Sarah and Maria study in the same class. Two days ago, they gave a science test. When they get the result, Sarah has a big red ‘D’ on her paper. She is shocked. She simply can’t believe it. She had worked so hard for this test; she definitely deserved a better grade.

This is so unfair, she thinks. It is the teacher’s fault. Firstly, she made a tough paper that had questions out of the syllabus. Secondly, she failed Sarah because she never liked her. It is all because of the teacher, not Sarah. The more Sarah blames the teacher, the angrier she becomes.

When Maria gets the paper, the big red ‘D’ glares at her. She is disappointed because she had studied really hard for this test. What went wrong then? Where did she make mistakes? She scans the paper and realises she hadn’t studied some topics properly. Next time, she would give extra time to them. She decides to discuss her paper with her teacher and see how she can improve.

disappointed because she had studied really hard for this test. What went wrong then? Where did she make mistakes? She scans the paper and realises she hadn’t studied some topics properly. Next time, she would give extra time to them, she thinks. She decides to discuss her paper with her teacher and see how she can improve.

Both Sarah and Maria are in the same situation. They have the same teacher, gave the same test and got the same result. Where is the difference? It is in the way they respond to the situation. Sarah took all the blame off herself and put it on the teacher. She lost all control and surrendered to the situation. She chose the easier way. She is the ‘reactive’ type.

What did Maria do? Quite the opposite. She immediately took control of the situation and looked for shortcomings on her part. Instead of blaming the teacher, while whining and ruining her mood for the rest of the day, she took responsibility for her own performance, even though it was a tougher choice. Maria is the ‘proactive’ type.

Which of the two girls do you think would perform better in the next test? My guess is Maria, because it is the proactive people who get better results with time, not the reactive ones (most of the times).

How do you respond to things most of the time? Many have these responses: “My teacher is always after me”; “My brother keeps ruining my day”; “Why does this always have to happen to me?”; “Why can’t she ever let me be happy?”; “I knew the answers but there was so little time” and “This is so unfair!”

Most of us like to be reactive. Why? Because being reactive is easy. It gives you a false sense of satisfaction and superiority. It means there is nothing more for you to do because you have already shoved everything off your shoulders. It makes you feel safe.

Proactive people deal with things in a different way. It’s not that they are born with superpowers or extraordinary qualities, they are human beings too. But they have better things to do than let someone ruin their day. Given the same situation as everybody else, they don’t blame others, whine or complain, instead they look out for what they can do about the situation because they feel responsible for their own lives.

They do not think anybody else is responsible for what happens to them. They do not just sit there and wait for things to happen; they take action. They do not respond based on temporary feelings or emotions, rather they think before they act. It is how they choose to see the situation and respond to it that makes them different.

Wait a second, you might think ‘Does that mean I am not allowed to feel angry or sad, and just act like an emotionless robot?’

Of course not. You are allowed to feel everything because you are a human being. It’s just about not letting those feelings take control of you, but rather you take control of them. Instead of saying, “I had a row with my friend because I couldn’t help being angry,” see how you can control your anger.

When acting on the basis of our feelings, we often say or do things we later regret. The truth is, it is very easy to act like a victim, blame others, get angry and complain. Every other person does this. Every other person thinks life is unfair only to them, people do wrong only to them, bad things happen only to them.

Let me tell you, bad things happen to everyone. Ask your friend, or your mum, or your next-door neighbour or a stranger on the street. All of them will tell you the same thing. If you look around, every single person is caught up in problems of some sort and that is all they focus on. Have you ever noticed what happens when you mention a problem to a group of friends? Immediately everyone gets started about how miserable their life is, how big their problems are and soon you find yourself amidst a pity party.

We tend to magnify our problems and overlook the possibilities and options available. In reality, it rains on all of us since we are all under the same sky. But some people choose to carry an umbrella, while some choose to get wet in the rain.

Whatever situation you are in, you always have some degree of control. In every situation, there is always something you cannot do as well as something you can do. Focus on what you can, instead of what you can’t. The least you can do is control your emotions. If the teacher favours the other girl over you, the least you can do is mind your own business, focus on your own self instead of resenting the teacher and that girl. Your negative emotions consume your energy, not anybody else’s.

Victor E. Frankl was one of those people who suffered in the terrible Nazi concentration camps during World War II. Fortunately, he survived and later wrote a book about his experiences in the camps.

In his book, he writes: “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last pieces of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of his freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”.

You can’t become proactive in a few weeks. It’s a habit that develops with time. But you can start somewhere and here are some tips to help you get started:

• Keep a check on what you say. Look out for reactive language and replace it with proactive language.

• The next time you find yourself starting to boil, take a deep breath and pause. Don’t say or do anything until you have thought carefully over it.

• Consider all the options you have in a situation and choose carefully.

• When someone tries to test your patience, keep your cool. Stay silent or walk away.

• Don’t wait for things to happen to you. Go out and do them.

• When you have a problem with someone, instead of sulking over it, discuss it with them and see what happens.

• If you have reactive people around you, try to stay away from them. Their negative energy can get into you no matter how hard you try to resist.

• Surround yourself with proactive people or be alone.

Practice the above things for 30 days and see what happens. If it doesn’t make any difference, keep trying.

It is up to you how much you allow people or situations to control you. Being proactive can feel like forcing something really bitter down your throat, but it always pays off in the end. Whether you choose to be proactive or reactive wouldn’t make any difference to anyone, but all the difference to you.

Benefits proactive people get that reactive people don’t:

• Nobody can control them. They are the drivers of their own life.

• They feel happier than most people and have less to worry about.

• They also have little to regret since they take action after careful thinking.

• They are usually the ones who make things happen instead of waiting for things to happen to them. They get more done than most people.

• They tend to have better relationships since they are not easily offended.

• They increase their chances of success.

Published in Dawn, Young World, April 28th, 2018