Recently, after a parent-teacher meeting in my children’s school, my younger son introduced me to a new boy who had joined his class not long ago. My first meeting with the child and his mother was an eye-opener for me to say the least.

I asked the young boy his name.

“It’s Ali Hassan,” his mother replied, instead of him

Micromanaging your child’s life may cause a lot of damage in the long term

“Ali, how do you like school?” I asked conversationally.

“Oh it’s fine, though not as elite as his last school. The grounds were much bigger there and teachers more smartly dressed.” Again the reply came from the mother while the young boy looked down at his feet and squirmed.

“Any hobbies, Ali?” I could not help myself and this time I looked directly at the mother to embarrass her into not replying but she disappointed me again and replied for him. “Oh he loves football but spends too much of his time on computers. I am always telling him…”

During the next two hours, I heard her tell the English teacher that she had given Ali unfair marks in his test, the science teacher was told that Ali should have been chosen for the science project, the class teacher that Ali should be allowed to sit with his friend and the school head was apprised of all the things she thought were wrong with the school.

With great amusement, I realised that I have just met a ‘helicopter parent’. I had heard this term before but that day I truly understood what it meant.

Have you ever seen a helicopter fly? Its blades go round and round and it can hover above you. Sadly this hovering behaviour is not confined to these flying machines only. Parents, too, can sometimes hover around their children, swooping down to rescue them at the first sign of trouble, planning every step of their way and not giving them any room for independent thoughts or action.

Helicopter parents think that everything they are doing is in the best interest of their children. But they are so overzealous, so overprotective and usually so overbearing that they end up making lives miserable for their children.

They allow no freedom to their children and choose their friends, their activities and how they will spend every minute of their day. While all responsible parents should keep an eye on their children’s school activities, grades, friends and general behaviour, helicopter parents take these duties to another level.

Examples of helicopter parenting include telling a toddler how to build a precise tower with his building blocks instead of letting him explore his own creativity. Or how to paint a picture or stack his cones or solve a puzzle, usually accompanied by words, “Here let me show you how it’s done!” Helicopter parents will do their children’s homework for them so that they always get the best grades. They will write their essays, solve their math problems, and draw their science diagrams in an effort to make sure that no one surpasses their child. They argue with teachers, criticise school policies, manage school plays, devise sports strategies and make sure that their child steals all the limelight.

However, this style of parenting comes at a high cost. Helicopter parents can totally undermine their children’s self-confidence and ability to think and work independently. Such children are unable to function on their own or make any decisions. They are afraid of failure and displeasing their parents so they do not try any new activities. They tend to be more withdrawn, stressed and anxious. They are so used to their parents’ hovering presence that they do not develop any coping skills and instead depend upon their parents to sort out their affairs at every turn.

Helicopter parents are not only obsessed with their own child’s performance in school; they also develop an unhealthy obsession about how well their child is doing as compared to other classmates — even if the child is as young as three years old. For instance, they may take another child’s ability to learn alphabets quicker than their own child as a personal insult. This is a very worrying trend because an over-competitive attitude is harmful for the child’s personality.

We all want our children to feel loved and protected. We want to celebrate their achievements and help them reach their dreams by providing guidance and opportunities. Success and victories are sweet but parents should also remember that setbacks, disappointments and failures also teach children very valuable lessons.

The best form of parenting is where parents are there for their children to listen to their problems and see that they come to no harm but they should also allow the children to make decisions suitable to their age. Teach children how to solve problems rather than solve it for them. Teach them to work on making their relationships with family and friends successful rather than managing it for them.

Make sure that they understand that they will receive the same treatment and opportunities in school as the other children whether it is selection for sports team or school drama or any other extracurricular activity. Parents should not intervene or make threats to school over something that their child does not deserve or did not earn by hard work.

The results of micromanaging your child’s life may look tangible in the short run, but they cause a lot of long-term damage. Let children be children!

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 9th, 2017