“What are you wearing? What are you eating? What is the state of your room? Where are you going? Why are you going? How will you go? Who are you talking to?” ... and the questions are endless.

You have all heard this from one or both of your parents many times over. And now that everyone is staying home to stay safe, children’s and adults’ interactions have increased and the stress of this Covid-9 pandemic is getting everyone edgy.

What didn’t bother you generally is disturbing you now. And in response to the questions that you are bombarded with, followed by their opinions about everything happening in your life, you wonder, “Why are they trying to control my life? Why don’t they leave me alone?”

They are the ones to decide what breakfast you will eat, what books you will read, your hairstyle and even what you will wear to go to sleep. Your parents make all the decisions for you because they think that a child as young as you needs their assistance, guidance and protection. When you are older and mature, you can make your own decisions. That’s their understanding of the situation.

Eventually, you will grow up and make your decisions about everything in your life. You will develop your identity and have your own thoughts, opinions and values. That will be a time when your parents will start making adjustments with this new person who has his or her own ideas and plans. In fact, there will be adjustments from your side too. You want to stay up late, but they want you to sleep early. You want to put up posters in your room, but they want clean walls. You want your own mobile phone, but they think it is unnecessary.

These adjustments may create some fighting between the two sides: parents and children. But you have to think in a different way or they have to tell you in a different way that when you want to stay up late watching a movie, it is okay for you do that, but they would rather you slept on time so that you are fresh for the study you need to do the next day.

You may feel that they are not giving you your space and that they don’t respect you. Parents get angry because they feel they are losing control and they might even disagree with you on certain issues because you are a bit young to be deciding what is right for you and what isn’t.

Conflicts, arguments and hurt feelings may take place. The more complicated issues there are, the more complicated the conflicts will be. If you want to go to a certain party and are being disallowed, it is because your parents know how vulnerable and impressionable you are at this age. They might allow you to do this kind of stuff when you are older and they feel you are more responsible and reliable to go to a party all by yourself or even with your friends. The one thing you always need to remember is that there are not two sides, there is no versus, there is just one team, you and your parents are one team working on making your life a better one. They always want your protection, safety and well-being.

Whether there are small or big arguments, they will get better when your parents learn and realise that you are capable of looking after yourself and hence have a right to your opinions and ideas. So, in other words, you have to prove that responsibility and reliability in yourself for them to feel comfortable to go with your decision.

The key here is to communicate, communicate and communicate the best you can. Tell them about your life, friends, aspirations, wishes, desires, what you like and what you don’t like. This will make your relationship strong with them. They are on your side, not your enemies. Making them understand your point of view is what should be your target.

As long as there are no lies or ambiguity, your parents will have a crystal clear picture of you, which will help them fork out a path for you so that both of you are happy and comfortable about it. This can take a long time, but you will have to keep working on it. It is not impossible.

For example, if you are willing to run an errand for them or tidy up your room so that you can be rewarded with being allowed to play a game a little longer than usual, it can be worked out between you and your parents. Your parents have been children and teenagers and they have bunked classes, made a few mistakes, failed in tests, missed deadlines and have pretty much done everything that you do or aspire to do.

And lastly, there is a thin line between discussion and argument. If you stay calm and at discussion level, chances are you will get what you want from them. Remember, they too are tired with all the chores they have to do for you, your siblings, the house and themselves too. They are the ones running their own lives, as well as your life. The energy going into heated arguments with lots of anger is just wasted energy.

Read and use the following tips so that you avoid an argument, and achieve what you have to or reach a compromise or make a deal that suits everyone by staying within discussion level.

Tips to win arguments with parents

• Think about what you want to say to them.

• Write down in steps what you have to say to them.

• Write down the questions that you want to ask them.

• Be respectful.

• Explain your point of view calmly.

• During the argument, both before and after, remain calm.

• After you have said what you want, also have the patience to carefully listen to what your parents have to say.

• Respect your parents’ views. They deserve your love and respect even if you are finding it difficult because you have just been told about some punishments such as household chores or cutting down on your free time.

• Keep your voice lowered at all times, do not shout.

• Do not be tempted to show angry behaviour, like tearing up stuff, kicking things or hitting anything.

• Remember that your parents love you and care for you.

• Don’t tell lies or keep the truth from them.

• Stick only to the topic at hand. Bringing up past hurts or issues will not help anyone move forward.

• Logically build a case for yourself with good reasoning.

• Stay talking until a decision is taken. Door slamming, crying or running away will not help things at all.

Published in Dawn, Young World, April 25th, 2020