Chalo, just as well it was India that landed on the moon and not us, because if the Ruet-i-Hilal Committee had been in charge of our space programme, we would have still been bhatkoing around in outer space playing hide and seek with the moon.

As it is, we celebrate our Eids two full days after everyone else because it takes that long for us Late Lateefs to spot the moon in the sky from Earth only. Imagine if we had to find it in outer space, where it is also so dark! Oopar se, the mullahs want us to follow the lunar calendar. We can’t even follow traffic instructions on the roads, and we’re going to follow the lunar calendar. Honestly! Actually, only thing we can follow is celebrities on Insta.

You tau know that, unlike Janoo, I hate talking about bore things — particularly bore things that I have no control over, like Youkraine ki war, and whether Trump will win next US ka election, or whether Covid will return like The Terminator. I mean, what can I do about any of that, so why khapaow my head needlessly?

But this astrophysical price rise of petrol this tau baba even I can’t ignore. I mean, it’s gone up so much so much kay I swear it’s become a luxury item. Every time you go to the petrol station and bharaow your fuel tank, you feel like you’ve just been to Carrot Jewellers and bought three diamond sets. So much you have to pay!

What’s the point of concerning oneself with things one has no control over… like the rising price of everything?

In wedding negotiations, where before the larrka walas used to demand that larrki walas give a kothi and fifty tolas of gold in jahez, now I think so they’ll ask for 20 tankers of petrol. Or an account with Total petrol pump near Main Market.

Meanwhiles, rumours are wife that Nawaz is returning from London on 21 October. But whether he returns to Raiwind or Kot Lakhpat Jail remains to be seen. He may just step off the plane and be slapped with a pair of hand cuffs and the jail card from Monopoly. ‘Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.’

Vaisay, these days tau nobody can collect £200 — pounds have become so expensive they’ve almost become succinct here. Like the houbara bustard and free speech. Or maybe he’ll get the ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card. A lot many special people in Pakistan have that card.

In fact, ‘Get Out Free’ kya, they tau never even step inside a jail, no matter what they do. But unfortunately for Nawaz, ex-Prime Ministers are not on that list. Chalo, even if he has to go to jail, at least he won’t get his AC and ghar ka khana snatched away this time like it was when he was last in jail under Imran.

Now tau poor Imran himself is in jail. Maybe they’ll be put in neighbouring sells. Maybe they’ll even become besties, like I became besties with Baby in kinder garden just because our desks were placed next to each other. I mean why not, baba? If Saudi Arabia and Israel can become besties, then why not Imran and Nawaz, haan?

As it is, elections tau pata nahin hon gey bhi kay nahin. No date has been given abhi tak. Reminds me of when General Zia took over and declared marital law (when I was a teeny tiny little girl) and said he would hold elections in 90 days and then kept on ruling and ruling. And when Mummy said to Daddy, ‘What happened to his promise of 90 days?’ and Daddy told her, ‘He never promised 90 consecutive days.’

So best is if everyone forgets about elections and we all just play Monopoly. At least that way we can still feel like we can drop into hotels in Mayfair and Park Lane and can count our pounds and feel rich.

Vaisay, I don’t know what this bongi caretaker guvmunt is taking care of. I tau certainly don’t feel taken care of this much even. All I feel is ghareeb. Whether it’s bijli or petrol or loadshedding or dollar or pounds or air fears or onions or gas or darzi bills, everything is just going up and up and up.

The only things that are not going up in Pakistan are the rupee and rockets to the moon. Like I said, I’m going to stop khapaowing my head needlessly and just carry on playing Monopoly. Yahi best hai.

The writer is a columnist and a satirist and has published six books previously, including the bestselling Social Butterfly series.
X: @Moni_butterfly

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 24th, 2023