Dear Auntie,

I am friends with this guy that I really like. I have known him for four years. There were even some rumours about us. He used to help me a lot without me asking him.

I recently found out that he was engaged the whole time. He didn’t tell me or anyone and let my reputation go down. He wants to phone call me “as friends” seeking emotional support. All the time he talks about his achievements and how girls are into him.

I never had a male friend in my life. He doesn’t know that I know he is engaged. Why does he still want to stay in touch? He should call his fiancé-to-be instead. Am I right to feel betrayed and devastated? He tells everyone that we still talk and all, as though he is marking his territory or something.

Also, should I tell him when I get engaged in the future? I have plans to completely cut him off once I get engaged.

Feel Cheated

‘He doesn’t know that I know he is engaged’

Dear Feel Cheated,

A word to all the girls out there who like or love someone else’s fiancé or husband. I know the attraction is intense and uncontrollable but please, respect yourself and stop it. Despite knowing what you know, it is alarming that you still ‘really like’ this guy.

He has been comfortable with being engaged and also messing around with other girls. I feel sorry for the woman he will be marrying. Unless this man has an epiphany and starts to respect women, he will likely remain a cheat for life.

Not only is he a cheat, but he has deliberately kept things grey with you. Being ‘just friends’ but behaving like ‘more than friends’ is a tactic deployed by gaslighters to deliberately keep you confused about the status of your relationship. Letting rumours circulate is another example of this. This man has never clarified whether you are just friends or more, so you can’t justify any feelings of betrayal. If you tell him you feel lied to and betrayed, he can turn around and ask, ‘But why? We were not going out.’

He sounds nasty and you shouldn’t wait to get engaged in order to cut him off. You should cut him off today, this very instant. Go cold on him and stop taking his calls and responding to his messages. Confuse him in return for once.

If he let your reputation go down without setting the record straight with rumour-mongers, ask yourself whether this guy really does care about you. If he did, he would have clarified that you two are just friends. Why do you even like this guy? He has done nothing that is likeable. He is betraying his fiancée. He is letting rumours fly about you and him. He is also narcissistic, because he thinks many women are after him. Why do you like him?

He sounds nasty and you shouldn’t wait to get engaged in order to cut him off. You should cut him off today, this very instant. Go cold on him and stop taking his calls and responding to his messages. Confuse him in return for once. Emotional support over phone calls? Babe, you are the one who needs emotional support, to recover from him.

Girl, you have been saved. Finding out about his engagement is your good luck. Now learn from this experience. Move on and thank God you missed this bullet. It won’t be difficult to find someone better than a cheating, gaslighting narcissist.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 16th, 2022