Ans Khurram was to fly to the United States on May 6, in time to spend Eid ul Fitr with his wife, who is studying at a university there. But his plans were thrown in disarray when all international travel was suspended in the wake of the coronavirus outbreak.  

The 28-year-old Ans was married in October 2018. He had met Fatima Zahid in Islamabad at an event, fallen in love with her and the two were married soon after. Within a year of their marriage, however, Fatima had to leave the country to pursue higher education in Boston. 

Having been in a long-distance relationship since September 2019, Ans and Fatima had built a routine to keep in touch. But with the lockdowns, the usual routine faltered. With the work-from-home policy put into effect, contacting each other became a struggle for the young couple.

Post-lockdown Ans used to call Fatima every day during his commute to and from work, but as offices pushed employees to work from home, they initially found themselves finding it hard to make contact. 

Ans’ wife, Fatima, explained via a voice note how the couple’s communication habits changed as the lockdown prolonged. “With Ans being home all day, he had to tend to his family and work as well,” she says. “Initially, it was a struggle [to find private time] but we managed to find our groove. In fact, we spoke more than we used to post the lockdown,” she adds.

The lockdowns across the globe have disrupted daily habits and future plans for many couples, whether married or unmarried. How are individuals closing the distance between themselves and their partners?

On the other hand, her husband was not as concerned about having constant communication with Fatima. Rather, he was more worried that Fatima lived alone and the lockdown imposed across some states in the US had restricted her mobility. “Her semester had ended recently, so I tried to encourage her to do more activities,” says Ans. “But there was only so much she could do.”

“It had been four months since we last met,” says Ans. He had travelled to the US in late December to celebrate New Year’s with his wife. “There was no certainty as to when I would be able to meet her next.”

Special flights bringing back Pakistani citizens from abroad were allowed to operate by the government but to get a seat was difficult as they often got cancelled and people had to pay double the price for a one-way ticket.

It was not until 12 days before Eid-ul-Fitr that Fatima was able to travel back to Pakistan to be with Ans. The 26-year-old found a flight with the national carrier and landed in Pakistan on May 12. 

But being in the virtual space enabled their relationship to grow stronger. “We had our emotional breakdowns and when Ans felt I was having a bad day, he left me letters to wake up to,” Fatima admits. This was a new side to her husband she saw for the first time. He found different and romantic ways to be there for her more than before. “It is maybe because he felt sad that I was alone,” she now reflects. 

Twenty-year-old Ahmed* did manage to board a flight back — from Amsterdam to Karachi — right in time to be with his family before the lockdown was implemented. But he still has another issue. He has now been back for about three months but has not been able to meet his girlfriend, Sara*, even once. 

Ahmed and Sara started dating a year before he left for Amsterdam to pursue his university education. The last time they met was in January. “Even then, we could only meet once because our travel plans coincided,” Sara says. In January the 19-year-old travelled to the US with her sisters, while Ahmed was in Karachi to meet his parents. “But now it is more frustrating to realise that he lives 20 minutes away and yet we are unable to meet.”

Openly dating is frowned upon by conservative Pakistan and Ahmed and Sara, like many other young couples, often find themselves hiding their relationship and meeting one another only in gatherings, with friends around. However, keeping an important part of their lives hidden makes it even more difficult for individuals in relationships to express how the distancing makes them feel. 

On the one hand, there is anxiety pertaining to the lockdown and the coronavirus pandemic, and, on the other, there is also frustration about not being able to meet your partner, the person in whose presence you find solace. The need to hide those emotions makes one even more vulnerable to the uncertainty of the current situation.

Individuals then often turn to expressing themselves and talking about their emotional predicament in private groups on Facebook. These groups are often created to provide a safe space, where people can open up in private and are not judged for their choices. Recently, many women — young and old — in one such private group discussed their feelings that, while the virtual contact exists, their relationships do not feel the same as before. Being physically with each other is integral, they say. To share the same physical space allows emotions to be shared without the need for putting them in words. 

I had come across Sara’s post on one such private group too. She had written that not only is it difficult to meet her boyfriend, it has also become a task to stay connected. “Both of us are always surrounded by our families,” she later tells me in an interview. “Earlier, he was four hours behind [my time zone] and lived alone in his apartment in Amsterdam, so it was easy to call and talk to him,” says the 19-year-old.

