Imran Khan has had some embarrassing audio clips come out lately. No, not just his televised speeches, those are embarrassing enough, but leaked private conversations too.

In one, he’s talking about fertile grounds for the names Mir Jafar and Mir Sadiq to be branded. Strange thing to make your first foray into the world of fashion with, but here we are.

There’s another where he can be heard saying “I have to say a ‘letter’ in front of the people, not a fax. They won’t understand a fax from the Foreign Office. It has to be made really, really simple, like my syllabus at Oxford was for me.”

In one clip he’s talking about buying out the loyalties of five people. “Horse Trading? I don’t have any to trade. Have you ever seen horses in my Bani Gala house?” Khan clarified.

There have been so many leaks from so many old politicians, maybe they should look for a doctor instead of security agencies. Incontinence is not rare at that age

He said these were all doctored clips and weren’t real, but he also wondered how the security agencies can wiretap a prime minister. “Under what law did they tape these conversations that are entirely fictional and did not take place at all?”

These comments demonstrate the phrase ‘having your cake and eating it too’ and he did have his cake. It was his birthday last week, after all, where he humbly ate a Black Forest cake. He’s been eating humble pie all year long, so why not.

At the Nankana Sahib rally on Tuesday, he humbly demonstrated how easy it is to fake audio clips by playing doctored ones. Then he took a humble oath in front of a humble man in front of a humble crowd, no one’s sure why.

Then he got into his humble bulletproof land cruiser with 6 other humble guys hanging onto it from both sides. Finally, he got into a humble helicopter and humbly flew away. A few days prior to that, Khan’s helicopter made an emergency landing in Adiala. Maybe it was faulty machinery, maybe the helicopter knows where all this will end and gave him the first tour.

Shahbaz Sharif and Raja Basharat also had audio leaks. In fact there have been so many leaks from so many old politicians, maybe they should look for a doctor instead of security agencies. Incontinence is not rare at that age.

In any case, Rana Sanaullah is pleased with the audio leaks investigations. The intelligence agencies have found that the intelligence agencies were not responsible for releasing the audio clips. They didn’t, however, say they made no recordings to begin with.

The investigation was still ongoing when a warrant was issued for Sanaulla’s arrest, though the police refused to arrest him. “Look, we’re trying to clean up our image over torture allegations, but I feel like putting him in jail will make everyone in there feel more tortured,” said one senior policeman. “He might be too uncivilised, even for us.”

Sanaullah just waved it off as a frivolous case against him. This would be the 200th frivolous case against the incumbent interior minister, who seems to be aiming for a place in the Guinness Book of Records.

Meanwhile, Maryam Nawaz has been acquitted in the Avenfield Apartments case and Captain Safdar has been acquitted in marrying-above-his-station case. This could also pave the way to Nawaz Sharif returning to Pakistan one day, when he finally finds his missing platelets.

Maryam Nawaz was asked about Khan boasting that the intelligence agencies used to call him and give him information about his corrupt political opponents, and why he was complaining now. “Well, he’s always crying isn’t he?” she said. “I’d be more concerned for him the day he doesn’t have anything to cry about.”

Former PTI stalwart Aleem Khan was in London to possibly meet with Nawaz Sharif as acquittals kept coming out for PML-N leaders. When reporters stopped him to ask about such a meeting, he told them to ask him about the weather instead, not politics. So they did, and he had to make a four-day forecast.

“Well, it looks clear, I don’t think it will rain today.” It did. “Well I’m not a meteorologist am I? Why the hell are you asking me about the weather?”

Parvez Elahi, who was also in the UK for a three-day visit, gave a press conference once he was back, standing up, when he found out somebody had stolen his desk while he was abroad.

Ishaq Dar is also back. To continue where he left off, wrestling with the dollar. Nobody’s sure how many numbers he’s fudged to do it, but so far he seems to be winning. In fact, just this week he left for the US to wrestle the dollar where it’s made. “I won’t return till it’s below 200 rupees, I can’t afford the return ticket,” he said.

Shahbaz Sharif was in Russia last month. The last time our PM went to Russia, Putin invaded Ukraine. I hope he picks a more tropical nation this time, it’s almost winter.

Joe Biden has assisted Ukraine financially through their toughest time, and will be happy to get boots on the ground if oil and gas prices start rising again. “Normally, when gas prices rise by a dollar, America invades and liberates a Middle Eastern country, but we can make an exception in this case and go to Ukraine instead,” he explained.

Shahbaz Sharif was also seen puzzled by his ministers and the inadequate Flood Relief Dashboard they were presenting last week. “My car’s dashboard looks better than this, where is the real time data? Have you ever seen my Dengue Dashboard?”

If anyone at a college or university is unsure about how their PowerPoint presentation is looking, they should get in touch with the PM Office immediately.

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 16th, 2022