Like all of you everywhere, we spent our entire last Saturday glued to our television screens gawking at Meghan Markle, our favourite biracial American divorcee with a career, gliding into an English castle on the organic-cotton wings of an all-female choir of angels. Between trying to compose gushing-but-catchy tweets and feeling let down by Priyanka Chopra’s outfit, we managed to jot down the six things you absolutely need to know if, for some tragic and unfathomable reason, you missed the Royal Wedding of the most modern woman of our time:

BFF Sisters-in-Law

Even though Kate was a glorified babysitter at the wedding, we know the new sisters-in-law are BFFs: “Kate and Meghan have become best friends,” a source tells us. “Meghan is just thrilled to have another young woman by her side who can show her the ropes, and Kate is so excited to have a girlfriend in the royal family.” True, Kate knows Meghan’s hair is shinier and her smile is smile-ier. Kate knows she herself started dressing like an 80-year-old lady 24 hours after getting engaged, and that Meghan will do no such thing, because Meghan is a biracial American divorcee with a career. Kate knows that Kate + William barely look at each other in public while Meghan + Harry snuggle and make goo-goo eyes. Still, Kate loves Meghan, and Kate’s wedding gift to her was one half of a heart-shaped pendant (she will flush the other half down the toilet.)

No Fruitcakes At This Wedding

Because she is a biracial American divorcee with a career, Meghan opted not to have a fruitcake! We’re told by the internet that it’s been a few hundred years since an English royal wedding hasn’t had a fruitcake. Meghan’s cake was lemon and elderflower, had only three-and-a-half tiers, and was arranged kind-of horizontally, not vertically — ­so non-hierarchical! — its organic lemons handpicked on the Amalfi coast by grass-fed farmers, its wild elderflower foraged by the cake-maker herself from an English forest — so local!

The Dress Was White

THE DRESS was — as we had exclusively shared with you prior to the wedding — white! As a reminder, this scoop had been provided to us on deep background by a Kensington Palace source, who had also shared with us, exclusively, that THE DRESS would be floor-length, that it would be by a major couture house or an independent design studio, and that the designer would be American or British or European. All of this turned out to be astoundingly accurate reporting. Because Meghan so deeply values both tradition and innovation, her look was classic with a modern twist, obvi. Also, because Meghan is a biracial American divorcee with a career, THE DRESS was not made of lace. Our source has now also shared with us, exclusively, that on the instructions of female Givenchy artistic director Claire Waight Keller, it was sewn in India by women from an arts-and-crafts nonprofit dedicated to their financial and emotional empowerment. Either way, THE DRESS reveal was the biggest moment of the decade since we worried about how thin Kate was looking in her wedding dress while our boyfriends ogled Pippa’s ass.

Father Figures

Meghan’s father-in-law, not her father, walked her down in the aisle. Meghan was able to pivot to this unconventional solution last-minute because she is a biracial American divorcee with a career. And because her father let a paparazzo follow him around to KFC and a tux store, so she called him up stat to shut that kind of stuff down. But Meghan still loves her father deeply, a source tells us, and which little girl doesn’t want her daddy to walk her down the aisle and transfer her to her husband on this, the most important day of her life? So please refrain from making rude remarks about Thomas Markle trying to snag his bit of the goldmine.

The Only Curry At the Wedding

Because Meghan is a biracial American divorcee with a career, we only fell asleep for 60 percent of the service and got to belt out “Stand by Me” as if we were back in secondary school singing to unrequited crushes. During Michael Curry’s sermon we worried, though, that the Duke of Edinburgh would have a heart attack, or that the bishop would knock over one of the candles on his dais and set THE DRESS’s six seams on fire.

Career Change

Meghan will now focus on philanthropic work, following in the footsteps of her late mother-in-law, who was also a breath of fresh air three decades ago. Megan is, a source tells us, happy to take a step back from her acting and blogging career to take on roles more suitable for a Royal, and also to be by Harry’s side as he champions the causes so close to his heart. That said, she will always be a biracial American divorcee.

Phew.

The writer is a former member of staff

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 27th, 2018