“If I were to remarry my husband, I would make sure to add a clause on my nikahnama (marriage agreement) that ‘I do not want to live in a joint family’,” says 32-year-old Shamaila Abdullah. A homemaker and mother of two kids, Shamaila has been living in a joint-family system with her in-laws and husband for five years.

“Every day it is as though I am walking a tightrope, one mistake and I am subjected to callous taunts and ridicule. It seems my in-laws are against everything I do, which includes the way I eat, the way I raise children, how I do chores, everything,” adds Shamaila.

Shamaila had a ‘love’ marriage with her husband who was her colleague in a bank where she worked for three years before she said yes to his proposal. Both parties agreed to this arrangement and everything seemed fine. “But,” she says, “after the wedding, my in-laws have [consistently] been pointing out flaws in me.”

Asra Faisal, a housewife and mother of two kids, has been living in a joint family for six years. “It was an arranged marriage and my husband’s mother was the one who pursued this match. However, after marriage, everything changed,” says Asra. Before tying the knot, she says she was outspoken and with a lively personality, but has changed since. “Now, I am a meek person with no self-esteem. I remain in constant fear and tension, and sometimes I feel that somewhere in the process, I have lost myself.”

As more and more women choose not to live in joint families, opinion is divided on the pros and cons of the traditional structure

Shamaila and Asra are among the many women who are unhappy living with an extended family under one roof. What makes this set-up difficult for women?

Sabin Jawed, a clinical psychologist, thinks that a primary reason is that, “Women want independence in decision-making and in other activities of their personal life and they are denied their due right.” What usually happens is that once women are married, they are expected to obey their in-laws and involve them in everything. This means no more personal freedom for them, adds Sabin.

“Living in a joint family can be challenging because you need to think of everybody even in simple things such as deciding a menu, eating in or out as well as going out,” says Shaharbano Mudassir, a nine-to-five corporate employee, a blogger and mother of two toddlers.

Sabin feels that life in a joint family gets difficult when a working woman has to take full responsibility of household chores and her job as well. Add to that, the lack of privacy within the household makes her situation worse.

Shahrbano agrees with Sabin saying that ,since she lives in a joint family, she has to think twice before stepping out of her room, and has to be cautious about how she carries herself. “Since the habits and tastes of family members of a large household may be different, co-existence becomes difficult. Finding that right kind of balance, I would say, is a major challenge,” she says.

“My father-in-law is a retired person,” Shamaila says. “Since he is home all the time, he interferes a lot in household chores. The most annoying thing I face is fat shaming from both my mother-in-law and father-in-law because I have gained weight after my second baby. It upsets me to no end.”

Sabin believes such stress factors depend on the size of the family, the health of the parents-in-law and the availability of house-help.

Pros

Despite the tricky situation women may find themselves in, there are advantages, too, of having the support a joint family system provides. Shela Khatoon, an educationist by profession and a mother of three, says, “My in-laws are cooperative and, therefore, I am able to pursue my higher studies. When I go out, I do not worry about the children because I know they are in caring hands.” Shela recalls when she was pregnant and her husband worked late, her in-laws, including younger sisters-in-law, never let her feel lonely. They gave her company and looked after her in every possible way.

Muzna Fahd, a stay-at-home mother, believes that when you are living in a joint family, household chores get divided. “I live with my parents-in-law and my husband’s two brothers and their wives,” says Muzna. With no domestic help available, she and her sisters-in-law have divided household tasks amongst the three of them. “With work divided, I don’t have to stress about my husband and four-year-old daughter’s food while breastfeeding my young son,” she says.

And it seems men often prefer living in a joint family. Shehzeel Hayat, a counsellor by profession, thinks the reason behind that is a matter of convenience. When living in a joint family, there is no financial pressure on one individual; rather expenses can be divided among brothers or uncles, given that there is no conflict. Hayat also feels that one doesn’t feel lonely and there is always someone you can talk to and share your problems with.

It certainly has been a positive experience for Faisal Idrees, a father of two kids. He says, “There is a great help in terms of paying utility bills and house maintenance expenses.” Idrees works at a private firm from eight in the morning till eight in the evening. “I usually don’t have to stress about buying groceries, picking my older son from school and other miscellaneous stuff that is usually taken care of by my father and younger brothers,” he says.