Considering that both of them live in the same city now, Sara mentions that she once asked him to go grocery shopping with her, only to be refused. “It was disappointing, because here I am finding ways for us to meet and he just plainly says no.”

She acknowledges there is a lack of emotional support in their relationship. Her only way of coping with the new reality of physical distancing, she says, is to make herself believe that her boyfriend is still 5,681 kilometres away in Amsterdam. 

The denial of our reality sometimes helps us cope with things around us, especially when the world seems scary outside. The lockdown restrictions have eased in Pakistan and things seem to be springing back to action with shops — even ones selling non-essential items — opening up during designated hours. But there are a few businesses that are still not allowed to reopen, such as marriage halls. 

This is a source of anxiety for 27-year-old Adeela Akmal. 

“I had taken leave from work on March 15, just a few days before my wedding was scheduled,” says Adeela, who works at a local media publication in Karachi. “But the very next day, it was announced that all marriage halls would be shut. I clearly remember it was Saturday and I woke up to my dad pacing around the corridor, worried.”

Adeela and Ali had held an intimate nikaah ceremony at an Imambargah in Karachi on August 19, 2019. The rukhsati was scheduled for March 27 this year, followed by a reception. But then everything was cancelled at the last minute. 

“We were really looking forward to the festivities and counting down the days every time we saw each other,” says Adeela. “The wedding reception was going to be a way to celebrate my happiness with my entire family and all my friends, as I had invited only a few select guests to the nikaah ceremony.” 

Initially, the couple hoped things would soon go back to normal and they would be able to start their married life together, but it was the day of their wedding when Adeela says she felt really upset. “I had a sinking feeling. I was excited and ready to start this new chapter, but now there’s just more wait,” she shares.

Currently, the journalist finds herself torn between wanting to have a small-scale rukhsati now with a grand reception to follow later or to just wait it out until things go back to normal. 

“We have always been together, so not being together at such a time is really frustrating for us both. We are basically each other’s rock and talk about our feelings whenever we need to,” she says. “I feel talking about the situation really helps,” she adds.

It is trust that builds a relationship, but often building that trust requires communication and the presence of two individuals regardless of the distance. “The key ingredients, regardless of your physical distance, include empathy and respect,” says Karachi-based psychologist Yumna Zafar Usmani.

In our society, we learn little about how to build a strong relationship with a significant other, and the intimate dynamics between two individuals are not always given attention. Matrimony, in-laws and starting a family are usually discussed in more detail and more openly than the bond between a couple. 

We grow up looking at relationships around us — of our parents, aunt and uncles — which are often arranged marriages set up by family elders. Such couples come together having little to no knowledge about one another.

Picking up from the gaps and friction you see in relationships around, you promise to do better in your own romantic relationships. To be open and vulnerable, to communicate to build trust, to plan in advance, because pop culture makes you believe that you only get one chance at love. Be smart, be attentive, even picking up hints from your significant other’s body language. 

But then it all comes to a halt. Not because of your own inadequacies, but because the global situation impacts your personal, most intimate, aspects of life.

You and your partner are now stuck in a screen, looking at each other and trying to keep the conversation, and relationship, going. You don’t want the silence to get as loud as the one you find between couples sharing the same roof as you.

‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ is a proverb often used to describe couples apart, but sometimes you get too comfortable in the absence. “Too much physical space should not be an excuse to let go of certain responsibilities that come along with being in a relationship,” says Usmani.

Loving and just existing during a global pandemic is difficult because, as Usmani mentions, the anxiety produced by the prevalent times may result in individuals distancing themselves from their partners in order to cope with the uncertainty and change. “However, a reinforcement of why the relationship is important, and an indication of how healthy the partnership is, can be key to get through this time,” she adds. “Be compassionate of your needs and don’t ignore the needs of the relationship,” says Usmani.

Adeela and Ali are making most of what they have as they meet for walks on the street, wearing masks and walking at a safe distance from each other, but close enough to be able to hold a decent conversation. 

Later, they resort back to the virtual space, finding time for one another. Like many other couples forced to stay apart, they also make hypothetical plans about where they might be a year down the line.

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 7th, 2020