If you don’t count the crowns and the thrones and the palaces and castles and the lands and the titles and the estates and the carriages and all the jewels and treasures they’ve stolen from us in history shistry, the royal family is just like us all.

Okay, I admit not all of us have our faces on pound notes and BBC doesn’t show our dastaar bandis, but in everything we are exactly alike. Same to same dushmanis, same sarrhial saas and baaghi bahu, same fights and bag biting on the inside, same dikhava on the outside, same aasteen ke saanps, same petting order with some who more important and more richer and some who are ghareeb rellies and who know their place and look grateful.

But one thing I will say for the UK ki royal family bhai: they might be total fails at making good marriages, but they really know how to do tabahi weddings. Again, like us only.

Actually, they are not just good wedding planners, they are the world’s top event managers. Better even than Jalal Salahuddin or the couple in Made in Heaven. Just look how nicely the family did the queen’s janaaza (though they did leave her lying around for a little too long if you ask me; I was so scared she might go bad). But they did her quls nicely and look how nicely they did William’s shaadi and Meghan Market’s shaadi.

Obviously I don’t know the details about how much of food they gave and whether they distributed leftovers among the poors and how many jorras and sets were in the burry for the daughters-in-law and fruit and mithai for the in-laws and whether they gave jewellery also or just jorras to the samdhans — vaisay whatever they gave to Meghan tau I think they must have snatched back since long time back, including the fruit and mithai.

The festivities around the coronation of King Charles only drive home how similar the British royal family is to us desis…

Also I don’t know if the dance numbers were any good or what the moonh dikhaai was, but they ordered designer wedding jorras for the brides and foreign ke flowers in the church and took out their carriages and had ‘A-list’ guest list with lots of celebs and bore politicians.

And now look how nicely they’ve done Prince Charles, sorry King Charles ki crownation. With so much of dhoom dhaam and gaana bajana. Only problem was king was a little, you know, aged.

And the queen, she tau poor thing was a proper burrhiya. Even with her crown and gown and all, she still looked like a little burrhiya. Queens don’t look like queens, unless they are young and glamorous. Kings should also look handsome but, chalo, they can get away with having a little bit of grey hair and a few wrinkles, because it makes them look dignified and successful, but their wives must always look young and fresh baba.

Like Cinderella and Snow White. Only witches have grey hair and wrinkles. If you don’t believe me, open any story book and see for yourself. I tau couldn’t stop thinking about Diana Marhooma and how glam she would have looked on the throne. Obviously I know she would have been older now but, still, she would have been a blonde and beautiful celeb. Like Cate Blanket and Local Kidman.

Hai bechaari Diana. Went so young and without seeing anything. Not her sons’ weddings. Not her grandchildren. And now not even her crownation.

And also like all good desi family events, there was lots of politics behind the scenes na. Furgy was invited but only to the gaana bajana afterwards, like we invite distanced rellies only to the wedding and not to the mehndi.

And I think so there must have been a bit of too-too main-main between Anne and Queen Kamila because Anne looked so sarrhial — but then when does she not? Meghan wasn’t invited, in case, like Magnificent at Sleeping Beauty’s naming party, she puts a curse on them and puts everyone to sleep. Vaisay the King and Queen tau I could imagine, would like nothing better than to go to sleep with their hot water bottles and their flannel ke pajamas.

And even if Meghan had been invited and she’d arrived dressed to the mines, the gora newspapers would have said just look how shameless she is overdressing so much, trying to outstage our beloved Kate. And if she’d come in a simple sa jorra,

they would have said look how she didn’t bother this much even.

Just like Janoo’s sisters, Psycho and Cobra, do to me. So same to same, them and us.

The writer is a columnist and a satirist and has published six books previously, including the bestselling Social Butterfly series.
She tweets @Moni_butterfly

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 7th, 2023