Nouman Usman, a former lecturer at Newports Institute of Communications and Economics, says, “I am an extrovert and need people around me. Sitting at the dinner table and doing gupshup [chit chat] with cousins is the most cherished moment for me, in addition to playing with my small nieces and nephews.”

Changing family dynamics

Pakistani families are mostly patriarchal and large, where family elders make major decisions regarding marriage, career, etc., for all family members. Increasingly, however, urbanisation, social pressures and economic migration are leading to a trend towards nuclear families, which comes with its own set of issues. A study titled “Role of Family System, Positive Emotions and Resilience in Social Adjustment among Pakistani Youth,” published in the Journal of Educational, Health and Community Psychology in 2017, states that the joint family system provides social and financial support to its members. However, due to less independence in decision-making, young people generally face problems in having personal space and freedom of choice.

According to sociologists, the concept of joint family dates back to time immemorial. It was usually prevalent in Asian countries where families used to have big businesses which were headed by the men in the family; women did not work outside the house and were dependent on their husbands.

However, in recent times, there has been a decrease in the prevalence of joint families, mainly because after getting married most women prefer to live in a nuclear family (with husband and children only).

Saira Haider, an MPhil student in media studies, says that living in a small family is more conducive to developing good relations with your in-laws because living under the same roof is more likely to cause conflicts among family members.

Challenges of raising children

Shahrbano believes that, in a joint system, disciplining kids becomes an issue. Grandparents may indulge children at times when a mother wants to be firm with her children. “Though their intentions are good, grandparents sometimes get carried away, and spoil the children. For example, I have set a few rules for sleep as well as play time but my mother-in-law and father-in-law, out of love, let the children play past their bedtime. Similarly, when my kids are with their grandparents, they can eat as much candy as they want to.”

For Asra, the most difficult task in kids’ upbringing is how to prevent them from becoming too mature before their time. “My mother-in-law asks my four-year-old daughter about our whereabouts. As a consequence, she has become a mini reporter which I am not fond of.”

Shamaila believes that a third person should never be involved in a mother-and-child relationship, especially when parents are trying to discipline their children. “My in-laws criticise me whenever I speak English with my kids. Petty issues such as my child wanting Nutella on toast or to sleep late do not go down well with my in-laws.”

Sabin thinks that a joint family may be a suffocating environment for a mother to raise her children in. “If children are constantly rebuked by paternal grandparents, the ideal situation is to get that kid out of that environment. Pretend that you are taking action against your child’s mischief and take them to a room, and explain their mistakes. This is a good way to discipline kids over three years of age.”

On the other hand, if grandparents are involved in proper disciplining of kids, it’s a great support for mothers. One can see the development of social skills, such as sharing as well as self-confidence, adds Sabin.

While elaborating the benefits for a child living in a joint family, Shazeel says that grandparents are like a support system. They play a significant role in moulding the character of the child. The valuable life lessons that grandparents impart to kids through storytelling can help them cope with real-life challenges in future. Children learn moral values, patience, kindness and compassion by observing elders in the family.

Sabin concurs with Shazeel, adding that children who live in a joint system learn to speak early, are more social and emotionally strong compared to the ones living in a nuclear family.

Managing the balance

Looking at the problems women face in a joint system, how can they stay happy and sane? Faisal believes the key to any relationship is good communication. This is a two-way street where both parties should be flexible, accepting and allow each other the freedom to think and decide.

Sabin points out that the onus of balance in the family lies in the son’s hand. The son should talk to his mother. “I am not suggesting that they go and fight, but keep a healthy discussion going to keep the house in order,” she says. “Since women need to vent, it’s better to talk to the husbands. However, if the husbands are not listening, women can talk it out with their own mother or sister for catharsis.”

Considering extreme cases, where women cannot vent and are suffering from depression, psychologists advise finding a workplace as an escape. For stay-at-home mothers, it is best to adopt a hobby, like painting, knitting, gardening or writing. Playing with children as well as yoga or meditation is therapeutic and calms the mind and body.

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 3rd, 2019