sir, my husband is having an affair and sob sob … well, I think it is my fault, all my fault. Ban me, just me. Not him … sob sob.

As I write this, tears are rolling down my sunken-pale cheeks … sob sob. But then, tears roll down my cheeks even when I am ordering pizza or just passing the ketchup on the dinner table. Sob sob … always rolling down, always, always … sob sob … my fault, my fault, sartaj, just mine.

Ban me, but not the men from Yemen … just the women. They deserve it. Just like I do. Sob … sob.

Dear, Saddar sartaj I … I … sob sob … I … I understand why you are doing this. Men know best. You are a man thus you know best. Best man. Sartaj man … sob sob.

Tears are rolling down my boney cheeks thinking about what evil people did to good people of United Men of America. The horror, the pain, the barbarity of the Bowling Green Massacre! Sob sob Must be the evil refugee women. It’s always the women.

Ban them, deport them, sartaj. But not the men. They will repopulate Bowling Green with more men. Cute little men. With nappies and goo-goo sounds. And then they will grow up and beat and cheat stupid refugee women. They deserve it. The only good woman is a sobbing woman!

Yours in tears, sobs & hiccups,

Saleema … sob sob.

From a Pakistani TV talk show anchor

Dear Mr Trump (dramatic music)

It is surprising that you have not uttered a single word on Panama Leaks. Why? Indeed, you are a better person than that liberal-fascist Obama, but it is important that you condemn corruption. In Pakistan. On my channel.

I like your style. It’s just like mine, even though I believe I foam in the mouth a lot more quickly than you do. But you are getting there.

Sir, Panama Leaks is a major international issue. In Pakistan. On my channel.

Yet, you have said nothing about it. Why? Are you trying to defend your asset in Islamabad?

We know our PM is a US stooge. He’s an Indian stooge as well. So, logically, you would like to protect him. But, sir, let me warn you, he is also a Chinese stooge and an Iranian stooge. He is being hypnotised by a very dangerous man Najam Sethi, who is a member of a secret illuminati Manchurian think-tank called Apas Ki Baat. He is the one who planned the Bowling Green Massacre. I have proof of this. Check my tweets.

So, if you want to put a travel ban on Pakistan, put it on our PM first.

You must rage foam-in-the-mouth about the corrupt mafia of Pakistan. You must call us the most corrupt country in the world. Sir, all I am trying to do is set a positive image of Pakistan.

Anyway, I’ll be back after this commercial break.

Zalima Coca-Cola pila dey …

Did you see that? The hold Jews have in Pakistan? Yes, they pay for TV shows like mine, but I never ever use their products. Never. *Burp … excuse me.*

So, Mr President, when are you going to give a statement on Panama Leaks? Or will you send a letter to defend our corrupt PM, like that Qatari prince did?

However, if you are planning to send a letter, please send one for my boss too, the owner of the TV channel I work for. He is being attacked by a diabolical Yemeni liberal-fascist conspiracy! I’m sure you can understand and empathise with that.

Rest assured, if you do send a letter in the defence of my boss, then my channel will hail your Muslim travel ban. We will support all of your polices, and even dye our hair orange.

Until then, I am sending you cuttings on the corruption of our PM from the most popular, credible and influential newspaper in the world: Roznama Rona (Daily Whining). In Pakistan. On my channel.

Yours fellow foaming-in-the-mouth chum,

Sohail Jan (dramatic music).

From a ‘Liberal’ Pakistani:

Dear President,

Even though I am opposed to oppose your policies, I understand and even support your stand against radical Muslims. I believe your travel ban is a good move, even though I can’t stand your other moves. I am mostly politically correct in my thinking, but I am willing to change that for this.

However, Mr President, keep in mind that there are good folks like me in Pakistan too. We are only a handful, but we can help you identify radical Muslims. But for this, we need to be in the US. In other words, by all means ban Pakistanis, but not us.

If you agree, then, who knows, we might also decide to support some other policies of yours which we are opposing. Or should be opposing. Should we? Kindly guide.

I totally agree that radical Muslims are a menace. However, dear President, though you may let loose your racist pooches on them, but you’ll be needing liberals like me as well. A liberal pooch will not be trampled by the media like a racist pooch would. Think about it.

I can be of great service to your cause because I can rationalise your travel ban by highlighting the dangers of serving halal food in the economy class of a plane. And I believe, this is exactly what caused the Bowling Green Massacre. This and falafel! I plan to read a paper on this at a university on my next trip to the US.

Down with terrorist Muslims (disguised as refugees). Ban them all. But please, Mr President, save the whales.

Thank you.

Yours selectively,

Hamid Sheikh (aka Hammy)

From a reactionary Pakistani troll

Deer Trump,

Hails from bastion of Muslim faith in Asia!! Want to inform you that you will be surprise to know that thousands of Pakistanis like me, in factual fact, millions and billions patriot Pakistani faithfuls hail your ban!!!

