The world appears in perpetual conflict these days, and the only way to help it achieve any semblance of peace and tranquility is to write a self-help book.

The Republic of Cliftonia’s leading politician and intellectual, National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr has done just that. His latest offering, entitled Egotesticle Nirvana, has become a huge hit with the denizens of Cliftonia, as it provides them with an elixir devised to calm their inner turmoil.

We provide exclusive excerpts from the bestseller:

The universe is a simple place. It functions on one very basic rule. If you master that rule, you will achieve nirvana before even nirvana has realised that it has been achieved by you.

National Hope & Icon Nazir Jr’s latest self-help book is meant to help his Cliftonian brethren deal with inner turmoil and achieve nirvana-like calm

The secret, my dear cultists, is this: feed your ego. Feed it like there’s no tomorrow. Never forget: only a well-fed ego can restore balance to your universe. (If you don’t believe me, ask brother Gen GHQ).

Following are a few pearls of wisdom that dropped from my mouth when I was high on nirvana last Tuesday. If you follow them, you will not go far wrong in life.

• Always ingest before pontificating, for ingestion is the key to a container-load of wisdom.

• When a hedgehog turns blue, do not give it mouth to mouth resuscitation, for that can result in prickly lips.

• When the ego wants more, give it.

• When expressing gratitude to the ego, always thank it from the heart of your bottom.

• U-turns are the ego’s way of saying ‘Who Cares’.

• Deodorise your aura every Wednesday.

• As a wise man once said: “Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long.” Listen to the wise.

• The circumference of a man’s character is known by the depth of his radius.

• Abusing your adversaries in public is a sign of a highly educated and cultured ego.

• Faux humility is for the weak, except when practised by a great egotistical.

• Learn to adjust your belt when no one is looking.

• A hair transplant is the highest form of ego realisation.

• When an aardvark is hungry, it shares its food the moment it has satiated itself. When an ego is hungry, it defecates at a public rally to satiate itself. Be like the ego if you wish to achieve nirvana like me.

• Use the month of September to exfoliate with abandon.

• When meditating, stop at all the traffic lights you ignore while driving.

• Never read anything that you disagree with, for, in trying to understand an issue, you risk broadening your mind. Such a mind can prove detrimental to the ego.

• Empathy is for the feeble.

• Engaging in a conversation must always be done with the aim of producing winners and losers. If it doesn’t achieve that aim, it is a complete waste of time. It only means one thing and that is you are not a real man.

• Be comfortable with your lies. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie through your molars. Lie through your incisors. Lie through your dentures. For the sake of your ego, lie like there’s no tomorrow.

• Eat as much as you can before going to the gym of your ego, for the ego likes to barf when displaying its imagined strength.

• Always wear sunglasses when receiving guests at home. Apart from showing what a classy, respectful host you are, it gives the visitors an idea of what you were up to the night before.

• No natural disaster is bigger than your ego.

• No nation is more important than your ego.

• No giraffe is taller than your ego.

• No ocean is deeper than your ego.

• No mountain is higher than your ego.

• No honey is sweeter than your ego.

• Always ensure that others pick up your tab. Paying for your way of life with your own funds is slow poison for the ego.

• Possessing an offshore account soothes the ego. Denying it in public soothes it even more.

• Try to spend at least three weeks every year in Gstaad. It strengthens the ego and regularises bowel movements.

• The ego does not believe in accountability and accounts. Only the meek provide money trails for their acquisitions.

• Wearing flip-flops is to be shunned.

• Never forget: the ego is cranial and not chesticular.

• A wise man always reflects on the nether regions of his soul.

• Admit no responsibility for your actions. This allows your heart to remain young and your lawyer to make a living.

• Proclaim proudly that you are a danger to all around you. This revitalises the ego.

• Fill your words with venom, threats, insults and abuse for all who disagree with you, for this is the way of a true believer.

• Always take as sacred every word uttered by the Republic’s biggest ego.

• Cliftonia is blessed with pious, humble, multimillionaire revolutionaries who are the best repositories of a vibrant ego. Be like Cliftonia!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 11th, 2022