The Education Ministry of Extra-Curricular Curriculums has finally granted official approval to a comprehensive list of questions to be used in school textbooks all across the Republic of Cliftonia.

Researched and compiled by a dynamic committee comprising retired military personnel, retired bureaucrats, retired judges and restored politicians, the list has been hailed as a masterpiece that is certain to elicit curiosity and provide wisdom to students, especially those from Class 8-B.

Eos is privileged to be a among a handful of publications provided with a copy of the list and is pleased to share some of the questions contained therein:

Mathematics

How many suos does it take to moto justice in Cliftonia? 

If 7 cargo trains, each carrying 1500 kilogrammes of top quality gulab jamuns, leave their respective stations at precisely 11:45 am, how long will it take the NLC [National Logistics Cell] to assume control over their routes and grab their gulab jamun business?

Eos gets access to a list of approved questions compiled for school textbooks by the upper echelons of the Republic of Cliftonia

A football match held in London last May drew a record crowd of 53,548 spectators, with 73 of them wearing orange underpants. Using your calculator, determine how many among them were named ‘Pythagoras’. 

If 11 two-year-olds can smoke 38 packs of cigarettes in 6.473 hours, how many packs can 6 three-year-olds smoke in 47.58 kilometres?

If X equals Y-3 and Y equals X-3, then how many miles are there in Q-3? (Round off your answer to the nearest millimetre).

Overseas Cliftonian Jimmy Jirga has worked as an investment banker for more than 10 years, drawing a meagre salary of $4.5 million a year. How many years will it take Jimmy to realise that he is nothing but a middle class, anti-status quo revolutionary?

What are two wings divided by a field marshall called?

How many Cliftonian messiahs does it take to save a republic?

Geography

How many continents are there in Cliftonia?

Which country borders Germany and Japan and knows more about Germany and Japan than the Germans and the Japanese know about themselves?

How many Nigerian rivers must one cross to get to the other side?

How many volcanoes are there in an isosceles triangle? 

Which European city’s financial sector launders the most drug money during the summer months?

Which five-star hotel in the lost city of Atlantis gave the best off-season discount rates?

What is the average temperature in the nether regions of a dual-national, expat revolutionary?

In what part of the country is Mount Ego, Cliftonia’s highest mountain, located?

General Science

How many litres of oxygen could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

In zoology, what is the study of a Donald Trump called?

What is the current state of chemistry between Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr and Gen GHQ?

Why does corruption suddenly become flammable when placed opposite the establishment?

How many planets are there in a Galaxy chocolate bar?

How strong is the misogyny gene in a right-wing adult human male who is not a robot?

How much energy does a flux capacitor need to operate successfully in a cantonment?

Compare and contrast the temperature of the hot gas emitted by the sun and that by a rightwing populist leader. 

Literature

How many science fiction movies did William Shakespeare write for George Lucas?

What was Wordsworth’s worth? Compare it to a DHA [Defence Housing Authority] corner plot, with reference to at least three Phase 5 real estate agents’ estimates.

In which famous ghazal does Ghalib extol the virtues of Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr?

How many stanzas are there in a dollar? 

How many registered book clubs are there in the state of California? Please provide the names and mobile numbers of their current and past presidents, the names of their pets, as well as their bank account details. 

Which Nobel Peace Prize aspirant wrote the constitution of Cliftonia and then threw it in the dustbin?

Which famous Cliftonian chief justice was based on a John Grisham novel?

Who were the Romantic poets and why weren’t you one of them?

History

In what year did His Glorious Majesty Pedro Cliftovar launch the first tax amnesty scheme for his family and friends in Cliftonia?

Which famous former Cliftonian premier spent most of his time visiting department stores and restaurants in London rather than his doctor?

How many Tipu Sultans, Duke of Wellingtons, Rommels, Paton and Saladins does it take to make one Cliftonian general?

Who is Boris Johnson and why?

During the famous Battle of Aitchisonia-Upon-Chenab, how many corner plots were won by Ghazi Brig (forcibly retd) Babbar ‘Bobby’ Niazi? 

How many anti-status quo Cliftonians does it take to make a Cliftonian status quo?

Write an essay on the great Cliftonian Celebrity Migration (CCM) to Canada.

Which irregularly regularised quintessential Cliftonian village draws its fame and name from a gala organised by a bunny?

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 30th, 2023