Jimmy Jirga, former minister, global citizen, brunch expert and podcast host: Welcome to Fount of Wisdom, Cliftonia’s favourite podcast. I am your host, Jimmy Jirga. We have a stellar panel on our show today. Our guests represent Cliftonian intelligentsia at its finest. 

With us is Dr Urdunn D. Patrasen, psycho-therapeutic writer of popular television serials, self-declared sensitive soul, knower of men and understander of women; Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi, political analyst, real-estate mogul, banker, maker of cornflakes, fertiliser and movies; Javed Che, former film-star, current mystic and anti status-quo revolutionary; and T. C. Khan, finance guru, expert on health and alternative remedies as well as ancient, mediaeval, modern and future history of the universe. 

As many of you know, these gentlemen also have their own popular podcasts. 

Welcome all!

Dr Urdunn D. Patrasen: Thank you for inviting us. But I would like to ask how you can single-handedly, arbitrarily decide that your podcast — this podcast — is our country’s favourite podcast? How can you do this? How can he do this, gentlemen? Will you all just sit here like women and take this affront? Be a man, T.C.! Stand up Brig saab!

Cliftonia’s top podcasters get together on one platform, with unsurprisingly explosive results

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: I agree 100 percent with Dr Patrasen. How can you declare this result when I have not even organised the elections? I have not announced your podcast as the winner, so how can you assume you have won this national popularity contest? Do you even know how many millions tune into my podcast every week? Do you know how many sponsors I have backing my show right now? From Bank Al Cliftonia to Vigo Pick-up and Delivery Services, I have them all!

Jimmy Jirga: Gentlemen, please…

T.C. Khan: What do you mean, please? Is this how you start your show? By insulting us? We are the intelligentsia of this nation, not some wannabe BTS pin-up boy like you!

Jimmy Jirga: My sincere apologies to all of you. I did not mean to say I was the best or that my podcast was the most popular one in Cliftonia (even though it clearly is). You are all undoubtedly ground-breaking, path-breaking, heart-breaking legends in your minds. No one can deny that.

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: You better believe it! I mean, can you imagine the audacity? I haven’t selected the candidates yet and he has already declared himself the winner. No thinking involved… just saying whatever comes to his mind, like a woman! The temerity!

Javed Che: Exactly! I don’t know what temerity means but Brig saab is never wrong when he speaks in English. He went to Sandhurst, after all. And much as I deeply respect women, this behaviour of speaking without thinking is such a womanly trait; it is what has always kept the weaker sex behind. I have known Jimmy for many years, and he is known to be a man’s man but now, all of a sudden, he has decided to switch sides, acting entitled and spoilt and whimsical. Why? What happened Jimmy? Is it some new Western trend that you are following to gain more subscribers?

Jimmy Jirga: How can you say that? I have always spoken like a man, with utmost responsibility and level-headedness.

Dr Urdunn D. Patrasen: You see what he is doing, gentlemen? He is now trying to grapple his way back into, what we psycho-therapeutics call, the domain of the male. Having had a taste of the other side, our friend seems to have realised that irrationality and unthinkingness don’t fit well in a male psyche. So now he wants out.

Also see how he is disrespecting the female gender, which comprises mostly of our mothers and sisters but also, in small measure, of unreasonable and unsound women who believe that they are meant to have control over their own bodies. Can you imagine that? These people regularly band together in different cities of our beloved Cliftonia to organise marches just so they can disrespect our values and culture and shout their insolence right into our moustachioed faces.

And you know what, now that I think about it, I believe I saw our friend Jimmy Jirga at one of these marches, holding up a placard with Western messages plastered all over it.

Jimmy Jirga: No, no, no! That is a lie! I am a logical, sound, fair-minded human being, I have never attended any such march! I’m not a woman!

Dr Urdunn D. Patras: Jimmy, can you please stop disrespecting women. Nature has made it an honour to be a woman… you just need to recognise the honourable kind among them. It’s okay… please relax. We know you didn’t mean it when you said your podcast was the best, so can you please just stop crying like a little girl already!

Farid Alvie was born.
He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 10th, 2023