Surprise?? Hahaha. Let me explaining. If you put ban on travel of Pakistanis to America, this way there will be no drain brain. All brains will remain in Pakistan. Drain, brain, remain. Poetry! Hahaha.

We have finest brains in whole wide earth. But most of fine brains are in heads of traitors and liberal fascists. So I urge you to put ban on Pakistani. Because then they remain in Pakistan and not be able to drain to US. And when they remain in Pakistan and not drain to US, we can smash their heads, pull out brain and put brain in heads of true Pakistani patriots and faithfuls, making them jeaniuses.

Trump, we know you hates us. We fine with that. We want you to hate us. In factual fact tell us what else can we do to make you hates us more and more?! The more and more you hates us the more and more we get strong more and more we able to stop drain brain and more and more smash heads. Jeanius plan, right?

This will do wonders for bastion of faith and patriots. For exemplary, look at me. Of course you can’t look at me because I am writing letter. Hahahaha.

But see how well I write. Remember poetry in upper sentence? This because I once smash head of poet and put his brain in my head.

I wanted to smash head of another liberal fascist but he run away to US. Why I wanted to smash?

Because when I put fine brain in my head, he laugh. I ask, why you laugh, you traitor? He said ‘brain go in head, not in knee.’ What that means? Not poetry at all. Keep him.

Yours surprise ally,

@ShaukatPakJan007_666

Letter from Adnan Sami Khan

Dear Mr President,

First of all, I want to clarify that I am an ex-Pakistani. Please, bear this in mind, when you read this letter. I am now a full-fledged citizen of India and no more the miserable Pakistani that I once was.

I am writing to you to congratulate you on your fantastic victory in this year’s election; and, more so, on your brave, bold and visionary decision to ban travelers from seven Muslim countries. However, I must confess, I was rather surprised and shocked to note that Pakistan’s name wasn’t on the list.

Being a former Pakistani, I can tell you with certainty, Pakistan is a terrorist state. It has always been a terrorist state. Every Pakistani is a terrorist. This is not to suggest that I too was a terrorist when I was a Pakistani. I was kept in that country against my will and was fed lots of beef dishes.

Truth is, I tried to escape from Pakistan the moment I was born. But, alas, I was caught by a terrorist nurse who then tortured me by lifting me from my tiny feet and slapping me across the backside. Can you imagine the horror and the humiliation?

Well, I was forcibly beefed up by toxic terrorist meat, but never did I let go of my dream of one day escape and settle in the only true country in the region: India.

You see, Mr President, all our ancestors, yours including, came from India. This was told to me by one of the greatest scientists of India, Dr H Gobin Chandrasekhar. Yes, the same guy who first discovered and proved that ancient Indians were using nuclear-powered vacuum-cleaners more than 10,000 years ago.

I also want to thank you for planning a fruitful working relationship with our Prime Minister, the great and mighty Narendra Modi. He has promised me that after India annihilates Pakistan with its brilliant strategic strikes, he will personally punish that cruel nurse who tortured me when I was just a few minutes old. Terrorist witch!

Mr President, I urge you to put Pakistan’s name on the ban list. Pakistani travelers will destroy your great country like they destroyed me. My backside still hurts, you know.

Yours,

Adnan Sami (aka Indiana Jones)

Letter from Tahir Shah

Dear Mister Trumpet,

Greetings from ann-gel country of mankind. My heart beated loudly when an ann-gel tell me that United Kingdom of America might keep my beloved Pakistan name on a travel band list. Mister Trumpet, don’t do that.

We are peaceful country, Mr Tambourine, lonely for youuuu, like an ann-gel, our heart is like a rooosse, mankind’s owwwn …

I remembers, first time when I travel to United Kingdom of America city of New Zealand, and my jet plane land on runaway of Tom F. Kidney Airport, I was greeted by powdery white womens and cute, snowy childrens. There was peace and love and harmony and joyful singings of two countries’ national anthems. It felt like teen spirit. Mr Tom, don’t band.

Dearful President, band list mirror terrible hate between mankinds of two humankinds. After all, within every humankind is an ann-gel. All one has to do is look inside his throat in the belly deep bellow to finds him. Only then will you understand what I am sayings. Lonely for youuuu, like an ann-gel, our heart is like a rooosse, mankind’s owwwn …

My strings of the heart weep loudly when I hear about Bowling Alley Massacre. Dear President Toblerone, it wasn’t ann-gels of mankind country. It wasn’t mankinds of Yemen, Somalia, Sudan, Iran, Syria, Iraq, Babylon or Aladdin. But, dearest Mr Chairman of the Board, they may be also peoples of Ethiopia, Guatemala or even planet Pluto. But ann-gel in my belly bellow tells me, why blame one mankind or another humankind for bum blasts?

All have ann-gels and devils. But why punish innocent peaceful ann-gels? Mr Toblerone, don’t band. Or you will become alone. Like a mermaid.

Yours eye-to-eye,

Tahir Shah

BS: Keep following in mind, Mr Tim: Don’t be like lonely mermaid. All mankind are ann-gels hugging lovely peoples at United Nations Council. Piece.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.