September 17, 2023, Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab: In a much-anticipated development, members of a high-level team, comprising representatives of the Ministry of Finance, the State Bank of Cliftonia, and expat uncles from family Whatsapp groups, came to an agreement with officials from the International Monetary Fund (IMF) regarding an economic bail-out package for Cliftonia and its nether regions. 

Speaking exclusively to Eos right after the meeting, His Excellency Jimmy Jirga, Minister of Finance, Haberdashery and Mansplaining, said the government was very pleased with the results of the dialogue and that this agreement with the IMF will usher in a new era in Cliftonian dependency.

“Not a single one of the previous administrations was able to achieve what we have achieved,” he said. “Our government has succeeded in doing to ourselves what the IMF has been doing to us for the past seven decades. And for that, most, if not all of the credit must go to our prime minister, whose O’ level in economics has equipped him with the wherewithal necessary to negotiate deftly with the IMF,” he added.

The minister stated that the government had successfully presented a host of new proposals, which will not only increase the revenue destined for the nation’s coffers, but will also remove any doubts the public had in their minds about the intelligence level of the incumbent administration.

Patriotic hard-working Cliftonians from across Whatsapp groups have devised a plan to rescue the country’s flailing economy

“The opposition parties are likely to disagree with the arrangement we have arrived at with the IMF, but that’s par for the course. They never like anything I do. They only know how to criticise me. They have no idea how much it hurts. I really, truly believe that they say rude and horrible things about me only because they like to see me cry in public. Meanies!” he whimpered.

“While thinking totally out of the box, my team and I proposed new revenue-generating and cost-cutting ideas, which senior members of the IMF team were greatly impressed by and which they are keen to see implemented. Seeing as we are a government of anti-status quo revolutionaries, our agreement with the IMFundos contains the following rules, regulations and suggestions,” he said…

• All senior bureaucrats, members of the judiciary and military officers to be provided round-the-clock ATM services, with cash allowance provisions, in case they or their family members wish to order pizzas from Mama Joan’s.

• All outstanding debt to be serviced by chimpanzees well-versed in accountancy practices. 

• Foreign direct investment to be invested directly by foreigners.

• Interest rates to be decided every morning by members of the Retired Brigadiers Association of Cliftonia.

• Electricity charges to be increased as and when needed by the Republic’s establishment to set up new housing societies for the benefit of ordinary citizens, whose electricity charges have been increased by the Republic’s establishment in order to set up new housing societies for the benefit of ordinary citizens, whose electricity charges have been increased by the Republic’s establishment to set up new housing societies for the benefit of ordinary citizens, whose electricity charges have been increased.

• All children under the age of 10 to be brought into the tax net.

• Glaciers to be used in the production of organic popsicles.

• All bills above the 1,000 denomination to be demonetised, dehumanised, and demilitarised with immediate effect. 

• Senior officials of the State Bank of Cliftonia to set up poultry farms and rear buffaloes on the weekend.

• All citizens to reduce their carbon emissions while walking.

• The Cliftonia Space Research Commission to be decommissioned forthwith and allocated funds not utilised to be spent on birthday presents for members of the IMF negotiating team.

• Vegetables to be replaced by goats.

• All expenditure incurred in the development of private golf courses to be written off as Toshakhana gifts.

• Country director of the World Bank to spend Eid holidays with the president of the Republic.

• All schools to be permanently closed and replaced with no schools. 

• Eleven percent of the annual budget to be allocated to those making the annual budget.

• A proposed reduction of 93 percent in the population of poors who, despite the government’s best efforts, continue to breathe and produce carbon-dioxide, thereby ruining the environment for the rest of us.

• Varied sales taxes to be devised and implemented on luxury items such as salt, bread and water.

• All Grammarians to be sold on E-bay according to weight.

• Circular debt to be made rectangular by end of year.

• All state assets to be privatised and the resultant funds generated to be used to nationalise profitable private enterprises.

• All national and provincial budgets to be presented once every leap year.

• Immediate ban on the supply of staplers to members of the national assembly.

• Wastage, such as gas supply to homes of bloated individuals, to cease immediately.

• Black money to be turned white through laundry schemes; dhobi ghaats to be set up across the country.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 17th, 2023