June 25, 2023, Aitchisonia-Upon-Chenab: Cliftonians can now look forward to waking up every morning to spectacular views of the Sea of Tranquility.

This was stated by Baron Anon — one of the Republic’s greatest robber barons and the father of the field of Neo-feudalistic Real Estatism — at a special ceremony held at the Ritz Aitchisonia. 

The event was held to announce the launch of the Moon River Urban Development Projectile, a multibillion dollar undertaking aimed at the needs of Cliftonia’s most deserving dual-national multimillionaires who have, through sheer good luck and loan write-offs, played an extraordinary role in enriching themselves and their families for the sake of the country. 

Addressing members of the media, Baron Anon said that this project would be the very first of its kind to be built on the surface of the moon. Great care has been taken to ensure that only uninhabited regions of the lunar surface will be transformed into beautifully landscaped road networks, private mansions, nine-star hotels, glitzy shopping malls, 36-hole golf courses, artificial lakes served by space water tankers, inter-galactic shooting clubs and multi-cuisine Michelin-starred restaurants, turning the dark side of the moon into a veritable Cliftonia of our solar system.

The Baron said that it had been his childhood dream to live on the moon and to take his loved ones with him. He said that, since he truly believed that the Almighty loved him to the moon and back, the time had come to launch this mega-project for the benefit of humanity. Baron Anon’s own mansion, christened Moon River, will be the jewel in the crown of this exclusive lunar community.

A brand new, multibillion dollar, real estate scheme has been launched, to turn the dark side of the moon into a Cliftonia of the solar system…

“I have spent months upon months with my financial architects to finalise the design of Moon River, my humble abode,” he explained. “We have taken great care to keep it modest by making it wider than a mile, so that I can cross it in style some day.

“I have been obsessed with all things lunar ever since I was a baby robber baron. I have a great collection of lunar rocks, old lunar modules and an enormous jar of orange lunar soil, procured especially for me by former US President Donald Trump during his presidency. But this is going to be the apogee of my lunar obsession… my greatest lunacy, as it were.”

Also present on the occasion was National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr, Cliftonia’s leading politician and anti-status quo revolutionary and a close friend of the Baron.

“I’ve always considered the Baron a dream maker,” said Nazir Jr, the undisputed chairman of his own political party. “For me, he is a heartbreaker, too, and I’ve always told him that, wherever he’s going, I’m going his way. Because it’s like we are two drifters off to see the world and there’s such a lot of world to see… And now with this project, we are both after the same rainbow’s end, waiting round the bend, my Huckleberry friend, Moon River, and me!”

A few unpatriotic, pseudo-liberal Cliftonian environmentalists had initially expressed reservations about the project, especially with regards to whether the moon would be able to handle the addition of such high levels of lunacy to its lunar surface.

Speaking to Eos, Cliftonia Ali, Executive Director of the Cliftonia Environmental Protection And Real Estate Developmental Agency, said: “We have developed a special gauge to measure lunacy levels both here as well as on the moon. Our highly sensitive electronic measurement device has confirmed what we had suspected all along: lunacy levels begin to rise as one moves farther and farther away from ground realities.

“This bodes well for Cliftonians who wish to make their homes on the moon, since we have been blessed by nature with very high degrees of lunacy.”

“This project is the best example of genuine patriots promoting the soft image of our Republic,” said Brig (forcibly retd.) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi. “It showcases to the world the innovative qualities of our real estate magnates. It will create tonnes of jobs and unleash hundreds of our trustworthy and above-board real estate agents into the market. Like Fox News journalists and Wall Street investment bankers, Cliftonian real estate agents are known across the globe for their honesty and high morals.”

A number of prominent overseas patriots were also present at the launch, including Chico J, the well-known entrepreneur and political revolutionary based in Mayfair. Mr J said that, though he was proud to be an overseas Cliftonian, he had alway felt that he was never “overseas enough.”

This project will finally give him the chance to move as far away from what’s happening on the ground as possible. “I want to be the first ‘OverSeas of Tranquility’ Cliftonian in history! Get it? Ha! Ha! Ha!” he said.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 25th, 2023