Life works in its own strange ways. Sometimes things and occasions that are meant to bring joy and be a source of celebration simply bring sadness and pain. Mother’s Day is one such occasion for me, as are birthdays, anniversary, Eids, result days and even random days, because I don’t have my mother to celebrate them with.

Since Ammi passed away, Mother’s Day in particular is very hard. As much as I try to ignore it, the more I am reminded of it by all that is going on around me! Sometimes I wonder how can people be so heartless to flaunt their good fortune without thinking of those who can’t enjoy what they have? Can’t people keep their celebrations to themselves?

I know I am being selfish here by saying all this but these days there just seems to be this pressure to celebrate Mother’s Day whether one wants it or not, whether one can or not! The bombardment of advertisements of all kinds, and all the gift and card buying not only makes people like myself so uncomfortable but also sad because we have no one to wish on this day. Even schools now have Mother’s Day related activates that kids excitedly indulge in, but it must be so difficult for kids who don’t have mothers. I wonder how they deal with it.

I miss Ammi every day, though over time the pain goes into the background of everyday routine, but the heartache never quite goes away. I guess it just becomes more bearable and one learns to deal with it and put on a smiling face for the world.

After losing a parent, life changes forever, but one learns to deal with it because there is no other option. However, the only option that we do have is how we deal with it – do we still make the effort to have a good and fulfilling like, like what our absent parent would have wanted, or do we just continue to mop and cry about our misfortune and make a mess of ourselves.

I think the best way to continue to keep the bond with the deceased parent and keep their memory alive is by following their teachings and doing all that they would have wanted us to do. I like listening to my mum’s childhood stories from her siblings and other elders in the family to get to know all the things that she would have told me herself had she been there now. It also helps me discover more about the person who was just my mother to me but who had many facets of her personality that came out in the other relations she maintained with others. This also teaches me how to handle my own relationships with others.

Initially it was not easy talking about Ammi with people, and people too felt I would get sad so they avoided mentioning her in front of me. But eventually I realised that though I would get a lump in my throat at her mention, I would also have a bittersweet smile on my lips on hearing her name. Eventually the tears dried up except for those times when I was alone with my thoughts.

I also realised that I needed to embrace my grief and not ignore it, share Ammi’s memories and not shun it. This made me feel better and life isn’t so depressing now as it seemed at first – my mum won’t have wanted me to be sad so I refuse to be sad. And this is the reason that I will not let myself feel upset when others celebrate Mother’s Day when I can’t. What is their fault in it?

I can’t celebrate this day with Ammi but I can do something that day that would make her feel proud of me, or that would have brought a smile on her face had she been there. I am not sure what I will do ... maybe I will help a person in need, give some charity or feed a poor person.

I can’t give a gift to my mother but I can give something to someone who really needs it. There are so many other children like myself who can’t celebrate Mother’s Day, but not because they don’t have a mother but simply because they can’t afford to ‘celebrate’ any day. I will make this day a little better for them by giving them some money to at least have a good meal that day.

Come to think of it, there is so much that I too can do on Mother’s Day that would make any mother proud of her child. So what if she is not here, she is alive in me and I choose to be the kind of daughter she wanted me to be. And there is no better gift than this for any mother.

By A daughter

Published in Dawn, May 12th, 2017