Obituary: Siren The Coffee Mug (2015-2017)

In loving memory of ‘the mug’, the myth, the legend. Engraved with the mythological Siren, she was a promise of sophistication and intellect that pseudo-intellectuals basked in. So brittle and yet so strong, calm and composed even under pressure. Every morning she would seduce us with freshly brewed elixir of life. On warm Karachi nights, she would entice us with chilled lassis and on days when we were ill, she became our Holy Grail offering warmth, sustenance and miraculous healing powers of chicken broth. Many a nights were spent curled up with her on the porch enjoying a good book and the cool breeze. She was the perfect companion. There was no task she couldn’t do, no liquid she couldn’t contain.

With no chip and no crack, she breathed her last this Thursday as she was flung to her death, knocked off by the offspring in protest — an act of betrayal that deeply tested the term ‘unconditional love.’

Never underestimate the true potential of YouTube tutorials, a roll of duct tape and a determined mother

Our Siren will always be remembered. She is survived by her pair who has been declared endangered and has been moved to a safer location with other fragile items which will be unboxed after the nest is empty and offspring & co. have left for college.

Siren’s demise was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The deadly impact had resulted in silent screams of agony — mostly mine — a few tears — also mine — and a great sense of loss. Again all mine. We paid our respects and the mornings that followed were spent mug less and in mourning. We soon realised that there was no point crying over spilt milk or spilt purees because that’s how we were eating our food nowadays. Flipping bowls over and then eating with our fingers. With excellent finger dexterity and hand-mouth coordination, the result was five minutes of sensory play followed by 20 minutes of extreme scrubs. An interesting fact by the way: carbon containing minerals require intense heat, high pressure and millions of years to turn into diamonds. On the other hand, semolina remains, if forgotten, become diamond-hard within minutes and can cause even the most carbon footprint-monitoring millennials to embrace the concept of disposables.

So it was agreed that it was time to invest in some plastic, baby-proof the premises and in the process idiot-proof the house. I’ll admit we were a little conflicted in our priorities. While the man of the house focused on installing corner and edge guards emphasising on the safety of the baby, I nodded and mentally worked on my plan of action. However, my cause of concern was given away when I was caught smuggling out jars of scented candles, snow globes and other delicate items to more remote areas of the house. Or perhaps it had been the quick transition from serving dinner in Pyrex one night to florescent Hello Kitty bowls the next.

Clearly child proofing was a good idea and Amazon Prime seemed to agree with us. We began with the installation of the baby gate, moving on to baby locks, electrical outlet covers, door locks to prevent the baby from opening the door and pinch guards to prevent the baby from closing the door.

I pleaded not guilty. In my defence, baby Isaac here had just discovered gravity and was determined to confirm Newton’s law of Universal Gravitation. Meanwhile my adhesive inventory had dwindled and I was forced to repeatedly restock glue gun sticks, duct tape and other adhesives while googling ways to fix smashed lipsticks and candles.

Clearly child-proofing was a good idea and Amazon Prime seemed to agree with us. We began with the installation of the baby gate, moving on to baby locks, electrical outlet covers, door locks to prevent the baby from opening the door and pinch guards to prevent the baby from closing the door. It even made a strong case for the contractor-grade roll of HDX barricade tape until our credit card bill stepped in to draw the line. We then had to get creative and resort to a few DIYs. Never underestimate the true potential of YouTube tutorials, a roll of duct tape and a determined mother.

Finally we stood back and declared our throne baby safe and hazard-free. We were satisfied with our efforts and pleased with the end result. That was until we tripped over baby gates, fidgeted with complicated door locks and tried to retrieve objects from cabinets that had been sealed shut by baby locks that refused to unlock. Maybe we should have thought this whole thing through and bought the barricade tape instead.

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 12th, 2017